Mommy, that panda has an arm in its mouth!

November 24, 2008

Gentlemen, this is the worst crisis the Panda Propaganda Council has ever faced!

We need full damage-control! News has got out that a guy sneaked into the panda pen at a zoo, just for a cuddle, and the panda ATTACKED him!

Of course Pandas are vile beasts that drink bourbon and smoke cigars, but we cover it up so we can rake in $60 billion a year from panda cuteness.

Incidents like last year, when pandas at the National Zoo ate a whole busload of schoolchildren, have never come to light.

So you know the drill. Herb, you plant stories smearing this victim as a panda-hater. Earl, get the panda that did it to cry on Oprah. Lois, pay that dimwit Reuters blogger to run adorable panda shots.

If we can’t fix this, we may as well hand our whole business over to those greedy thugs with the roly-poly polar bear cubs, or God-forbid, those monsters with the cute floating otters!

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Cute panda photos: REUTERS

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This article was a complete waste of bandwidth.

Posted by Gary | Report as abusive


Posted by Caz | Report as abusive

But… they’re so CUTE. How can you say that? :)

Posted by Kevin | Report as abusive

Maybe citing a source to ascertain the notion of alledge incident would be useful.

Posted by animals are tasty | Report as abusive

Oh come on “animals are tasty” its funny, thats enough of it.
Recently in melbourne a teenage girl was bitted (“Mauled”) by a panda.
They’re not safe and people need to know this, not get hooked on their cute shape.
Look at Puss in Boots from Shrek 2, dead cute, dead-ly.

Posted by Charly | Report as abusive

OK guys, once again, this is a NOT-SERIOUS blog, NOT a “real news” blog. Learn to read more carefully; it’s right up there in the title. The source is also clearly linked in the article.

Posted by GreatCircle | Report as abusive

it’s not a real news blog, i know. but can it at least be entertaining. this is a waster of words.

Posted by dee | Report as abusive

Reading this blog shows me that there is no shortage of morons in this world. It’s a cute and funny article with cute pictures. The waste of words is that any of you even wrote anything. Idiots

Posted by A Human | Report as abusive

Seriously, what is it about pandas that are so cute? Why is it impossible to look at them and think “wild animal”? They always seem to look like little innocent kittens.

Posted by Mary K | Report as abusive

Well, Mary K., it appears the Propaganda Council is earning it’s money…

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

This article was a complete waste of pandage!
I am just glad these pandites were not referred to as ‘bears’. All Pandalinos in my neighborhood are severely insulted by the word ‘bear’. Pandaroos are specifically a mutant form of marsupial more alike to a buffalloon or floataphant than anything grizzled.
They prefer to refer as big fat rats that have a penchant for eye make-up.

Posted by Sam Tilden Goofus | Report as abusive

We have a panda exhibit here at the local zoo. The contract specifies that the pandas are on display in snow, sleet, rain, fog, you name it. Just like the U.S. Postal Service. But, there is no clause regarding sand storms, because, as we all know, there is no sandy clause.

Posted by Dr. Doll | Report as abusive

Maybe we could start calling them Panda BEARS. Patently un-Prolific Powerful Panda BEARS. Bears is kinda scary.

Posted by PD | Report as abusive

Dr. Doll, I love you. I read Blog Guy just to see your comments. :)

Posted by Kylie | Report as abusive

It’s amazing that people can make a living writing trash like this.

Posted by bob | Report as abusive

It is, isn’t it?

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

It’s amazing that people can live trashing writing like this!

Dr. Doll

Posted by Dr. Doll | Report as abusive

Pandas are docile, people are around them and petting them all the time. It’s humans that are evil and dangerous. The guy that sneaked in the cage was some drunk and crazy perwson who lived on the streets. He was deranged, he even tried to bite it on the back. That’s called self-defense.

Posted by Mark | Report as abusive

Now they are cute – wouldn’t that be cute to have a giant panda as a pet!

Posted by Bowraven | Report as abusive