Changing China

Giant on the move

Beijing’s favourite Olympic happy snap

By Sean Maguire
August 23, 2008

Holding the torchRemember those jolly tourist pictures you took of yourself in Italy where you were pretending to prop up the leaning tower of Pisa? Here’s the Beijing equivalent.

You stand in front of the Bird’s Nest stadium, hold up your hand and by a miracle of foreshortening appear to grip the vast cornetto-shaped torch burning on the roof of the athletics venue.

It is the most popular picture for visitors to take, judging by the streams of foreign and Chinese tourists posing with their arms in the air.

Of course, the vast roof-top cauldron is shaped like the Olympic torch used in the pre-Games global relay that was hit by anti-China protests.

There are no signs of unhappiness among the security-screened crowds milling around the stadium. ”Everybody wants to be a torch bearer here,” said Li Jiaheng, 16, who was photographing his mother ”holding” the distant torch.


PHOTOS: Chinese tourists poses for a picture outside the National Stadium, also known as the Bird’s Nest, while pretending to hold the Olympic Torch, August 16, 2008. REUTERS/Christina Hu


Celebration of Olympics Bronzes

What happened?
How can we lose gold count to China, a third world country?
Let’s have a national holiday of mourning. No one objects I guess!
Let’s have a national contest of the best excuses of winning so less gold metals.
It has to be the BEST, so it could worth a gold in this category.

What to do?
Borrow more money from China to buy better facilities, foreign coaches, Speedo…
My secret is to import 8 Jamaican runners. Money talks!
Bribe the judges (a little harder as everyone hates us but money talks again).
Change all the rules to our favor: 5 metals for basketball, 2 for table tennis, 0 for diving…
All tiebreakers must go our way as our sponsors own the Olympics.
We will amplify their “shortcomings” like copying our advance lip sing technique (how dare you’re), small size advantage, large size advantage, working too hard…
The Chinese must have put slippery jell on our batons and/or the gym apparatus.
Develop the best dope that no one can detect – we have the best scientists.
My secret is to develop a dope that can take out all dope traces from our body so we take it before dope tests.
“One country, all metals” is our new Olympics slogan.
The more wishfully we think, the closer we succeed.

How to heal now, really?
Write to Dear Abby for starter.
Bronze is the same as gold if not better. If you do not believe me, ask any blind person.
It is harder to get a bronze as we have to LET two others to win.
We’ll train our athletes for the bronze from now on.
We will ask NBC to interview bronze winners only as they are the real winners.
Actually we’ll be happier to be #3 and build a better relationship with other nations. Stop laughing. It is a fact!!!
Phelps, we love you more with 8 bronze metals – it is no easy job to let 2 and ONLY 2 pass you 8 times.

If everything does not work, turn ugly.
Ask McDonald’s and KFC to give away their “food” to China FREE, so their next generation will be so fat that they cannot walk to the subway station.
Send soldiers to grab the metals, esp. gold. Hey, we have the best offense.
Will the world be better if we only fought for gold metals only (bronze metals in our case)?
What an Olympic spirit to celebrate the winning of the bronze!

– The author is Tony Pow. 8/22/08. Created for fun. No politics. No dumb nationalism. No ego. 90% false, 10% true. 100% fun. Hope no offense to you. Please feel free to distribute/change… —

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