After gruelling nine-day World Trade Organisation talks collapsed spectacularly, the main warring parties - India and the United States - kissed and made up.

“Yesterday, in the Green Room (where the talks took place), Susan Schwab said that she loved me,” India’s Trade Minister Kamal Nath told reporters when asked about relations between himself and his U.S. counterpart. “I said that I loved her too. But probably she didn’t love me enough.”

In back-to-back news conferences held to explain what went wrong, both Nath and Schwab laid the blame at the other’s door.

But behind closed doors, the two key negotiators say they maintained a warm relationship.

Earlier in the week, Schwab had tried another tactic to win Nath’s affections by passing him an envelope containing a single dollar signed by U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.

The gift was a reference to Nath’s often repeated mantra that if U.S. subsidies could be reduced by just one dollar, a trade deal could be reached that would benefit India’s poor farmers, many of whom live on no more than a dollar a day.

Despite the smiles, the talks collapsed over Nath’s demand for developing countries to protect their farmers from surges of cheap imports, conditions Schwab said would enable them to roll back years of trade liberalisation.

The wallflowers at the party were the poor countries of Africa - left outside a core group of seven negotiators. One of their main concerns - cotton - did not even get discussed at all, leaving in place huge U.S. subsidies which they had hoped to see reduced.

After the party - the hangover - so where does global trade go now?

Although the EU gave the trade commissioner a negotiating mandate for the crunch talks under way in Geneva, French President Nicolas Sarkozy, hardly Mandelson’s greatest fan, said he would not sign up to the deal on the table.

Not only does Mandelson have to put up with public barbs from the French leader, he also has to report back daily to national EU delegates who have followed him to Geneva to ensure he keeps to the mandate they gave him. In his blog, Mandelson says it will increasingly be the case in the EU that member states will have to learn to keep quiet and let their representative do the talking.

“There is no question that the decision to negotiate collectively in the WTO gives European member states much greater weight in the WTO and the global trading system, but it does require 27 proud diplomatic services to take a back seat to the EU’s negotiators at exactly the moment when every instinct tells them to have a hand on the wheel,” he said.

“It’s a reminder that so much of the modern European experience of foreign affairs will involve developing the habits of coordination that give us a united voice and role in the world.”

The European Commission has been negotiating on behalf of EU member states for many years on big ticket issues like trade and climate change, but with Ireland’s rejection of the Lisbon Treaty to reform the bloc’s institutions and create an EU foreign policy supremo, do Europeans still relish the idea of Brussels representing them on the global stage?

Although the issues being discussed in Geneva this week could ultimately affect everyone on the planet in terms of their effect on the economy, prices and employment, understanding the jargon of the ‘Doha round’ is reserved for a privileged few who can decipher its twisted language and countless acronyms.

For those like me who are new to covering the WTO, my advice is don’t look for the ‘Green Room’ where ministers and ambassadors are negotiating the trade liberalisation - it’s actually beige. (You’re not allowed in anyway, so steel yourself for hours pacing the hallway downstairs).

Next: know your NAMA from your TRIPS. Almost every aspect of trade is referred to by its acronym. Why say ‘industrial goods’ when you could be talking about NAMA (Non-Agricultural Market Access)? Make sure you know the difference between an LDC (least developed country) and an SVE (small and vulnerable economy), and remember that an MFN (most favoured nation) is nothing of the sort (under WTO rules, all trading partners have to be treated equally. Having MFN status means you are the same as all the others).

Confused? I can highly recommend the European Commission’s online trade glossary.

As for potatoes, they have been considered for inclusion in a list of ‘tropical products’, alongside papaya and coffee, which could be due for a boost from extra tariff cuts. (Potatoes, after all, originated in tropical areas of the Americas, so it’s only logical …)

And when it comes to the numbers, bring a calculator and a sense of humour. When asked whether the European Union was offering to cut its import tariffs by an average of 54 percent, as previously stated, or 60 percent as proposed by European Trade Commissioner Peter Mandelson, French Trade Secretary Anne-Marie Idrac kept a straight face and replied: “54 and 60, c’est la meme chose” (it’s the same thing).

“As is customary in all Western democracy, and as I feel it is right to do, I called the leader of the People of Freedom, Silvio Berlusconi, to acknowledge his victory and wish him good luck in his job,” Veltroni told reporters, bowing to the inevitable, even if final results were hours away.

Berlusconi has never admitted losing the 2006 election which he blamed on fraud and Veltroni’s noble gesture seemed to be the latest effort to imitate his much-admired counterparts in the Anglo-Saxon world where ‘fair play’ is, in theory, considered a virtue.

“I can’t deny that I think the 2006 elections were
irregular. The result we achieved today is proof of that,”
Berlusconi said.

Barack Obama, from whom Veltroni copied his “Yes we can” slogan “Si puo’ fare”, will be hoping he does not to have to make a phone call similar to Veltroni’s any time soon.

Berlusconi says the new casual look he has adopted for this election was not dictated by a style advisor.

Instead the open-necked shirts are all about safety, he told Il Giornale daily.

“The enthusiasm of the crowd is overwhelming. They greet me like a rock star. You know why I decided to stop wearing a tie?

“Because one day I almost got hurt. The enthusiasm around me became so great that they accidentally grabbed me by the tie.”

After being dragged along by overly-affectionate supporters, Berlusconi decided: “I need to dress differently when I’m in the piazza, I need to be comfortable, like when I’m at home.”

The image conscious Berlusconi, who has admitted the odd nip-and-tuck and hair implants, makes his own style decisions, he says. “I obviously do not have an image consultant … I decide what I wear.”

Veltroni can sometimes be spotted on the campaign trail without a tie. He has yet to say whether that is for safety reasons or style.

The Italian election could be delayed because of a man called Giuseppe Pizza.

With less than two weeks until polling day, he succeeded in getting a court to overturn a decision to ban his Christian Democrat (DC) party from running. He had initially been banned from the election because the symbol of his tiny party - which appears on ballot papers - looked too similar to that of the larger Union of Christian Democrat (UDC) party.

The government hopes a higher court will overturn the appeal early next week. If it does not, the election could be delayed, Interior Minister Giuliano Amato has said. Both main contenders, Silvio Berlusconi and Walter Veltroni, want the vote to take place on schedule.

While the blip in proceedings has frustrated the main parties, it has injected a note of curiosity into what had been a strikingly dull campaign. And the fact the protagonist is named after Italy’s most famous food proved irresistible to journalists.

“Pizza’s Italy is a capricciosa (capricious one), poorly raised and badly baked — it lands on your stomach and stays there blocking everything,” said La Republicca, saying it was obligatory to play with the metaphor.

Il Messaggero punned on the word “bufala”, which is Italian for the best buffalo mozzarella used on pizza but is also slang for a blunder. It compared the electorally puny DC to an anchovy, whereas the mighty Christian Democratic party which dominated post-war Italy unill the early 1990s was known as the White Whale.

The only shame was that the Margherita party no longer exists. The centre-left party - whose name was meant to refer to a daisy rather than a cheese and tomato pizza - merged with an ally shortly before the election to produce the Democratic Party headed by Veltroni.

The ruling is not to stop voters annoying their neighbours by shouting out: “I’m in the polling station!” but rather to prevent people selling their votes.

“We’ve made a law that plugs the one possible leak in the possibility of corrupt voting,” Interior Minister Giuliano Amato told a press conference.

“For years we’ve had the crime of paid-for votes. The most likely way is entering the booth with a phone or a camera, photographing your vote and using it as proof.”