Ten stupid things you shouldn’t do with cameras around

March 10, 2010

A very famous person writes, “Bob, what can we celebrities do to improve our image? Please reduce your advice to 10 simple rules, because we have other stuff to do.”

nose pick bllock this 490

Well, celebs, thanks to my background in damage control and image consulting, I can tell you it doesn’t matter a bit what you do in private, but when there is somebody around with a camera:

nose pick combo 24010. Don’t pick your nose in a tuxedo.

9. Don’t pick your nose on a tennis court.

8. Don’t pick your nose in an orange shirt.

7. Don’t make a barfing zombie face after a presidential campaign debate.

6. Don’t spew half-chewed hotdogs into your hands, and then try to eat them again.

5. Don’t meet the press with your zipper down. That means you, Brad Pitt.

4. Don’t make a childish gloating gesture the day your party takes office.

3. Don’t flip off anybody unless it’s really necessary.

2. This one is very important. Don’t go to second base with a woman, especially if you’re married to a former supermodel. And if you have to do it, don’t grin like it’s your very first time.

nose pick sarkozy 240And lastly, as we saw just this week, if you’re a nominee in a top Oscar category the main thing to remember when there are photographers around is:

1. Don’t publicly grab one of your fellow nominees before the ceremony and slap her around, hold a chloroform-soaked rag over her horrified face and stuff her into the trunk of a waiting limousine. Sandra, Sandra, Sandra…

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Top: Sandra Bullock (L) and Helen Mirren arrive at the Academy Awards in Hollywood, March 7, 2010. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Combo: Italian fashion designer Valentino in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Yves Herman

France’s Gilles Simon picks his nose during a match at the Australian Open tennis tournament, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Petar Kujundzic

The Netherlands’ Crown Prince Willem-Alexander in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jim Bourg

Takeru Kobayashi of Japan attempts to eat regurgitated hot dogs during the 2007 Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in the Coney Island neighborhood of New York, July 4, 2007. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Actor Brad Pitt poses for photographers during a photocall for the film “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” in Paris January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

Incoming White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel gestures prior to the inauguration ceremony of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States, in Washington, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

Pop star Madonna in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Stephen Hird

Bottom, left: French yachtswoman Maud Fontenoy (R) poses with France’s president Nicolas Sarkozy after she was awarded Chevalier of the French order of Merit during a ceremony at the Elysee Palace in Paris, July 12, 2007. REUTERS/Jean-Paul Pelissier

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So while I was working late yesterday (I clocked out at 10.15pm for those of you curious), I had a conversation with one of the lads about hot dogs. How as a kid our family would sit in our family room on Monday nights to watch Hockey Night in Canada and we’d stuff our faces with chips (that’s crisps to us Europeans) and roast hot dogs over the fire in the fireplace on hangers we twisted ourselves. Nothing quite like a roasted hot dog, with the skin black and crispy and split in places from the fat oozing out. Fingers stinging as you wrangle the hot dog off the hanger. Slap that in a fresh bun, top with ketchup, relish, onions and sauerkraut and man oh man our stomachs were happy.

After the hot dogs my dad would get out the cast iron popcorn popper and we’d have hot buttered popcorn fresh from the fire. For dessert we’d roast marshmellows and smoosh them in between graham crackers and chocolate chips not caring that our faces and fingers were sticky with blackened bits of sugary goodness.

Ahhhhh the memories. I think I just found my happy place.

Ahem. All this to say that I was craving hot dogs ever since yesterday when I was talking about them.

And now I’m not.

Thanks Baz.


Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Sandra can chloroform me any time. I’m just sayin’… But maybe I’ve been living in a cave too long.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Oh! I ‘ave pinned ze medale on crooked, I shall adjust eet.
Oops! Ze silly ting is still crooked, I shall reach across and adjust eet again.
Oh No! Eet is not working – I shall just rub my hand back and forth, to see if ze static electricity helps. Oh what a silly I am!

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

The French President was quoted as saying “When I realised that she hadn’t slipped on the step, I felt like such a boob”.

Posted by zeitgeist | Report as abusive

I always go for the “I am picking my nose” shot whenever someone goes to take a pic of me. That way if someone ever goes to take a pic of me and I don’t know about it and I happen to be picking my nose at that moment, it won’t be anything unusual.

There is always a method to the madness.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Yeah, I’ve noticed that about the 42 photos of yourself on Facebook….

Everybody, tomorrow is Pilot’s birthday, but don’t shake his hand….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I am going to France and standing for President. 😀 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Ah, my favourite ever chat up line – “Does this rag smell of chloroform to you ?”

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Sarkozy just wasn’t paying attention and thought her arm was still there, most likely. But anyhow, more guys will be hot for Maud now since “Hey if the President wants her boobs, maybe I should too!”

Nowadays digital cameras can record video and paparazzi can review the video and grab any still that suggests something prurient or lewd. If you see something move and glance over to see what it is, there’s a good chance that your eyes will first light on some part of somebody that you wouldn’t wanna be caught staring at and that’s exactly the split-second frame of video that’ll be posted on the news sites later in the day.

Posted by fwupow | Report as abusive

Happy Birthday, Mr.Pilot!!!!!
As for that handshake…umm…. wash your hands first please… i dont care if you think they are clean… just wash them again!!! 😛

Oh and Sarkozy really needs to find some new tricks… though I must say I havent ever had a thing for the French… though I have seen some really cute French guyies…
Italians on the other hand…. mamma mia!!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I am from India and people dont let anybody come close so bodily , instaed of shaking or kissing we gently fold hands and keep distance. I am sure the anicients knew how to develop distance .

Posted by Ismailtaimur | Report as abusive

naah.. Indians love to hug, specially the “aunties” 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

So Sandra says to Helen “Here comes Sarkozy, let’s go this way. Don’t let him fool you with that Medal Of Honor trick…”

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

Yes, but out of those 42 tell me which ones I didn’t know I was having my picture taken while picking my nose!

Ya can’t right? Ya just think I am being goofy in all of them!

See how my plans works perfectly?

As for picking the wedgie…yeah I had no idea that was caught on film. Can’t plan for everything.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

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