Blog Guy, these presidential campaigns look SO expensive! The candidates must be practically broke!

Oh please, don’t be so naive! It’s all about easy interstate commerce.

What the heck…

Look, hayseed! The candidates are in planes criss-crossing the country, right? They pick up stuff that’s abundant in one state, fly it to where it’s scarce, and sell it! No tariffs, no pesky taxes.

I had no idea…

Well then, grow up. Look at these photos. McCain buying Florida oranges and heading for the chilly Midwest. Obama picking pumpkins, then rattling off a quick speech while his staff loads them up.

You grab some rhubarb and fresh lobsters in one place, sell it across the country, and return with a load of turquoise keychains and buffalo skins. The so-called “battleground states” are the ones with the most money to spend.

Try it yourself. If you spread the word that folks in Montana would REALLY pay big for some radishes, you’ll have both candidates stumping there tomorrow, I promise!

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Above: Republican presidential nominee John McCain holds oranges he bought in Florida, October 23, 2008. REUTERS/ Brian Snyder

Below: Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama selects pumpkins in Florida, October 30, 2008. Obama staffers take pumpkins aboard plane.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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Somehow I doubt this was exactly what the editor had in mind when he sent a shooter out to the race track with a Grand Prix coming up. I bet he expected some shiny race cars, maybe well-known drivers chatting with the models..

Instead, we guessed that the ultimate male fantasy is wandering around piles of big old dirty tires and stumbling upon models in sexy red dresses and tennis shoes. You know, it sounds better when you say it than it looks in the photos.

“Hey, ladies, you come here often? Think it’s gonna be a Goodyear? Yeah, I got a million lines like that, ladies.”

I guess we’re just really lucky we didn’t find them hanging around a big old pile of rusted carburetors and mufflers and oily rags and stuff.

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Brazilian models pose next to  tires at Interlagos race track in Sao Paulo October 29, 2008.The Brazilian Formula One Grand Prix will take place November 2. REUTERS/Paulo Whitaker

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When Chad Ruble’s weekly odd video presentation coincides with Halloween in an election year, you know what that means.

No, not free candy. It means Non-stop Halloween stories with a political backdrop. Sorry, no cute animals from Germany this time…

Here’s Chad and here is Chad’s Archive…

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Blog Guy, Barack Obama seems to have created a monster with this Joe the Plumber guy. Is there a danger of that happening again?

I’m afraid so. Obama tries to engage as many voters as possible on the trail, but he’s often too vain to wear his glasses.

As you can see from today’s photos, Obama will show up tomorrow with anecdotes about “Joe the Ghost” and “Joe the Scarecrow.”

Of course, some have a more jaded view, saying Obama’s plan is to publish a series of children’s books about his characters, who will already be famous.

There are rumors that he’s hard at work on “Joe the Weekend TV Weather Girl” and “Joe the Busboy at the Thai Restaurant.” Just hope he doesn’t meet a proctologist before Tuesday.

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Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama is pictured alongside an image of a ghost at the United Methodist Church Pumpkin Patch in Sarasota, Florida, October 30, 2008.

Obama pretends that a pumpkin is too heavy for his back.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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So there’s a gadget show this weekend, and some of the stuff is pretty neat. A “robot guitar” that tunes its own strings, a solar-powered mobile phone charger, and best of all, a chair that uses powerful magnets to float in the air.

They say the hover chair feels like you’re “floating on a cloud,” but let’s get serious. That’s fun for what, two seconds? The real fun comes when you use those super magnets for evil:

• Hey Herb, nice new studs in your tongue! You wanna try my hover chair?
• Lola, take out your credit cards and count em while you relax in my chair!
• Dave, you still have that shrapnel in your butt from the war?

Oh crud! It turns out you have to pass some kind of maturity test before they’ll sell you one. Isn’t that always the way?

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Hover chair. REUTERS/Stuff Live/Handout

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Okay gang, listen up! Ernie came up with a GREAT idea I want to share with you!

