Opinion

Felix Salmon

Chuck Norris, investment banker

Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009 16:04 UTC

If you haven’t subscribed to The Epicurean Dealmaker‘s twitter feed, do so now. This morning he decided he was going to go all Chuck Norris Facts on us, and came up with some absolute classics:

# Little-known Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris does not mark to market. The market marks to Chuck.

# More: Chuck Norris does not go bankrupt. Chuck Norris ruptures banks.

# Source of hedge fund survivorship bias?: Funds that pay Chuck Norris 2 and 20 survive; others don’t.

# Private equity: Chuck Norris does not believe in leverage. Chuck Norris believes in crowbars.

# Investment banking: No-one defers Chuck Norris’s compensation.

# Capital structure: No-one subordinates Chuck Norris. All his equity is preferred.   

# If Chuck Norris devised the bank stress tests, not even the Treasury Department would survive.

Feel free to add your own in the comments, but it’ll be hard to beat these.

Update: Check out Jeff H’s comments, they’re rather fabulous too, for instance:

Chuck Norris’ tears would solve all the banks’ liquidity problems. Too bad he’s never cried. Ever.

Only Chuck Norris can issue secured debt. The rest is at his mercy.

COMMENT

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice.

Posted by Asym | Report as abusive

Wine tasting datapoint of the day

Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009 15:22 UTC

From a paper by Johan Almenberg and Anna Dreber of the Stockholm School of Economics:

We designed an experiment that examines how knowledge about the price of a good, and the time at which the information is received, affects how the good is experienced… Disclosing the high price before tasting the wine produces considerably higher ratings, although only from women.

I’m not frankly a huge fan of this experiment: only two wines were used (a $5 wine and a $40 wine) and both were Portugese. I’m still pretty sure that men, if they’re presented with a very expensive wine from a region they respect (Bordeaux, say) will rate that wine much more highly than if they neither knew its provenance nor its price. Maybe the gender difference in this study was more a function of anti-Portugese snobbism in men than it was of price determining perception.

COMMENT

Nice article wine is forever interesting…

Ignore Detroit’s bondholders’ whines

Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009 14:13 UTC

I’m frankly surprised at the amount of pushback against the entirely sensible notion that Chrysler’s creditors (and, by implication, GM’s as well) should accept an enormous haircut on their failed investment.

You can tell an argument in favor of the holdout bondholders is on thin ice when the people making it wheel out the old groaner about future capital access. Here’s Liam Denning:

If the current plan is pushed through, then good luck to any unionized firm trying to raise secured debt on decent terms in the future.

Here’s Breakingviews:

Years of bankruptcy law have put secured creditors at the top of the pecking order, inducing them to put capital at risk. Vilifying investors who held firm to this conviction may have the reverse effect.

And here’s Joe Wiesenthal:

It should certainly make anyone think twice before lending money to a company with a strong union.

Oh come on. When Detroit raised debt capital in the past, its lenders weren’t operating on the assumption that they would be paid off in full before the UAW got a penny — and if they were, they were being foolish in the extreme. The UAW, after all, is necessary for the continued existence of the company: they’re doing the equivalent of putting new money in to the operation, in the form of their labor going forwards. I don’t see the creditors offering to put up any new capital.

Sure, the creditors might have a point about seniority if the firms were to be liquidated with the loss of all jobs. But let’s not forget that a huge part of the reason why they lent their money in the first case was that the US auto industry is systemically important, and that the government would never allow it to be liquidated. They were making a moral hazard play, and believed the car companies when they said that bankruptcy would be disastrous, and so they assumed that the government would keep the car companies out of bankruptcy.

So now I can barely believe it when the creditors start talking about how much they might receive in liquidation. For one thing, I don’t believe them. If GM and Chrysler liquidate, their assets are worth very little if anything at all: how are you going to monetize a mothballed production line? And insofar as the liquidation value is positive, it only gets to that point by dint of taxpayers picking up most of the costs of liquidation: soaring unemployment in the rust belt, an even worse economic depression in the hardest-hit areas of the country, and so forth. It’s a bit like the Wal-Mart model of paying your employees so little that they’re eligible for Medicaid, thereby getting them “free” healthcare, and Barack Obama is absolutely right to reject it.

I also heard an interesting new twist in this argument last night: the idea that the government is repaying itself in full while imposing massive haircuts on other creditors. No it’s not. It’s getting an 8% stake in the new Chrysler, which is worth roughly zero, in return for the billions it’s pumping in to the company — and it’s worth remembering that the $2.25 billion that the creditors were going to receive was going to come directly from the government, not from Chrysler itself. And no, the creditors would not need to pay that money back.

Of course aggressive creditors are going to want to maximize the value of their claims, both in bankruptcy court and in the press. But if this is the best they can come up with, I think it’s safe to dismiss their whining as the bleating of the sore loser.

Update: I forgot to mention the other old chestnut which indicates that there’s really no substance to the complaints. Here’s John Gapper:

Some of these “speculators” inconveniently manage money on behalf of pension plans and endowments, rather than rapacious rich people.

And here’s Wiesenthal, again:

If you’re a teacher or any state employee or anyone who has money in a pension or gets money from an endowment, there’s a decent chance that you’re invested in a hedge fund.

The “hedge funds represent normal people too” argument is so vacuous it’s not really worth responding to — except to note that it’s being made, and to cite some kind of rule that the minute anybody makes it, they can automatically be assumed to have lost the debate. If you’re going to set up a cage match between hedge funds, on the one hand, and the UAW, on the other, I think it’s pretty clear which side represents rich capitalists and which side represents people without much in the way of savings.

COMMENT

You cannot change the rules in the middle of the game like this. That only invites complete anarchy, screws up the entire future of economic planning, and you end up with a banana republic. Good God, you are an economic illiterate.

Who with any sense is ever going to loan companies with strong unions any monet, except at very high rates of interest? Except for the taxpayers, I mean.

Megan McArdle has ripped you a new one. Go read and learn. Idiot.

Posted by Chester White | Report as abusive

The bipartisanship of Stephen Colbert

Felix Salmon
May 1, 2009 12:48 UTC

Heather LaMarre, Kristen Landreville, and Michael Beam asked 322 individuals what they thought of Stephen Colbert:

There was no significant difference between the groups in thinking Colbert was funny, but conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said while liberals were more likely to report that Colbert used satire and was not serious when offering political statements. Conservatism also significantly predicted perceptions that Colbert disliked liberalism.  

Isn’t it ironic… don’t you think?

COMMENT

“conservatives were more likely to report that Colbert only pretends to be joking and genuinely meant what he said…”

If you don’t know that Colbert is obviously way left, then you are simply ignorant. If you have any doubts about Colbert’s political leanings then go back and watch his scathing keynote address at the 2006 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. If you don’t “get it” after watching that, then you are beyond help.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid= -869183917758574879

Posted by Myr | Report as abusive
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