Five guys who NEVER get picked in speed dating

February 17, 2010

Well, Debby, I see all the best guys are already taken once again. I’m starting to think these speed dates are fixed!

loser combo vertical 280You and me both, Daphne! Put your glasses back on and tell me who’s left for us.

I don’t know why I’M always the one who has to put her glasses on. Let’s see. We got a guy in a bowler hat, socks with garters, and boxer shorts…

I’ll pass.

Then we got a guy looks like Pee Wee Herman. He’s wearing….


Well, aren’t WE picky tonight! Who are you, Angelina Frickin’ Jolie? Then we got a guy in a jacket with a painting of somebody buck naked, with wings.

Hmmmm. Is there anything strange about the guy?

Half of his face is covered in silver paint, now that you mention it. Uh, then there’s a guy with a sword handle sticking out his mouth.

No, I’m sick of meeting sword swallowers at these things. How about that guy there, who just came in?

Ah, right. The one with his face painted red and green and a ring in his nose who is gnawing on a huge bone, probably human?

COLOMBIAOh. So Daphne, do you think that guy IS Pee Wee Herman, or just LOOKS like him?

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A model presents a creation at the Michael Bastian Fall 2010 collection during New York Fashion Week, February 14, 2010. REUTERS/Cary Horowitz

Actor Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman arrives at the opening night of the “Pee Wee Herman Show” in Los Angeles, January 20, 2010. REUTERS/Gus Ruelas

A model presents a creation from the Vassilios Kostetsos Fall 2010 collection during New York Fashion Week February 14, 2010. REUTERS/Cary Horowitz

Li Kui, a stuntman, swallows a sword during a performance at the Lianhuachi Temple Fair in Beijing, February 15, 2010. REUTERS/Christina Hu

A reveller performs during a parade at the Carnaval de Barranquilla in Colombia, February 13, 2010. REUTERS/John Vizcaino

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I wouldnt mind going for the guy in the silver face paint…
to be honest, Change his clothes, wash his face, put him in another profession, and hey presto! He is good enough to take home to my mom!!!!
Oh and did I mention, he looks really cute!! Ofcourse, i have the vision to look at his potential, ;)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I thought your mom had her heart set on you marrying a pilot?

Posted by rbasler | Report as abusive

I’m with you Shra! It’s all about potential. I met my guy when he was wearing a spiky dog collar and a mesh shirt, double-fisting beer…now it’s all button-downs and polos at the golf course. Mind control for the win!

…And keeping him drunk most of the time :)

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Ooh, and pilots are the best. Better if they’re military!

Maybe instead of Sergio’s Surreptitious Skivvies, we could settle for some scantily-clad air force pilots!

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Er…you can have him Shra. Even washed up he looks too much like a certain ‘other’ Robert we all know and teenyboppers love. Ick.

I did love Pee Wee when I was a kid though. Oh how he made me laugh.


Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Hmmmm, sarabelle. Does he actually play golf now? Because that sounds like a step backwards….

Posted by rbasler | Report as abusive

Ok…let’s see…let’s go clockwise, shall we?

He thinks to put on gloves and carry an umbrella…but forgets his pants and shirt? Someone’s been hitting the crackpipe.

Um…Eww. Maybe if he could pick a girl up in a car instead of that stupid bicycle…Nah. That still wouldn’t change the fact that he’s Pee-Wee Herman…and creepy.

You can forget a romantic getaway…he can’t get through the metal detectors at the airport.

Is that my ex-husband?

Who needs a guy that’s gonna fight with the dog over table scraps?

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

Well a woman has to fullfill her needs in the interim I would gather.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Yeah justK, matter of fact that IS your ex-husband. We cleaned him up pretty good for you. Kinda sorry you let that one get away now, huh?

Posted by rbasler | Report as abusive

[...] Read the original here: Five guys who NEVER get picked in speed dating | Analysis … [...]

Well, until you get on this side of the pond, Mr.Pilot….. ;)
Oh dang, its a fashion show in NY… Quick, can someone ship him to London, I’ll pick him up from there! ;)
Unless you are getting yourself shipped before that, Pilot.. :P

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

So justK, if that is your ex, is that YOUR photo he’s sporting on his sash? Nice!

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

I could go for the dark brooding, machine gun toting one, although he looks like he could do with fattening up a little.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

If that bone is human, I’m sure I don’t want to meet the owner’s vengeful younger brother.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

the guy on the bottom is soooooo cuttee :)

Posted by bookingtonsj | Report as abusive

the guy on the bottom is soooo cute :-)

Posted by bookingtonsj | Report as abusive

I could go for the dark brooding, machine gun toting one… KnitNurse, are you talking about Pee Wee?

Posted by rbasler | Report as abusive

What about a fashion show in NY?

And if anyone is gonna pack me in a box and send me anywhere at least put air holes in it and throw some Pez in there please!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Hey…How did you get pictures of all my groomsmen???

Posted by skyrider117 | Report as abusive

Wow…I said I’d go clockwise and then I didn’t. I guess that makes ME the one hitting the crackpipe, doesn’t it?

The dude with the sword looks like my ex. Really. He does. Give me a break though…I was only 18…and was into guys that looked a little like Satan…or a homeless man…or a homeless Satan…

As for the dude with a naked woman on his jacket…honey, there isn’t enough space on the BACK of his jacket for MY backside…

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

Thanks for including the last photo, it’s of our new pet. We found him wandering the streets a few weeks back, muttering something about having to give up his ‘spot’ for some guy called ‘Leno’. As you can see we have cleaned him up a bit and have been training him to fetch sticks and the occasional bone. We hope to have him fetching the newspaper by the end of the month. He may look fierce, but really he’s a big softie and likes nothing better than having his tummy rubbed while laying on the rug near the fireplace.
But then again, who doesn’t?

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Read all the comments and all I could think was…… Shallow!! I am assuming most of you are single but you all sound like you be a great catch. NOT. Wonder why you are still single? Sarabelle sounds like your marriage will last. Wait till he wakes up. You changed him……. give me a break!!!

Posted by nek866 | Report as abusive

Wow, that’s kinda harsh…. Which one of these five guys is you?

Posted by rbasler | Report as abusive

I don’t understand why some people apparently think these “lists” by Robert Basler are funny. They seem to be little more than a strange way of imposing his fantasies as humor.

Posted by Crystaphir | Report as abusive

Put-down WIN by Bob….

Hey Chrys… You have to have a sense of humor to understand one.

Posted by Db8r | Report as abusive

I like Chrystaphir’s use of inverted commas. Where do you get off Mr B, deciding that a list of things make a “list”?

And if nek866 can assume we’re all single, I think we can assume he/she “has a nice personality”.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

I assume that there will be some tasing going on in the very near future.

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

Billl…tasing would be too nice. Unca should do some sniping.

CrowGirl… hilarious! :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Wait, there’s a problem with my relationship? It’s not normal having someone hooked up to a mind-control machine, while force-feeding him alcohol? I give him breaks, geez! Sometimes I alternate the mind-control/alcohol with hypnosis – I just sit there humming quietly, muttering “Be mine, OR DIIIIEEE!” And then I take his dignity away by dressing him in girl clothes.

RB: He doesn’t actually play golf, and I agree that it would be a step backwards. And he wore a shirt the other day that said, “I have Gas” – not joking even a little bit. I guess the mind-control is slipping. I may have to delve into the realm of experimental mind-control/love science. Ooh, I could maybe take him apart and then put him back together again in a way pleasing only to ME. That’s love right there.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Well, now really… whatever happened to teasing these guys before actually torturing them, tasing them, zapping them, sniping them…..
Let tehm get a few more words in…
Now, what were you saying again there nek866??

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Awww, someone get Unca a fresh dose of meds. Or at least a fresh glass of malt whiskey.

Remember, there are no idiots, just stupid questions, er, statements, or something. Wait, I think I got that backwards. Oh well.

On my way out the door for some new meds and a fresh bone to gnaw on in my cave. Toodle-oo!

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Oh, it’s an umbrella not a machine gun. I’ve gone right off him now.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

I was in #2 suit get up when I met my girl…so theory fails ;-)

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

really fwd? How??? She preferred teh bone-gnawing cave-man?
Oh, Dave stays in a cave… so, he’s a cave man… your girl preferred Dave??
Ouch… my head hurts…
bad headache.. not joking…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

[...] the original: Five guys who NEVER get picked in speed dating | Analysis … Share and [...]

Sarabelle – it’s OK for your man to wear a shirt that says “I have Gas”, as long as he works for Exxon or is a Russian billionaire.
Actually, being a Russian billionaire would also explain the heavy use of alcohol and the wearing of female clothing.
Does he own a collection of automatic weapons, have a large black limo, and a Facebook friend called Vladimir P?

Posted by zeitgeist | Report as abusive

Apparently the absolute four ace winner for a male speed dating attendee is to make sure you are a paediatric heart surgeon with a pilots license. Now you could be a cad and just pretend to be one which is fine as long as you except that either the kids or the passengers screams are going to give the game away at some point.


Posted by Justthoughtyoum | Report as abusive

My favorite T-shirt is olive drab. It says in Russian “Don’t shoot. I know secrets.” I used to wear it under my fatigues during the cold war. I figured I would take off my fatigue jacket if we were ever attacked….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

ZG – Unfortunately, he is neither. I am the one with Russian heritage though, so perhaps being a billionaire is my personal calling. I’ve never tried caviar, but I think I could grow to like attacking belugas with a machete and a small silver spoon. On the way to SeaWorld, I could wave my new collection of large black weapons out the heavily-tinted windows of my large black limo in order to expedite the ticket-taking process. See, I’m already getting into my new calling! Thanks for the idea!

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

@Shra: not that one !

The one in white suit…but would like some S&M though..hehe :D

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

I feel ignorant at times…. despite feeling that I am quite aware of the lingos of different cultures….
its just…. such (sniff sniff)… a terrible feeling…. dont being(sniff sniff)… able.. to understand… (sniff sniff).. what S & M means!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, don’t be so hard on yourself. Considering the physical handicaps you live with – the (sniff sniff) constantly runny nose, the green stuff behind your ears and that out-of-control tic in both eyelids, you’re doing great!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Well, that and the fact that you live somewhat south of the Pole (North Pole, that is) I pretty much agree with Robert, Shra.

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

[...] is the original post: Five guys who NEVER get picked in speed dating | Analysis … Share and [...]

As a male, I have to express my concern over the teasing and tasing habits of Shra.

I can only imagine how many young men express an interest in her latest pair of shoes and wake up chained in a dungeon somewhere….

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

Right….. Bill, M, Basler… you guys have had it now…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Well, I did wake up feeling sort of funny today, so I’ll go ahead and assume it was you Shra, who came and made me have a very unrestful night, last night!

Unfortunately, not one that is even remotely associated with the black lingerie, red stilettos and t-shirt eating habits we’ve been discussing in this post of late, so I’ll assume it was more of a good zapping than anything else!

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

and now… you are going to be zapped again, M….

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Wait we were talking about t-sirts? Oh damn.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

what DID you think we were talking about Mr.Pilot??

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Ohh that’s a baited question Shra.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Well… you are already in the net… so, you might as well take it… so… what did you think we were talking about!?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Would I be stuck in “The Net” with Sandra Bullock or the Keanu Reeves version called “The Matrix”?

Since I do not know Kung Fu nor can I dodge bullets I don’t think it’s the latter. Which works out for Unca when he goes to snipe me.

As far as what we were talking about, I am sure my imagination got the best of me. It tends to do that.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

[...] lists such as Five people I DON’T want to meet and Five guys who NEVER get picked in speed dating also captured a big [...]

“There is no spoon…” Is is possible to block bullets with a spoon? Maybe a titanium one?

Who wants to try!

Posted by Doppelganger | Report as abusive

Who u expecting bullets from Doppelganger?? One of your speed dates?? Call Unca, he can practice his sniping and leave Mr.Pilot alone.. :P

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive