Chuck Norris, investment banker

By Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009

If you haven’t subscribed to The Epicurean Dealmaker‘s twitter feed, do so now. This morning he decided he was going to go all Chuck Norris Facts on us, and came up with some absolute classics:

# Little-known Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris does not mark to market. The market marks to Chuck.

# More: Chuck Norris does not go bankrupt. Chuck Norris ruptures banks.

# Source of hedge fund survivorship bias?: Funds that pay Chuck Norris 2 and 20 survive; others don’t.

# Private equity: Chuck Norris does not believe in leverage. Chuck Norris believes in crowbars.

# Investment banking: No-one defers Chuck Norris’s compensation.

# Capital structure: No-one subordinates Chuck Norris. All his equity is preferred.   

# If Chuck Norris devised the bank stress tests, not even the Treasury Department would survive.

Feel free to add your own in the comments, but it’ll be hard to beat these.

Update: Check out Jeff H’s comments, they’re rather fabulous too, for instance:

Chuck Norris’ tears would solve all the banks’ liquidity problems. Too bad he’s never cried. Ever.

Only Chuck Norris can issue secured debt. The rest is at his mercy.

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