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A contract killer with a schizophrenic personality; a woman who is blind but doesn’t know it; a police officer who spends more time in bikinis than catching criminals; and a detective who never shows any signs of intelligence — these are characters in Samir Tewari’s disaster of a movie “Mr Joe B Carvalho”.

Arshad Warsi plays the title character, that of a detective hired to stop a couple eloping, but finds himself embroiled in another matter. Mahesh Ramchandani’s hare-brained script stops making sense about ten minutes into the film.

Styled as somewhat of a surreal comedy, Tewari’s film has some bizarre situations that are impossible to make sense of or make us laugh. The reason why Carvalho and his lady love (Soha Ali Khan) break up is because he saves her from a snake, a scorpion and a live puppet — all of whom turn up in her bedroom — but in the process causes harm to her family members. The entire scene is absurd, badly acted and not even remotely funny. And this isn’t the only such scene.

Jaaved Jaffrey, playing a dangerous contract killer, dons several outlandish costumes, dresses up as a woman, and has long conversations with himself, often using the words ‘lolly’ and ‘pop’.

Soha Ali Khan plays a fearless police officer who, when asked what kind of theatre she does, answers “operation theatre.” The film is peppered with such inane dialogue, and when you add the ludicrous situations, it combines to give you a headache in the form of a film.