To: All Facebook Staff
Subject: New cafeteria menu
While some of you have welcomed the new all-you-can-kill menu at the company cafeteria, our monitoring of your status updates and private messages suggests some of you would have appreciated advance warning about the changes. This update aims to clarify some of the misinformation, much of which was deliberately spread by disgruntled former employees. You might also find it helpful to study the photographs I shared with you from my Memorial Day barbecue, where I demonstrated how to turn twin cows named Tyler and Cameron* into hamburgers. Once you’re comfortable with killing your own meat I’m sure you’ll find the new cafeteria options simple, healthy and cooler than a million dollars!
The bacon preparation area has been moved to the opposite end of the grill counter from the egg station to avoid splattering blood on the omelettes. Once you have selected your pig from the pen, be sure to choose a sharp knife and channel your inner angry bird. Hand the carcass to our friendly cafeteria butchers and return five hours later for your freshly cured meat.
Join us in celebrating the diversity of our worldwide community by sampling a different country’s slaughter techniques every day!
Thursday: Old Wild West
Have you tried the new turkey sandwiches? Not only is turkey a healthier alternative to chicken, they also struggle less and have easier to remove feathers. Bonus feature: their stupid elongated necks make them look like a certain pair of twins who will never “gobble gobble” another cent from me!
The sushi bar has been relocated to the campus swimming pool, which will be restocked with live tuna, eel and crabs every Tuesday. When casting your rod, take care to avoid swimmers in the fast lane. Harpoon guns may be used from the lower diving board only. Check in here three times from your Facebook account to receive free premium bait.