How to spot a Death Panel when it comes for you

March 24, 2010

Blog Guy, now that this healthcare reform stuff has passed, I guess I have the same question as everybody else.

panel combo top 490

It’s about those government Death Panels, the ones that will decide if we live or die. I need to know how to spot them when they come to my door. My plan is to slap on a fake goatee, go into a thick Latvian accent, and walk out right past them.

panel vertical 220Awesome. Sounds like a great plan, and of course cheating death is usually pretty easy.

The bill that passed on Sunday says only that the panels “should instill a speedy and irrational fear into victims, so as to numb them into instant submission.”

From what I’ve seen, television pundits generally agree that the panel members will go for the dramatic impact of a grotesque leather-clad giant black insect, although a few experts think we’ll see a human skull in a pink shroud. Here are examples of both.

That’s very helpful, but are there other possibilities?

Absolutely. Some think they’ll be patterned after nightmarishly hideous panels from other countries, like these sword dancers from Spain, or shudder – some of those Irish Riverdance folks.

Riverdance? I couldn’t take that. A quick, merciful death would be far preferable.

So Blog Guy, what do you personally think, as a Washington insider with impeccable contacts?

I will be brutally frank. After reading the legal language over and over and speaking with senior government sources, I fear we will look through the peephole in our front door and we will see…

Well, I can’t even begin to describe it, so I’ll just use the photo below. Heaven help us all.

panel single 590

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Top left: Villagers perform during the traditional Dance of the Swords in Obejo, near Cordoba, in southern Spain, March 21, 2010. REUTERS/Javier Barbancho

Top right: Dancers perform parts of the “Riverdance” during a rehearsal at Radio City Music Hall in New York, March 16, 2010. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton

Middle: A model presents a creation by designer Tamas Kiraly during a fashion show in Budapest, March 17, 2010. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

Middle: A statue of “Saint Death” is seen in Mexico City March 19, 2010. REUTERS/Eliana Aponte

Bottom: Country singer Reba McEntire and film producer Jerry Weintraub arrive for the Muhammad Ali Celebrity Fight Night awards banquet in Phoenix, March 20, 2010. REUTERS/Joshua Lott

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Hey I liked Riverdance!! The legs on those chicks… wow. :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

ifly, I’m in Dublin now, there’s definately something going on with irish legs. It’s not just riverdance.

Posted by dazedconfused | Report as abusive

@Ifly: And I love insect-looking babes :D

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

not the irish chick i was with…

Posted by dazedconfused | Report as abusive

I know a lot of people who consider country music a form of torture… maybe that bottom picture is a lot closer than you’d think.

Posted by LMR | Report as abusive

Nice one. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up for a special guest appearance by our old friend, LMR!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

really? Irish chicks got hot legs? Oh man that sucks I am missing out!!!

what part of Riverdance were the babes looking like insects? I am sorry, my memory basically sticks with the babes in the little black dresses hopping up and down with legs that I know could crush me but look so so good! :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Give up what? I’m out of stuff to give, sorry.

Welcome back LMR, staying long?

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

I like riverdance too… well, at least would like to try it once…
LMR, welcome back girl! RCB, got in mug pics for the lady here? :P

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

dazedconfused, you were hanging out in Temple Bar weren’t ya? Lotta legs goin’ on there :P

As for Riverdance…it’s been 10 years and I haven’t seen it once. And I don’t plan to either!! Americans apologise for their politicians, Canadians apologise for Celine Dion and Irish…well I guess we should apologise for Riverdance.



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Dave, don’t worry, it’s not your daily dosage that Robert is referring to. Wanna share medidoughnuts?

LMR, welcome back. Good to hear of you again. Robert been nice to you this time around?

And, Robert, if ever I look through my peephole and see these two faces coming at me, and hear something remotely resembling country music, the death panels’ work will be easy: I’ll drop dead on the spot!! Even without the country music…

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

Ok so how about getting rid of Riverdance and just keeping the babes with the nice legs? Can the Irish do that? :)

Been a while LMR, how ya doin these days?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I’ll just have another doughnut … … excuse me while I get that.

Eeeeek! It’s LMR! E! Shra! ifly! M! DND! unca! DnD! fwd79! dazed! BlogGuy!

Please, have mercy on my witless soul!

P.S. That last pic belongs in the Goofy Face museum if it’s not already there.

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

@Ifly: I merely tried to relate the crunchy insect model with your riverdance picture.. Ah never mind..

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

You know… I dont know why you would say such thiings about Riverdancing? Its so upbeat!! No?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Ahhhh fwd I gotcha now. Sorry once my mind gets on a certain track is tends to stay there and refuses to accept any other input.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

You must have mistaken this for the Front Row Washington blog. Go back to the hall and take the second door to your left. If you pass Felix Salmon you have gone too far.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Awww shucks guys, thanks for the warm welcome. I’m hoping to stay a bit longer this time. Don’t you just hate it when life gets in the way of the important things?

Posted by LMR | Report as abusive

Snifffffff! I think I’m going to cry…. Nope, false alarm…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

It’s ok Mr. B., the end of “Old Yeller” was pretty sad, we won’t hold it against you if you shed a tear or two.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I know I know…. there could be a time when I completely disappear from the blog…. would I still be welcomed as warmly? :)
A girl can be hopeful, cant she?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, you’ll always be warmly welcome!

Especially if you bring along that zapper and show the likes of averageameri what it can do…

But, before you do, let me save my work… Last time around I lost a few pages from a report I was working on!

Posted by justM | Report as abusive