Blog Guy, don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that you post fresh stuff on Saturdays and Sundays, and I enjoyed learning about balloon animal makers and naked hokey pokey this weekend.

Thanks. But?

Well, I thought maybe if you used a few more gratuitous photos from the big Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York it might artificially pump up your weekend numbers. I know it’s a cheap trick, but times are hard.

Indeed. I take your point, stranger. Three fresh photos from the big show, and I’ll throw in tags like lingerie and models and fashion and stuff like that. Thanks for the suggestion!

Um, Blog Guy, this isn’t exactly what I had in… oh, never mind….

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Left: Actor Kyle MacLauglin arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York, November 19, 2009.

Center: Actor Jeremy Sisto arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Right: Sir Richard Branson, founder and president of Britain’s Virgin Group, arrives for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

REUTERS photos by Carlo Allegri

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Blog Guy, I’m looking to hire an entertainer for my daughter’s fourth birthday party. Can you recommend somebody who makes balloon animals? I want the very best.

Sure. I’d go for this guy in China. Look how good he is.

What the hell is he making there?

Uh, I think that’s his famous Yellow Earthworm with Green Scales.”

Blog Guy, you’re a dolt. That man is a chef. He’s cutting cucumbers with a sharp cleaver on a balloon, to show his technique.

Whatever. So are you going to hire him for the party?

You’re deranged, Blog Guy. Why would I bring a man with a razor-sharp cleaver to a party for small children?

Well, it’s my understanding the Birthday Girl gets to eat the cucumbers.

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A chef cuts a cucumber on a balloon to show his skills during a cooking competition in Hefei, Anhui province November 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jianan Yu

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Blog Guy, help settle an argument with my wife. What’s the most popular dance? I say it’s the tango, but she says it’s the samba. So? So? Which is it?

You’re both wrong. It’s the naked hokey pokey. Haven’t you noticed the proliferation of naked hokey pokey dance clubs and cable shows?  Where do you live, Wyoming?

I think I would know about something like that. How did this craze get started, anyway?

Think about it. If you’re dressed, there are limits to the body parts you can put in and out and shake them all about. But if you get buck-naked, it adds, uh, variety.

Blog Guy, are you totally out of you mind?

Well sure, but that’s a different topic. Are we done with the naked hokey pokey?

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Men undergo a medical examination for the People’s Liberation Army land forces in Zhaoping county, Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region November 20, 2009.  REUTERS/China Daily

Dancers perform during a dress rehearsal of the tango musical Tanguera at Berlin’s Staatsoper, July 9, 2009. REUTERS/Thomas Peter  

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Okay, this is the point we’ve come to in America.

We are told in a bunch of captions that this is a $3 million bra, but we are given no clue as to why it costs at least two and a half million dollars more than a regular bra.

Here are some possible reasons for that price tag, but these are only wild guesses…

• The model comes with it?
• It’s made from real t-bone steak?
• All proceeds from the sale go to fight Lupus?
• It’s half of an outfit worn by Lee Majors in a very special episode of The Six Million Dollar Man?

Victoria’s Secret slideshow

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Above: Model Marisa Miller presents a $3 million bra during the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York, November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Right: Model Marisa Miller poses with the $3 million dollar bra, November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

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You all know me, I’m not a judgmental kind of guy. But on some rare occasions I DO form strong opinions, and gosh darn it, if I’m not careful I’m afraid I’ll go after somebody with this pickle fork I’m holding.

What do I see on our photo file? Levi Johnston at TWO glitzy Los Angeles galas in one evening, including the GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party.

In one of the photos, he’s shown with his “bodyguard.” I am not making this up.

I won’t bother telling you who this guy is - if you’ve been awake at some point over the past 18 months you already know - but cripes! Men of the year? Levi Johnston?

I can only presume, then, that former presidential candidate John Edwards, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, Lenny and Squiggy and Ratso Rizzo, all equally deserving, were not available?

Hey look, Levi, you ever seen a pickle fork? Say, what time does your bodyguard go home?

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Combo, clockwise: Levi Johnston (R), who fathered a child with Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin,is escorted by his bodyguard at US Weekly party in West Hollywood, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Former candidate John Edwards in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff HAYNES

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wipes his eyes as he speaks to the media and admits to an extramarital affair, in Columbia, South Carolina, June 24, 2009.  REUTERS/Erik Campos

Lenny and Squiggy, “Laverne and Shirley” publicity shot

Lower right: Levi Johnston at the 14th annual GQ magazine “Men of the Year” party in Los Angeles, November 18, 2009. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Lower left: Ratso Rizzo, “Midnight Cowboy” publicity shot

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Well fashion fans, it won’t be long now. It’s the evening of the big Victoria’s Secret annual holiday fashion show. I mean, most of YOU won’t see it today, because it won’t be aired for a couple of weeks, but we’ll have lots of still photos for you and if you flip through them real fast, it’s just like being there.

