Chuck Norris, investment banker

By Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009

If you haven’t subscribed to The Epicurean Dealmaker‘s twitter feed, do so now. This morning he decided he was going to go all Chuck Norris Facts on us, and came up with some absolute classics:

# Little-known Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris does not mark to market. The market marks to Chuck.

# More: Chuck Norris does not go bankrupt. Chuck Norris ruptures banks.

# Source of hedge fund survivorship bias?: Funds that pay Chuck Norris 2 and 20 survive; others don’t.

# Private equity: Chuck Norris does not believe in leverage. Chuck Norris believes in crowbars.

# Investment banking: No-one defers Chuck Norris’s compensation.

# Capital structure: No-one subordinates Chuck Norris. All his equity is preferred.   

# If Chuck Norris devised the bank stress tests, not even the Treasury Department would survive.

Feel free to add your own in the comments, but it’ll be hard to beat these.

Update: Check out Jeff H’s comments, they’re rather fabulous too, for instance:

Chuck Norris’ tears would solve all the banks’ liquidity problems. Too bad he’s never cried. Ever.

Only Chuck Norris can issue secured debt. The rest is at his mercy.


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Chuck Norris believes in appropriately deferred compensation. For the widows.

Posted by NE1 | Report as abusive

Chuck Norris lowered LME copper warehouse stocks 100,000 tonnes by carrying it out on his back.

Posted by otto | Report as abusive

Reducing moral hazard: misuse of Tarp funds results in a Chuck Norris roundhouse.

Posted by C | Report as abusive

Until they had fully digested the information, regulators were horrified to discover the existence of an institution that is “too Chuck Norris to fail.”

Posted by minderbender | Report as abusive

Chuck Norris’ tears would solve all the banks’ liquidity problems. Too bad he’s never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris is too big to fail.

Some think deposit insurance is what prevents a run on the bank. It’s not–it’s the fear that Chuck Norris is lurking the vault.

Basel rules stipulate that if Chuck Norris within 100 feet of a bank, he can be counted as Tier 1 capital.

The risk-free rate is not computed using US treasuries, but the length of time it takes Chuck Norris to complete a roundhouse.

Chuck Norris doesn’t target interest rates, he pummels them into submission.

Yields on government debt fall 150 basis points whenever Chuck Norris visits a country.

Only Chuck Norris can issue secured debt. The rest is at his mercy.

Beta is just a measure of Chuck Norris’ mood.

Chuck Norris does not liquidate holdings, he reduces them to subatomic particles.

Without Chuck Norris, no finance can be structured. None.

Posted by bdbd | Report as abusive

At Chuck Norris State Bank, there is no leakage from the reserve multiplier process.

Posted by bdbd | Report as abusive

The Bank of Chuck Norris has never been robbed because crooks aren’t THAT stupid.

Posted by WiseOwl | Report as abusive

Chuck once toppled the DOW believing it was the re-incarnated cyber Bruce Lee who posed as an exchange by dropping the “… of jeet kune do” from the name.

Chuck Norris wanted his own exchange after believing James Bond had his own market named after him. The SEC shut it down after 1 day. The reason? Everyone who sold or shorted developed an odd boot-print shaped sore on the back of their head.

Chuck Norris once pulled a stock market Pontzi scam … on himself … and made money.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear market all night. By the opening bell the next day he named it Teddy Ruxpin paraded it down Wall Street to usher in the subsequent bull rally.

Chuck Norris goes bearish on stocks. After the hawkish transaction he walks into the NYSE trading floor and growls – ‘eat my shorts’. The brokers comply by both ‘covering’ and ducking.

Chuck Norris was a profitable trader his first month at Swifttrade.

Chuck Norris can successfully pump and dump stocks – on Warren Buffet

Chuck Norris once scalped a stock with his bare hands… while the markets were closed …

Microsoft owes its success to Chuck Norris. During the 1980′s the bearish price pattern was forming the higher right shoulder until Chuck Norris round-housed kicked the head off it and it was now a cup and handle buy signal which made Bill Gates famous

Someone once tried to measure Chuck Norris on the Relative Strength Index and the Nasdaq surged and extra 2% that day

Chuck Norris ordered a MACD at the New York Stock Exchange. Rudolph Guliani personally served it with a side of fries arranged in a bullish harami formation.

Chuck Norris once flat-lined a ticker tape

Posted by Kurtis Hemmerling | Report as abusive

No company dares to right a CDS against a Chuck Norris default.

Posted by Gordon | Report as abusive

Chuck Norris performed a stress test on banks. They all failed. All of them.

Posted by otto | Report as abusive

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Posted by Asym | Report as abusive