Not another %!@$#%#^% hand commercial!

Yeah, I know what you mean about signing Peace Accords. My TV contract was about this thick. Can I get a Fresca?

Is that Jerry’s wife, walking two paces behind and one to the left of him? Just by coincidence.

You ever notice that there are presidents who invite a guy. To his house, you know. He invites a guy. Then the guy, you know, thinks he has to dress up to see the president. So. Anyway, the guy, he’s thinking he maybe should dress normal, because he’s sure the president is expecting to see him like he normally does in a movie or on TV. But he’s the president, you know. So, anyway, I dress in a suit. I know what you’re thinking; why did you wear a suit? You never wore a suit on the show? At least, you’d have to work hard to find a fan who could identify an episode where you wore a suit. Now, there’s a fan you want nothing to do with, unless you want the whole “I’m your number one fan,” leg crushing episode to happen. I don’t think I was wearing a suite in that one (wait for a laugh) Anyway, here I am meeting with the President of Israel. Me! The President of Israel! So I go to the best tailor in Tel Aviv and ask him to make me a great suit. I pay over, oh, a hundred dollars American (wait for the laugh), and the guy brings out this gorgeous suit in silk material with matching shirt and custom tie. I’m amazed. This is the best suit I have ever worn. It is the best I have ever seen. So, I’m walking with the President of Israel, down the street from their equivalent of a White House, when I hear one of the ladies, who never in a million years would have thought I could overhear her, but I have good ears and she was probably a bit drunk, so this lady says, “He’s wearing a Moe number four.” I’m wearing a Moe number four. Not a number one. Not a number two, which I would guess comes in a dark brown tone (wait for laugh), and not a number three. What color is a number three? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Instead, I’m wearing a number four. I look around and notice something. There are at least a dozed people who are wearing the exact same suit. They are wearing the same suit and I think at least half were wearing the same shoes. Don’t ask me how that happened, since I had them made in New Hampshire. But it happened. So, the President leans over to me and says, “I almost pissed myself when you came in dressed just like a Presidential Security Detail officer interviewee.” I start work on Friday.