The first rule of Boxing Day is you don’t write about Boxing Day.
The second rule of Boxing Day is you do not wri…OW. Ouch, Ow, ow.

Ow.

“Certz is a candy mint!”
“Certz is a breath mint!”
“This is corn!”
“This is maize!”
“I’m her mother!”
“I’m her sister!”
“I’m her mother!”
“I’m her sister!”
“This is a spear!:
“No, it’s a freaking arrow!”

Peru’s traditional festival, Takanakuy, that lets folks wallop the living snot out of each other in public, to settle old scores, should be introduced to America because it can become a very good and effective anger management and therapeutic technique. Instead of setting disputes with guns that cause death, why not settle them with blows, without any life being lost?

We tried that Takeapokeataguy Festival stuff here and somebody ruined it for everyone by bringing a knife to a fistfight. So, naturally, we turned it into a knife fight.

Not everyone got the memo and next year — you guessed it — somebody brought a gun. Turns out a gun is pretty effective against soccer moms even when you run out of bullets.

Anyway the lawyers got involved and after a “cooling off period” of a few years Disney and some other Hollywood studios signed on to sponsor what were then transformed into harmless “theme” rumbles for reality TV — sort of like “Iron Chef” meets “American Gladiator.” You don’t what the weapons are going to be until you get there, so you better be ready to make war with either fresh fruit or pointed sticks. There was even talk of celebrity versions with some folks the producers know everyone would like to take out, like Dr. Phil, OJ and Rachel Ray.

Next year it’s Paramount’s turn to host and thanks to the Googles rumor has it the weapon of choice will be Clingon weapons. I might try to sneak in a Romulan Teral’n – that thing is a babe magnet — but I’m not sure they’ll go with my Spock ears.

It isn’t Boxing Day without 50% off electronics sales, Peru. Nice try.