Go on, stab me! I double-dare you!

January 20, 2010

soccer vest 260Ever wonder what a conversation between total dumbasses sounds like? Let’s listen in….

“Hey Earl! I know we’re planning on going to the World Cup in June, but I heard they have 50 murders a day down there in South Africa….”

“Wow Lamar, that’s a lot! So you’re saying maybe we should stay home?”

“Of course not! I’m saying we should each spend $69.95 for vests to protect us from getting stabbed! There’s a company advertising anti-stab vests for soccer fans, and you can even get ’em with team colors.”

soccer combo 200“Gosh Lamar, it doesn’t seem like those vests would help much against guns, or somebody hitting you over the head with a pipe wrench, or stabbing you in the throat, or sticking your head in a toilet to drown you…

“Still, on the positive side, wearing our team colors on a stab vest IS kind of like a challenge to the fans of all the other teams, I suppose.”

“Exactly, Earl! It says, COME AND GET US AND BRING YOUR KNIVES! Plus look on the bright side. We’re probably not smart enough to put them on, anyway….”

The above conversation is only imaginary, but the stab vests are real. And now South African officials are pissed off, calling them an “abominable money making ploy using fear tactics.”

For their part, the sellers say their vest “offers effective protection from potential attacks from blades, knives, bottles and broken glass and turns your stab vest into a special and exclusive fan article.”

What I don’t get is, who would voluntarily GO someplace where this garment might be necessary? Listen dumbasses, just stay at home and watch on television.

You can even stab yourselves if it’s that important to you.

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Right top: Argentine veteran soccer idol Diego Maradona wears a novelty headset with a plastic butcher’s knife appearing to go through his head at a private neurological center where he was staying for a medical check-up, in a 1998 file photo.

Right bottom: Belgian police arrest a man after he taunted soccer fans with a knife, in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Jerry Lampen

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Protection level: KR1.. what does that mean? I guess for $69.95 you won’t have to worry about being stabbed by a butter knife.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Social comments and analytics for this post…

This post was mentioned on Twitter by RtrsOddlyEnough: Go on, stab me! I double-dare you! http://link.reuters.com/fyw64h…

Posted by uberVU – social comments | Report as abusive

Dumbasses and soccer fans. Redundant!

Posted by T54 | Report as abusive

“The man in the bottom picture was arrested after taunting soccer fans with a knife”??? It looks like the soccer fans had the knife!

Posted by Db8r | Report as abusive

I like things that go BOOM also. The bigger the BOOM the better.

And thanks for clearing up the rating system for the vests unca…. A little knowledge goes a long way in keeping your internal organs internal.

The guy in the pictures is actually gettig escorted away after he went through Shra and E’s doughnut stash.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

@All Readers:

I can assure you this blog is not horrible at all. 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

I would never go out in public in a knife-through-the-head costume. I wouldn’t even wear a fedora in public. I’m actually a very proper, reserved professional who –to relieve stress — lapses into brief moments of inane behavior on a very special, well-written blog that I like very much. And I also write on this one. 😉

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Surely everyone likes things that go boom ?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Doctor Doll, I like you… you sound like my kinda guy… now, when can we meet for brunch?
If you want me to recognize you, you could try the knife-through-the-head act… Very eye-catching! :)
Mr. Pilot, E and my stack is quite safe thank you,… he actually was rummaging through Bill and Dave’s stack… no wonder you cant see them both here yet…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Well, CrowGirl, perhaps not ALL things that go boom…

a couple of hot water lines went boom recently in the office and it wasn’t fun…

well, I guess it was somewhat fun to see the boss’ papers soaking wet and his computer going boom -more like psshhh, really- in solidarity.

Actually, I did crack up!!

No, you are right, I think it IS safe to say we all like things that go boom!

Nevertheless, on Maradona… I confess I don’t too much see the difference between the before and after that pictured surgery.

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

iflydaplanes, trust me, he’d look a lot worse if he’d been through my doughnut stash. Heck, he’s look worse for even *looking* at my doughnut stash!! :)

I am a soccer fan, but I’m not a dumbass. Am I? :(


Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

My tour of duty in the military taught me the following:

Rule 1: Boom = Bad.
Rule 2: No Boom = Good.
Rule 3: If boom here, and no boom there, then you need to get your butt from here to there.

I am now remodeling my house. I install my own appliances and do my own electrical wiring. Rules 1-3 apply.

It’s going to be a hard, busy day for Dr. Doll’s mouthpiece. Hopefully, no BOOM (both literally and metaphorically speaking).

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

E, that makes two of us.

Football fans, I mean. The dumbass bit probably applies, but for completely different reasons.


Posted by justM | Report as abusive

Dr. Doll your tour of duty in the military did indeed teach you well. However, there are things that go boom that are quite enjoyable.

Large fireworks.

Implosions from buildings being taken down… and subsequently the boom of the building collapsing. That’s a two-fer.

100-ton bombs being tested in the middle of the dessert for unknowns reasons. I would post the link to that but I don’t have internet access other than this site at this job of mine.

If the boom is followed by a fireball of adequate size then I just giggle like a school-girl. Granted no-one got hurt of course.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

You know what would make soccer more interesting? Land mines. Just a suggestion.