Meanwhile, the models have to finish getting prepared for the show.

Here, one of them is seen loading up on the six and a half calories she gets every day. I can’t quite tell what this slop is, but it’s not fried onion rings and doughnuts, I’ll tell you that.

If you look at the bottom edge of her plate, it looks as though she has scooted some kind of bean away from the rest of the food. No telling what kind of damage a bean can do.

Or maybe it’s just that she can’t quite lift it to her mouth.

Come back tomorrow, for full coverage.

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Model Caroline Winberg eats backstage at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York November 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlo Allegri

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According to the founder of the World Toilet Organization, the reason people are so reluctant to talk about hygiene is that it isn’t cool. He may have a point.

Television and movies show us what’s cool, and they don’t show toilets. Sure, Fonzie frequently checked out his hair in the bathroom, but you just saw a mirror.

All of this could have been different if the toilet lobby had gotten into product placement early on.

Imagine the coolest characters in movie history. What if…

• Dirty Harry emerged from the men’s room to blast the punks, waddling with his trousers around his ankles…
• The last line in the immortal “Casablanca” was, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Stop a sec, I gotta wizz…”
• In “The Great Escape,” Steve McQueen escaped the Nazis by pulling his motorcycle into a rest stop and slipping into a men’s room stall.
• The iconic quote was: “Bond, James Bond. You got a crapper I can use?”

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Above: Actors Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet slide down a large inflatable toilet slide for the premiere of the animated feature “Flushed Away” in New York City in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

Below: The actual bathroom of the late actor Roddy MacDowell is on display at the Hollywood History Museum in a 2001 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Blog Guy, is it true that New York City has been invaded by Amazonian Queens from another planet?

Yes. We have photos of them. It appears they have never seen Earthlings before.

How tall are they?

About nine feet, wearing 10-inch stilettos.

Gosh, what’s your take on them?

I’m afraid. Very afraid. Sure, judging from the photos they seem easily amused, but they are capable of hiding their deeper thoughts behind vapid facades.

Rumors are spreading rapidly that they plan to take 100 human males back to their planet to breed with them.

Yikes! That must be causing mass panic and chaos in New York!

For sure. The line for volunteers already goes from Times Square up to The Bronx, and it’s expected to reach Boston by tonight.

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Above: A tourist poses next to Victoria’s Secret models following their appearance in New York’s Times Square to celebrate the return of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show to New York, November 18, 2009.

Middle: Victoria’s Secret models Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (L) and Izabel Goulart (R) pose in Times Square.

Below: Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsoloo poses in Times Square.

REUTERS photos by Brendan McDermid

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Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot in past years about your Christmas spirit and holiday mood, and this year I feel the same! Merry Christmas! What a joyous season! Eh?

Oh, I don’t know…

What are you talking about? It’s your favorite time of year! I thought nothing could dampen your spirit!

It’s just that I’ve seen something…. Something horrible. Something no human should ever have to watch.

I don’t care WHAT you saw, it shouldn’t douse the Christmas flame! Chestnuts on an open fire, sleigh rides, peace on earth…. Little children.

God bless us, every one! Buck up, Blog Guy!

Yeah, I suppose you’re right, friendly stranger. Say, would you mind clicking on this video below? Turn your volume way up….

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Quick quiz: This traditional folk festival in Colombia….

• Commemorates the native people’s struggle for freedom
• Is nearly 300 years old
• Features colorful horseback choreography
• Is a majestic tribute to Marge Simpson

Wait a minute, Blog Guy! If it’s 300 years old, how could it have anything to do with a 20th century cartoon character? Do you get my point?

I do indeed. Thanks for setting me straight, stranger.

And readers, please come back tomorrow for photos from the 200th anniversary of Seattle’s Betty and Veronica Festival…

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Performers dressed as natives take part in a traditional folk festival in San Martin in the province of Meta November 15, 2009. The annual festival, which has at least 270 years of history, commemorates the native people’s struggle for freedom against Spanish colonization. REUTERS/John Vizcaino

Marge Simpson on Playboy cover…

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