Clinical study, day one: Researchers, we recently became aware of Fashion Model Rage, thanks to the respected journal Oddly Enough. I presume you read the relevant papers, The age of runway rage? and Why so crabby, Abby?, which got us our $8.2 million study grant.

Pay attention to our first subject. We dressed a model in a shiny suit four sizes too small, and a Doc Holliday string tie. Note he cannot button his jacket and breathe at the same time, thus instantly raising his anxiety level. We adapted the outfit from a 1640s sketch of a Puritan undertaker.

Then we pushed him onto the runway, where strangers will mutter, snicker and gawk. Note his fists are beginning to curl and clench. He is about five seconds away from wading into that crowd for a large dose of chair-climbing whoop-ass.

The audience? Just a bunch of yokels off the tourist bus. I imagine they have health insurance.

A model presents a creation by Russian designer Max Chernitsov during Russian Fashion Week in Moscow March 31, 2008. REUTERS/Sergei Karpukhin

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