Heartwarming, bedwarming story of stupid

January 22, 2010

A reader writes, “Bobby, what in your opinion is the stupidest idea of the new year so far?”

GERMANY/There’s lots of competition, but I think I have a clear winner. It turns out several Holiday Inns are going to offer a human bed-warming service.

I know that’s just what I look for in a hotel, the chance to have some employee get under my covers before I do.

I mean, it’s bedtime, but instead of simply climbing into bed and wriggling around for 30 seconds to warm it up like a normal person, I now call the front desk and they send up Eugene “Big Gene” Johnson.

Now Big Gene, who’s just been working in the hotel’s furnace room, crawls into my king-size bed with a box of soda crackers. As cracker crumbs fly from his mouth, he regales me with stories of his days as a Brooklyn longshoreman.

WORLD CUP 2006 PREVIEW HOTELWhile I huddle shivering nearby, Big Gene also tells me between belches that he guesses the chili dog he had for dinner didn’t agree with him.

When the crackers are finished, Big Gene gets up and apologizes for a big sheet stain where his butt was, then holds his hand out for a tip, and he’s gone.

By the time I get undressed, the bed is cold again. These soda cracker crumbs sure are itchy…

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Above: Holiday Inn hotel in Munich’s district of Schwabing, March 9, 2009. REUTERS/Alexandra Beier

Right: An interior view shows a suite of the Holiday Inn Hotel in Walldorf, Germany, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Alex Grimm

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Perhaps it won’t be Big Gene that does the service. Perhaps it will be the lovely lady in red or almost visible boob chick from the brothels post. Or a hot VS model flown in via helicopter.

Ever think about those possiblities?

Doesn’t seem so bad now does it. :p

Oh wait, I think I was dreaming while being unconscious from Big Genes noxious odors.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I am not going to Holiday Inn… I prefer hostels..

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I’m suspicious, even after reading the main article. This isn’t some euphemism for ‘special attention’ is it? Holiday Inn today…Brothel Inn tomorrow!



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Wow! That Eugene “Big Gene” “Toilethead” Johnson gets around….

Oh, and that stain, just ignore that.

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

The premise is gross and disgusting. Your description is more gross and disgusting. I think I will go have lunch.

Posted by T54 | Report as abusive

Do we get to choose who warms the bed?

Okay, I’ll go back to whatever it was I was doing.

Posted by kgolden1 | Report as abusive

Jeez, kgolden, I can’t begin to imagine whom you would choose…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Toilet seats get cold, too. And I don’t particularly like the feel of my toothbrush until about mid-way through the morning brush. Maybe a toothbrush warmer service? And ever notice how the first few bites of a jelly donut never have any jelly in them? They are going to have to get “Big Gene” some help.

Posted by salty1 | Report as abusive

Great ideas, Salty! And what about when a hotdog is shorter than the bun, somebody has to eat that first bite without any meat.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I already have a bedwarmer, but I think I need to upgrade to bedwarmer 10.0. And I want the upgrade to include turning the pillow over to get the cool side. This time, I think I’ll get the version without a cold nose, four paws, and a tail.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Mmmmmm chili dogs.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Warm doughnuts, now you’re talking! :-)

What about a warm towel whe you get out of the shower? Can ‘Big Gene’ do that? (No, thanks.)

People on this blog are spoiled!

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

Eugene “Big Gene” Johnson??? hahahhah what a nice name! i put my pajamas on a radiator before i wear them.. no need for bedwarmer

Posted by Caglar | Report as abusive

Well, I suppose it would cut down on the worrying about being smothered by electric blankets.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Well, the radiator works for me too…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Well, I used to think about ‘bed-warmers’ being a nice idea until I realised my wife had just gotten herself one of those in the form of me!

It just all went downhill from there.

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

I have a towel warmer…which I never use. In fact, I actually forgot I had it until now. Go figure!


Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Awww M… that is cute…. but why the downhill part?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

My friend was legally blind up to two years ago, when surgey partially restored his sight. He had (and still has) a guide dog and officially is still considered to be blind. His dog, he says, is an excellent bed-warmer, and doesn’t complain when you steal most of the blankets.
Fundamentally he doesn’t actually need the dog anymore, but he gets great seats on airplanes and at concerts, and the chicks really dig it – so he tells me.

Posted by zeitgeist | Report as abusive