Out on a limb with Lindsay Lohan?
Why me, Lord, why ME?
Okay, film production staff, as you know, we signed Lindsay Lohan to a huge three-movie deal and we’re about to begin production. Then, yesterday, a judge ruled that she has to wear this big black butt-ugly alcohol monitoring device on her ankle, 24/7, to make sure she doesn’t drink any booze. It NEVER comes off.
So Lamar, hand me those three scripts she’s supposed to start shooting next week. I’m hoping this bracelet device won’t interfere with the story-lines.
Let’s see what we’ve got here. A summer beach romance called “Barefoot in the Sand.” Sigh. A movie where Lindsay plays a ballerina. Groan. And this third thing, “Emma, the Girl with the Really Shapely Ankles.” Crap, this just gets better and better!
Lamar, call in the writers to do some fast rewrites so we have stories to incorporate the ankle bracelet.
We’ll need a movie where Lindsay is a prisoner in a Southern chain gang, and a Viking boat story where she’s a galley slave always chained to the oars.
I guess for the third one she could be a policewoman all bundled up in heavy boots in remote northern Sweden in the wintertime, where there’s nothing to do but solve crimes and – oh crap – drink booze.
This is a fricking disaster. I’ve gotta take my mind off of it.
I’m going to the screening room to see the final edited version of our new $100 million high-stakes blockbuster, “The Unfair Persecution of Clean-Cut Bicycle Hero Floyd Landis.”
Top: Lindsay Lohan speaks with attorney in the courtroom during a probation status hearing in Beverly Hills, May 24, 2010. A judge on Monday ordered Lohan to undergo random weekly drug and alcohol testing and wear an alcohol monitoring device, brushing aside objections that they would hinder an upcoming film project. REUTERS/Jae C. Hong/Pool
Left: Lohan in a 2009 file photo. REUTERS/Danny Moloshok
Right: Website for an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet.