Open it, honey! It’s the worst I could find!

December 4, 2007

I honestly don’t know why we worry so much about protecting morons from themselves. Now there is a holiday list of the top 10 worst gifts for new relationships.

By using this list, a guy can learn that giving lingerie, gym equipment or a puppy to some woman he barely knows is not a good idea. But if he is that stupid, isn’t it better for the chick to find out right away? The list also warns not to give a ring, which is too personal, or a kitchen appliance, which isn’t personal enough… No kidding?

Guys, my advice is, just ignore the list. If you planned to buy a skimpy nightie or a diamond ring for some gal you just met yesterday, don’t let us stop you. And two words for a gift suggestion you might not even have considered: weed whacker.

While we’re on the subject of romantic gifts, you may want to have a look at Barely squeaking by on Valentine’s Day.


Merry first Christmas, honey! Model Karolina Kurkova walks the runway at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2007 in Hollywood, California November 15, 2007. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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I prefer tools.

Posted by Lady Weasel | Report as abusive

Power tools are the best…and and cookware if you pick up on the fact that I like to cook. If you really want to impress, just pick up on the fact that I’m intelligent and get me a good book

Posted by Jessica Rabbit | Report as abusive

Okay, got it. Neither of you will be getting rings this year….

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

Dear Santa,

I will save you your lap space this season. Instead, I am making a photo (thanks to Reuters Oddly Enough) request. I really appreciate the time and effort to get the gifts down my meager chimbley.

Last year’s gyrocopter horizontal blade bearing froze and the torsion forces cracked the Jesus nut and all of the vertical linkages. I had to throw it out. Luckily, it all happened on the ground so the blade that broke off only flew across the runway, striking a gas storage tank which exploded and killed seventeen people and one unlucky tabby cat but let me walk away perfectly safe. I understand they are the safest of all the aircraft available and I believe it.

I look forward to this years gift.

Number one on your Good list,

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

All I want for Christmas is an ironed shirt.

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

She is a true professional. Little does the common view know but her script for the entire evening was lost. Without any time to get another printed or to send someone out to find the missing script, she made a monumental decision. We think of these events as organized and timed to within an inch of their lives, but in fact, she is winging it.

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

Interesting list. Goes a long way to explain that whole angry ex-spouse thing.

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

I always give the gift of love: cash.

Posted by John C Abell | Report as abusive

If you really want to impress her, make sure the lingerie is in a lurid red and is at least two sizes too small. When she complains about it not fitting simply point out that if she dieted to fit in it, not only would she look better but she’d also make you so much happier.

Posted by Charlene | Report as abusive

Thanks for the useful shopping tips, Charlene. Now,is Lurid Red the actual color I’m supposed to ask for at the store?

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

Any red will do, although the closer to puce the better. Also make sure the lingerie is trimmed with lots of scratchy pretty lace as well.

And I forgot: when she complains about the lingerie, show her how upset her actions are making you feel. Tell her she’s always thinking of herself and couldn’t she at least *try* to think of *you* once in a while?

Posted by Charlene | Report as abusive

Charlene, this is advice I could never have gotten anyplace else! When I say these things to her, am I allowed to be eating extra-crispy chicken wings from a large KFC bucket, and drinking from a tumbler of Goldschlager?

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

It’s actually required, although PBR is the beer of choice (or Blue in Canada).

The best part about this is that you’ll never have to worry about buying those pesky Christmas gifts for her ever again. Problem solved!

Posted by Charlene | Report as abusive

PBR. What a swill idea.

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

The fairy god mother got lypo!

Posted by Hunter | Report as abusive