It smells like the sub is coming!

February 23, 2009

I’ve blogged in the past about the exciting opportunities to be found in the elite HSF (Homemade Submarine Fleet), aboard cheesy subs that carry tons of cocaine all the way from Colombia to the ultimate selling point, which I think is about two blocks from my house.

These craft have long been shrouded in mystery, but today we have a story that fills in some of the details. I was most struck by two particular facts in our story:

1) The smuggling runs…can take up to two weeks…

2) There is no bathroom…

So, wait a minute, I’m trying to do the math. Uh, two weeks, no bathroom…

Okay, I once suggested that serving aboard these smuggling subs might be the most dangerous thing in the world. But now I think it would be far worse to be using the only stall in the nearest Men’s Room when the sub finally docks. Now THAT’S danger!

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A semi-submersible vessel caught in the Pacific Ocean with about seven tons of cocaine in 2008. Known as “coffins,” the sleek jungle-built submarines steam their way north from Colombia through Pacific waters to deliver tons of illegal drugs headed for the U.S. market. Picture taken February 17, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Carlos Barria

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I have been checking out propane tanks and such, for making my very own pleasure sub. Not a drug running sub.

These may smell a bit. And let’s face it, kind of torchy, like.

So, oh blog king, where would I go to get one of these used subs, to cruise around in the nearby lake? I promise, I will go to the bathroom before I submerge!

Posted by Tim | Report as abusive

Oh, a correction, for the Navy purists that will surely accuse me of being unnautical.

I will use the ‘head,’ before I go on my happy submerged adventures!

There, I am not being naughty now, am I?

Posted by Tim | Report as abusive

Tim, there are a couple of good ways to get one of these subs.

1) Get a boat with a huge magnet and drag the Pacific Ocean floor near Colombia until you find one that didn’t quite make it. Once you clean out the bodies, it’s yours.
2) Steal a section of the Alaska oil pipeline, crimp both ends, and you’re in business. Don’t forget to cut a hole in the bottom to use as a toilet.

Posted by Robert Basler | Report as abusive

Mr Basler,

Is it possible that I could just use the bodies for ballast until they get too smelly?

And, as I said, I will use a certified head. I can always take a porta potty with me while I am sub hunting. Then I would use a lot of duct tape, put it on top of the newly appropriated sub, and I even have a conning tower. Or sail, to be more correct, in Navy lingo.

I may have to punch a hole in the door of this combination head/sail, and duct tape some plexiglass over the hole, for those ‘moving moments,’ while under way. And to watch for other subnarines that might be our enemies.

Or? Would you like to go ‘fishing’ with me? It does sound like a lot of fun!

I just dropped a torpedo in the sail! Full speed a head, Mr Basler!

I, your crew, is fully aware of the danger we will be sailing into!

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what would you do for a submarine. Or a Klondike bar.

I get confused, sometimes.

Good sailing, Mr Basler!

Posted by Tim | Report as abusive

[...] Robert Basler created an interesting post today on Oddly Enough » Blog Archive » It smells like the sub is coming b…/bHere’s a short outlineanimals Apocalypse Barack Obama beauty best of the best bikini Bob’s Favorites bullfighting campaign careers cars crime cute animals death drinks entertainment Fashion food gadgets George Bush guns hair heights bhumor/b jewelry John McCain b…/b [...]

[...] It smells like the sub is coming! (Reuters) [...]

my question is, how do they navigate blind?
does gps work underwater? how about communications, somebody would have to be there waiting in a secret spot

like on a pier in miami

Posted by axel | Report as abusive

A semi-submersible submarine? Aren’t all sea-going vessels semi-submersible, or is that like my vehicle being semi-aerial when it jumps over badgers?

Try saying ‘several semi-submersible sailing submarines’ quickly.

[...] It smells like the sub is coming! (Reuters) [...]

The Russians will sell you a military sub from the 50′s or even a fighter jet for less than half a million dollars and you can drop contraband from a bomb bay from an altitude of fifty feet. Seems like a much better way to bring the stuff in. But the absolute safest way is to inject liquid drugs inside melons, oranges or grapefruits, put a mark of some sort on it (kind of like marking cards), then bring it across with thousands of fruit that hasn’t been tampered with by the truckload.

All the trillions of dollars we’ve spent to keep drugs out of the US hasn’t made a dent. And guess what? It never will.

Posted by Dolmance | Report as abusive

[...] blame myself. I’ve spent so much time in this blog warning about homemade submarines that I haven’t actually mentioned, if you’re going to go straight up in the sky in a [...]

[...] blame myself. I’ve spent so much time in this blog warning about homemade submarines that I haven’t actually mentioned, if you’re going to go straight up in the sky in a [...]