As you know, we ordered WAY too many McCain Palin bumper stickers, considering most people can’t afford to drive their cars anymore.

But instead of just going to waste, Ernie sent them over to the rally, to have people stick ‘em on their heads! Kind of like hats, only cheaper! Ernie says it’s a solid sea of supporters with bumper stickers on their foreheads over there!

Is that GREAT, or… Huh? The sticky stuff is industrial strength glue? Permanent? Loss of hair and skin? Emergency rooms?

Um, Ernie, you might wanna warn the candidate not to spend too much time workin’ the crowd over there…

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A supporter cheers at a campaign rally with Republican presidential nominee John McCain in Miami, October 29, 2008. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

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You can’t take it with you, but it turns out you can keep making it after you’re gone.

Forbes has unveiled its annual list of Top-Earning Dead Celebrities, for whom fame was the gift that keeps on giving.

The operative word here is dead, so I don’t care to make the list myself. But here is some good advice for you aspiring dead celebrities:

Be iconic. Marilyn Monroe and James Dean are sill raking it in from their well-known images, decades after they left us.

Appeal to the booboisie. Aaron Spelling is number five on the list thanks to shows like Charlie’s Angels and Beverly Hills 90210. Boy, the classics just live forever.

Be a tradition. Peanuts creator Charles Schultz earned $33 million last year, much of it from TV shows that multiple generations watch every year. That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

And the best advice, be Elvis. $52 million last year. Top of the list. He’s The King.

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The Charlie Brown balloon in a 2002 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff
Christensen

Live band backs up a virtual Elvis during a memorial concert of Elvis footage in Memphis, Tennessee, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, my girlfriend is in LOVE with some actor named Josh Brolin. She’s always like, “Josh Brolin this” and Josh Brolin that.”

What do you want me to do about it? I can’t have people killed anymore.

No, not that. But I read about your Oddly Enough Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, and I thought you just might have a less than flattering picture of this Brolin guy.

Ah. Yes, we added a new one to our collection just this week. Check it out.

Whoa! That’s HIM? He’s a monster!

Well, in fairness, his hair is combed kind of funny in this shot. It makes a difference. You want some nice warm doughnuts with this photo?

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Actor Josh Brolin sticks his tongue out as he arrives at the 12th annual Hollywood Awards gala in Beverly Hills, California October 27, 2008. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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From London comes a story about this senior government official who was punished for leaving secret intelligence files on a train when he was taking them home. How do you suppose that went?

“Is this Lost and Found? I left some files on the 6:40 from Paddington yesterday and I wondered if anybody turned them in? They were in a tan folder, and the cover said, Top-Secret Plans for Invading Pakistan and Toppling the Corrupt Regime.”

“I’m afraid not, sir. Here’s one called Top-Secret Plans for the Normandy Invasion, and another titled Using Opium to Take Over China and Get Rich, but those have been here for some time.”

“I say! May I leave some identification in case they turn up?”

“Of course. Hmm, License to Kill. Jolly good! We don’t get many of those around here, Mr. Seven…”

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Actor Daniel Craig, who plays James Bond. REUTERS/Aly Song

The Omega ‘Seamaster Planet Ocean’ watch worn by Daniel Craig during the filming of ‘Casino Royale’. REUTERS/Denis Balibouse

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“Honey, should I wear my red dress tonight, or my…”

“Yes…”

There you have it. An actual conversation that proves men like red stuff on women. And yet, Reuters reports on a new study that spent $40 million to see if red was more of a turn-on for men than, say, dark brown.

That figure is just a rough guess, you understand, since I have no idea what it really cost.

But if somebody IS still funding studies to prove the bleeding obvious, I want a piece of that.

I’d like to find out if guys prefer…

• stiletto heels and ankle straps, or rubber flip-flops
• blondes, or chicks with brown hair and flecks of dandruff falling out
• creamy smooth skin, or a lot of big ripe zits
• women who want expensive jewelry, or women who think gems are “icky”

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Top: REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Below left: REUTERS/Eirc Gaillard

Below right: REUTERS/Alexander Natruski

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