They found my secret apartment complex!
Back in March, I wrote “Five annoying things about the Census.” It’s one of my most popular posts for the year so far. Apparently others share my annoyance.
One of my complaints was that they sent THREE forms, in THREE envelopes, marked Apartment 1, 2 and 3, to my single-family residence. Neighbors tell me there may have been apartments here long ago, but shouldn’t that have been sorted out by now? I wondered if I would be in trouble if I only returned one of the forms.
I filled out one form, answered it honestly, and mailed it back to my government.
This week I went out to dinner, and when I returned I found two things called “NOTICE OF VISIT” stuck in my door from a Census employee who, sure enough, seems to be stalking residents of the non-existent apartments number two and three.
She left them despite the fact that there is nothing on my door to remotely suggest multiple apartments.
I have to wonder what Census Lady’s plan was, since obviously I can’t prove I’m just the good citizen in Apartment 1.
I suspect she was going to zap me with a Taser, handcuff me to the radiator and scramble from floor to floor, looking frantically for the extra people I’m obviously hiding here in my secret giant apartment complex.
Failing to find them, she no doubt would have zapped me again on the way out and said something in a heavy Eastern European accent, like “Ve haff vays of making you talk!”
Indeed, each of the notices she left said, “I’ll stop back in the next day or two.”
You just do that, Census Lady. This time, me and all the other tenants will be ready for you.
U.S. Census Bureau Director Robert M. Groves gets a ride in a dogsled from the Noorvik airstrip into the remote Inupiat Eskimo village in Northwestern Alaska in this January 25, 2010 handout. REUTERS/Al Grillo/U.S. Census Bureau/