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

Mr. Pilot… you giggle like a schoolgirl?????? reallly?????? Boy, I would like to here that… 😛

And really, am not a blood and gore kinda person… I mean, of course I like to see lots of it on screen… but not in person… make me queasy….

As for BOOM BOOM… yeah, I love fireworks… saw that on New Year… made my heart go Boom Boom!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, I suggest we don’t go into boom boom, which is a completely different issue.

Although it may be a bit too late, considering the post on brothels…

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

Do I have a deal for you, Shra and Ifly. My office is on the 4th floor of a downtown office building. One of my windows looks out on a boulevard, and across that is a BIG building slated for demolition, where there will then be a green space/park.

I don’t know if they’ll use a wrecking ball or implosion, but I intend to be here in my office watching when the building comes down. Hey, I’ll spring for donuts. (Although, I too watch my waistline, Shra.)

I can see it now: Boom…~giggle~…”You want that donut?”…Munch…”More coffee?”…Munch, slurp…BOOOOOM…~GIGGLE~….

I’m all aquiver!

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Boom boom can be taken in sooooooo many ways… lovely!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

iflydaplanes…you’re either a Mythbusters fan…or you ARE a mythbuster. You don’t happen to have a big bushy moustache do you? And wear a beret all the time?


justM, I hardly think you or I are dumbasses! My ass happens to be quite smart 😀 You should hear some of the things it comes out with.



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Oh yes, Shra. Until today, I didn’t think I would ever want the nickname “Boomer.”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

E, while I do have a moustache it is not big and bushy no. My ex-girlfriend could not understand why I love that show so much. Hence the “ex” part of girlfriend.

Dr. Doll, I am on my way and I got the beer! Waistlines be damned!!

Shra, hey a guys just gotta tee-hee sometimes ya know? Meet me up at Dr. Dolls for the demolition and you will hear me giggle a’plenty! :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

mmmm I like the website, quite thought provoking.. but seriously, who is dumb enough to think they can enjoy watching a match in a heavy vest?

Posted by tamboti | Report as abusive

Tamboti!!! You are kiddddddddddddding!!! Basler, tamboti is calling your blog THOUGHT PROVOKING!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA… HEHE HE HE HE HE HE HE…. I needed that joke after that Skull blog…..
Mahvellous, Tamboti!! Priceless!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

E, thanks a lot for the invitation, but I think I’ll pass on it. As someone said earlier, ignorance is bliss.

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

iflydaplanes, watching that show is part of my evening routine! Even my cat likes watching it!



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

E, you and I just became good friends. :)

I used to be allergic to cats but then I had to have a bone marrow transplant (unrelated to being allergic to cats) and somehow that cured all my allergies. I used to think it was just a pleasant silver lining to the whole procedure but now…could there have been a deeper purpose? hmmmmm .. heh

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

ifly, you should adopt a cat. 😀 There is no greater feeling! I love my cat to bits! (As is obvious from the amount of times I mention him while commenting.)

Go on, you know you want to!


Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

There was a show that was produced from across the pond called Danger Mouse. I loved that show as a kid.
What that has to do with anything I dunno.

E, I would get a cat but my roomates are pretty much anti-animal people. I am hoping to find a new place soon once I can find a job that affords me to do so.

I really want a min-pin though. I would name it Panzer and we would plot world domination together!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I am a dog person, Unca and I love my dog to bits, E!!
Mr.Pilot, you could have been my roomie coz I am pro-animals.. ofcourse if its in the house, dog, cat and goldfish is where my pet policy ends… dont do reptiles and spiders… what’s a min-pin btw? (I am just trying to understand not learn!)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Thanks Unca… where would I be without you?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Thanks for the offer Shra. You wouldn’t have minded me building a secret laboritory behind the bookcase though would you have?

And also would have needed a place to stash my getaway airplane.

Min-pins are small dogs with big attitudes that’s why they would be my animal of choice for world domination which as of now consists of conquering FarmVille.

Hey gotta start somewhere.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Well, the secret laboratory sounds fun… you could make your own Frankenstein… just keep the growling down…
and the airplane…. well… you could always dig up the community garden to make your underground hangar…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I will minimize the growling. May I giggle freely though?

Sounds like a plan. I would just have to figure out how I would tackle the commute to work.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Yeah… I mean getting the plane out too often may anger the green fingers in the building block…
And you may giggle all you want…. provided you make me giggle too…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

The green fingers wouldn’t have to worry much as the plane would only be used as a means of getaway. Like when the do-gooder discovers my lab and trys to foil my plans of world domination. Hopefully I would not have to worry about that and if I do it should only be a one time thing anyway.

Yeah, a few tomatos and petunias might be lost and that would be a shame. I would never intend for innocent vegetation to get mixed up in things.

Keep in mind my giggle-ness is generally restricted to when things go boom…and fart jokes…. so if that does not make you giggle also I would have to find out what does.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Go right ahead! 😛

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Hmmm lets see then…. gathering the knowledge I have gained through my interaction and observation of the female gender I believe puppies, gossip, movies starring Hugh Grant, and the cute jock/office worker with the ripped abs make women giggle.

Also large closets full of new shoes.

Am I in the ballpark? heh

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Yes you are.. 😛

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Very good then, we will start from there :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive