Ssss! Your ssstretch limo is here!

February 5, 2009

It turns out there’s one more thing to be afraid of. Meet the Titanoboa, which scientists just reported on.

The snake was 43 feet long – about like two stretch limos parked at a prom – and weighed 2,500 pounds, roughly like the Exxon Valdez, give or take.

A Titanoboa fossil was found at a coal mine, which I guess means he enjoyed eating sweaty guys in hard hats. But the amazing part is that nowhere in our story can I find the crucial word “extinct.”

He could still be out there, slithering toward your home some damp, moonless night, looking for a wide bedroom window to crawl through.

My advice? If your daughter is going to a prom, tell her not to be the first one in the stretch limo. Also, Village People, watch your backs!

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Above: Stretch Hummer limo in file photo. REUTERS/ Claro Cortes IV

Below: Artist’s rendering shows prehistoric snake Titanoboa, whose remains were found in a Colombian coal mine. REUTERS/ Jason Bourque

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16 comments

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[...] Titanoboa! [...]

No one else has mentioned the absence of that word! Those snakes are probably still down there. If people start to go missing while looking around for more fossils, we’ll know for sure.

Posted by Mary K | Report as abusive

Right, Mary. I’m sure “they” don’t want us to know that there are thousands of Titanoboas still around. He’s supposed to be three-feet-wide, the exact width of large manhole covers in major cities. Makes you think.

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

For a snake that was as long as a bus (estimates up to 15 meters), and as heavy as ute (over 2 tonnes) that snacked on crocodiles, could munch a grown human in a second, except it would struggle to squeeze through the doorway, and could crack the building for the sheer size and its muscle, its no wonder there is a huge fascinatiion over such monster.If one ruled over the world today, it could easily constrict animals as large as an elephant, swallow goats and bulls, and nothing could be used to excavate such animal for further investigations.So, if you are living in a Colombian rainforest, I d suggest that you close all your windows (not that windows would stop such monster enter your house), and hope that this monster doesnt flatten your house from the top from its huge weight.

Posted by Ricky | Report as abusive

I can see a new movie script on the horizon, it will dwarf Anaconda! Hollywood Writers must be thankful for a new idea.

Well yes, Brad, the Hollywood trade papers say a deal has already been made for “Titanoboas on a Plane.”

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

snakes are harmless if you know how to handle them.

Ah. And how do you handle a 2,500 pound snake?

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

Very carefully…

Posted by Me | Report as abusive

I can handle yer giant snake. I gots yer giant snake right here, right here in my pants.[grabs crotch]

Posted by some joker who went "there" | Report as abusive

The Titanoboas is realy two members of the Senate

Posted by Snr terry | Report as abusive

You can see this snake in action by watching – “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”. Titanoboa is just about the size of the critter that almost eats Harry near the end of the film…. creepy!

Posted by Gene Grim | Report as abusive

I like schnitzel with french fries. Austria rules. That snake business is weird. Quite odd and philosophical.

How cool. It’s amazing to ride in a spacious and elegant limo.

This is a fabulous blog and that limo is humongous. It must have plenty of gadgets installed in it. How much is the hourly charge? I am definitely hiring it for my stag party next month.

Snake pie for all, drive over it stick in reverse get your self a big baking tin and food for all! :)

Wow that snake looks scary and long like a limo.