This bathroom door is just painted on!

January 4, 2008

I hate to say I told you so, but it was just two months ago that a reader was tempted by glossy brochures about jobs in the exciting world of drug-smuggling homemade submarines. I advised him against it in a post called “Gosh, this sub really dives fast!”

Sure enough, some smugglers were just caught on their way from Colombia to the U.S., and as bad as that is for them, getting arrested is the best thing that can go wrong in one of these cheesy boats. Here are some common things you hear on a homemade sub:

  • “Captain, it looks like this up-and-down switch only goes down”
  • “Hey, this bathroom door is stuck – oh wait, it’s only painted on!”
  • “So like, what do we use these COCAINE STORAGE BINS for?”
  • “Shouldn’t you have shown an important film on emergency safety procedures before we left port?”

submarine-360.jpgCrew members of a homemade sub are arrested by Colombian navy personnel near Buenaventura January 3, 2008. REUTERS/ Colombian Navy/Handout 

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For a limited time only, buy one homemade sub and get a gyrocopter FREE! (Just pay shipping and handling). But — ONLY if you ACT NOW! Operators are standing by …

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How much longer? Are we there yet? I gotta go. Are we there yet? It smells funny in here. Can I sit in the front seat? Are we there yet? How much farther?

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

Janes Fighting Ships classifies this as a Durante class boat. The Durante class replaced both the DeBurgurac and Hope classes as the transport of choice for cocaine smugglers around 2002. It can be distinguised from the Funyon class marijuana smuggling submarine by its far thinner, more formal and businesslike appearance combined with an absence of conspicuously garish paint.

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

What does it cost to build a miniature submarine anyhow? That would be so cool!

Posted by Shawn Hendricks | Report as abusive

I read in Maxim that these cost around $1 million to build, but they haul $100 million worth of cocaine at a time. They’re built underneath dense trees to hide their production, specialized systems are involved such as scuttle valves to rapidly sink the whole thing if caught to keep the boat’s design a secret. The exhaust is also cooled by a special system so the boat won’t show up on infrared scanning.

Posted by Cameron | Report as abusive

[...] written about so many bad careers. There’s crocodile dentistry, being a crew member aboard a homemade submarine, being a trolleybus driver’s [...]

[...] Until today, my favorite oxymoron – and I’ve blogged on the subject frequently – was “homemade submarine.” [...]

[...] Until today, my favorite oxymoron – and I’ve blogged on the subject frequently – was “homemade submarine.” [...]