It’s not a real presidential campaign until people start claiming to be dead-ringer lookalikes for the candidates.

One of these two guys will spend the next few years appearing at birthday parties, used car lots, and so on. Indeed, an obscure chick named Tina somebody is already cashing in by playing Sarah Palin.

Mort, a handyman in Boise, is turning heads with his John McCain mannerisms. As the woman in this photo said, “I can’t believe how much Mort looks like McCain in that Navy hat! Hey, Mort, can you fix our front stoop tomorrow?”

Meanwhile, Ernie, who carries groceries at a Kroger supermarket in South Bend, is honing his Barack Obama routine and refers to the tips he lives on as “Change I can believe in.”

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above: Republican nominee John McCain greets people gathered outside a hotel in Sedona, Arizona, October 5, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

below: Democratic nominee Barack Obama walks out of a barbecue restaurant with an order of takeout food in Asheville, North Carolina, October 6, 2008.  REUTERS/ Jason Reed

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Blog Guy, I’m shopping for a laptop. I know you’re really up on technology, so what should I be looking for?

Well, the model is VERY important.

Uh, sure, you mean like ThinkPad T61 vs. the PowerBook or whatever?

No, I mean the chick model they use to show off the laptop! For instance, I like this new model shown today with the skimpy halter top and bare midriff. Plenty to look at there.

But…I thought there was lots of other stuff I had to know about, like RAM and processing speed and everything.

Nah, that’s for geeks. Believe me, I’m still plenty happy with my …. wait, what is this gizmo, anyway? Yeah, my trusty Tandy TRS-80. Just get yourself one of those.

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above: Model poses with the Asus Eee PC S101 during a media launch in Taipei October 7, 2008. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

below: Lots of other Reuters photos of models with computers.

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Hey, Blog Guy, you give the very best career advice. I especially value your tips on how to know if we’ve made a bad career choice.

Thank you. Here’s something that always works. I call it the triple reality check:

If you’re at work right now, first look down. Do you see the ground hundreds of feet below you? Then look at  your hands. Are you clinging for dear life to a swaying fishnet? Next, look up. Is there a hovering chopper?

If you answered yes to these questions, I recommend you get your guidance counselor’s home address and give it to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

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Members of the special warfare command climb a net attached to an army helicopter during the 60th anniversary of the Armed Forces Day at Jamsil Sports Complex in Seoul October 1, 2008.  REUTERS/Jo Yong-Hak

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Blog Guy, I can’t get any respect! My boss says a monkey could do my job!

Calm down, your boss is all wrong. Monkeys are animals, and they can’t do the jobs of humans. What is it you do for a living, anyway?

I’m a beginning waiter at a tavern. You know, I bring customers hot towels and stuff like that.

Oops. Maybe I spoke too soon. Perhaps you should watch this video clip.

That’s depressing! I need something a monkey can’t possibly do. I’m thinking of becoming a television political pundit.

Oh yeah, that a LOT more difficult! “Give me a close-up on Monkey Two, please - he’s eating a banana with his mouth open and pointing to a picture of Herbert Hoover!”

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Quick quiz: In the photo below, actress Salma Hayek is saying to fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld…

a) Karl, I saw you in Cat Ballou, but you were calling yourself Lee Marvin back then…

b) Karl, I saw you in Dr. Strangelove, but you were calling yourself Dr. Strangelove back then…

c) What on God’s earth did you eat for lunch?

d) If you look down there just one more time, I’m getting my fricking taser!

Whatever, it’s nice to note that our caption puts an (L) after her name, so that people who confuse easily can tell which of these folks is an actress, and which is a fashion designer. If there are people who are that confused, I hope they’re not allowed to drive and vote and stuff…

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Actress Salma Hayek (L) chats with German fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld during the television show “Wetten dass…?” in Nuremberg, Germany, October 4, 2008. REUTERS/Alexandra Beier

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Blog Guy, all my life I dreamed of a Rome vacation. Last week I finally got there. I went to the famed Trevi fountain, and LIZA MINNELLI was there! She wouldn’t shut up, so my dream trip was ruined!

This doesn’t surprise me. The exact same thing happened to me at the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall, and some lounge in Las Vegas. She’s showing up all over.

But here’s what most people don’t know. Standard contracts with tour operators have a so-called “Liza Minnelli clause,” which mandates a full refund if this occurs. So demand your money back, and tell ‘em Bob sent you.

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Singer Liza Minnelli performs in front of the Trevi fountain in Rome, October 2, 2008. REUTERS/Tony Gentile

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Many readers have asked why I still haven’t posted the list of this blog’s top five reader favorites for September. To quote them verbatim, they say, “Bob, why haven’t you posted the monthly list of reader favorites for September?”

Of course the answer is I’ve been extremely busy writing about the political campaign and international fashion. But I know that many readers wager on this information, so here goes:

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5.  Sarah! Time for another big hug!

4. I wish to file for 82 divorces, please…

3. Oh sure, Mom, you saw WHO?

2. That just seems CREEPY!

1. When models dress themselves

REUTERS photo by Michael Caronna

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Blog guy, I have a major fashion dilemma. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go motorcycling in the morning, swimming in the afternoon, and then to a glitzy cocktail party, and I won’t have time to change in-between. Help!

You sound VERY busy! Here’s a useful fashion tip: If you’re busy, and you’re an idiot, then dress like a busy idiot.

This striking black leather jacket will deflect the wind while roaring along on your Harley. Then, when you get to the beach, there is a sexy black vinyl swimsuit, which can be dried quickly without even taking it off. It’s like wearing a child’s place mat!

Then it’s off to your posh party. Note the spectacular bejeweled necklace which will make you the hit of any soiree, and the dressy white gloves which won’t leave prints if you want to steal some stuff.

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A model presents a creation by German designer Karl Lagerfeld for French fashion house Chanel during their Spring/Summer 2009 ready-to-wear fashion show in Paris October 3, 2008.  REUTERS/ Charles Platiau

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I need to find some peace and quiet, God! I hate this stinking diet!
It doesn’t work, I’m still not thin, the dog pooped in the house again…

This choir in Germany has strung together a list of everyday gripes about everything from lousy weather and bad services to poor leaders and unfaithful husbands, and surprise, they’re a musical hit!

The group has 140 members and claims to be the biggest complaint choir in the world, with songs such as “These Pretzels are too Salty” and “These Lederhosen cut off my Circulation…” I’m just guessing at those titles, since I don’t gripe in German.

Anyhow, their success seems partly due to the fact that Germans appear to be among the world’s best complainers.

But so are Americans, which makes me wonder why we don’t have one here. This is all very frustrating. There isn’t a complaint choir in my area, and I can’t find any way to complain about it.

Petitioners show letters of complaint on a street outside a government office in Beijing, July 20, 2008. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog Guy, a few days ago you did an item about how photographers cover the shoes of women candidates. I think you were just putting us on, and I’ll prove it. What kind of shoes did Sarah Palin wear at last night’s debate in St. Louis?

The highly technical term for those in the fashion industry would be reddish-brown shoes with high heels, made from some kind of reptile or something.

Hmm. Then show me a photo.

Be more specific. You want the left shoe or right shoe? Full calf, or just ankle?

Cripes! You’re right! Just out of curiosity, what kind of shoes did Joe Biden wear?

Are you serious? He’s just a guy. For all I know, he wore flip-flops.

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Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin shoe shots, October 2, 2008, by REUTERS/Carlos Barria and REUTERS/Don Emmert/Pool

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