News, but not the serious kind
The little bear who was too cute to be real
Okay zoo staffers, I’m sick to death of all the other zoos in the world getting famous from really adorable animal babies. Polar bears and elephants and such-like. And don’t even get me STARTED on the pandas!
All we ever come up with are butt-ugly animals who make the school children cry and run away in horror.
Since we can’t grow our own cuddly cub to cash in on, we’ve done it the old-fashioned way. We made a phony one.
Staff, meet Bobby the Bear! Come on in, Bobby.
Have you ever SEEN anything that cute? The Disney folks custom-made it for a short person – are we still allowed to say short person? Then they form-fitted it on him and micro-stitched it so there are no zippers or seams.
Anyhow, he’s our gold mine. Bobby, stand up and take a bow! Look coy, Bobby!
Now bend slightly, smile, and wave to the press.
See, the media is eating it up. I’m telling you, Bobby is gonna blow those pandas right out of the water.
Every kid who comes here is going to stamp their feet and scream until they get a $49.99 life-size Bobby Bear to take home.
Roll over, Bobby! Eat some of our expensive concession stand crapola so the kids will want it, too!
Huh? What’s that, Bobby? How do you go to the bathroom in an outfit with no zippers?
Um, Lamar, see if you can get me that Disney phone number. Hurry, Lamar!
A three-month old bear cub plays during a media session outside its cage at the zoo in Russia’s southern city of Stavropol, April 21, 2010. The cub does not have a name yet. REUTERS/Eduard Korniyenko