Iguana hold your hand…

August 1, 2009

Blog Guy, I’m attending a huge heavy metal festival in Wacken, Germany, and the officials here have just asked us to avoid “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands,” for fear of spreading that H1N1 flu.

What’s the fun of being a reveler if we can’t do those things? Not to mention, who wants to listen to this heavy metal crap without something else to distract them?

Yeah, I hear you. Time to get out the old lizard, dude!

Please, PLEASE tell me “get out the old lizard” is a euphemism for something?

Nope. When I was a kid, back at Woodstock, there wasn’t much kissing either, mostly because we were just too damned ugly. So instead, we all took pet lizards with us. Under the right circumstances, they’re not that bad.

Ewwwwwwww! Stop! Stop!

It’s just like Jimmy Morrison of The Doors used to sing, “I am the lizard king, I can do anything…”

You win, Blog Guy! You are from the 60′s, the BADDEST generation. Here I am, lizardless in Wacken, with nobody to even hold my hand….

Thanks. You know, I could have gone a different direction with an event in a place called Wacken….

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Above: Revelers on their way to the festival area during annual heavy metal music open-air festival in the northern German village of Wacken, Germany, July 30, 2009. REUTERS/Morris Mac Matzen

Right: Zhao Jing poses with his pet lizard on a street in Wuhan, China, July 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Why would you block comments on a boy and his ass? Why wouldn’t you block comments on “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands?” We Woodstock alums know that xxxxing is the only serious sharing of precious bodily fluids of any import.

We did not take pet lizards to the venue. We took our own lizards and used them salaciously. This boy is unlikely to spread H1N1 any more than “hugging, kissing on the cheek, and shaking hands.” is likely to do so. My God, he doesn’t need to Wacken, he needs to be xxxxing! We may have been dirty, smelly, and ugly at Woodstock; but, we still did a lot of xxxxing!

If he can’t find his lizard, someone needs to help him out! No guy is lizardless in Wacken (Unless he sings soprano because he was deprived of same).

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