This just about clinches it, I’m in hell…

June 22, 2010

SOCCER-WORLD/

Hey Blog Guy, let’s play a game. What’s the very, very worst thing you can imagine doing right now?

Um, I’d have to say, watching that World Cup thing. You know, in person.

Sure, I think most people feel that way, but surely you can be more specific. Say you WERE at the World Cup right now, couldn’t it get worse somehow?

accordion crop 240Yeah, I guess so. I could be there and see my wife with Lamar, my assistant.

That’s a good start. But surely there’s something much worse than that.

Of course. Let’s say I’m really hungry and thirsty, but all they have are bags of unsalted brussels sprouts and pint bottles of Crème de Menthe.

Ewww! Now you’ve got the hang of it. So. You’re at the World Cup, you see your wife with Lamar, you’re trying to gag down brussels sprouts and green booze, and what else could happen that would make it just a one-way trip to hell?

Hmmmm. I suppose the guy right behind me could pull out an accordion and start playing “Beer Barrel Polka.” But what are the chances of that?

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A Portuguese fan claps while another plays the accordion during the training session of their national soccer team in Magaliesburg June 16, 2010. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Could be worse. The accordian player could be Barry Manilow, and he could start singing….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I had to ask… what exactly is your problem with accordions and bagpipes?
The reason I ask is that I like bagpipes and there are quite a few musicians playing the accordion on street corners here…
I think I can bear them alright…. :D

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

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Very good, Doc, I see you’ve had some experience with hell.

Shra, that’s a fair question. My younger sister was dragged off in the middle of the night by accordion players and bagpipers and we never saw her again. Is that reason enough?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I don’t mind the air-accordian, unless it’s played by mimes.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Ummm…. Ok… I think that should be a good reason…
But how do you know they were bagpipers and accordion players? Were they playing when they took her away? What were you doing then? Were you mesmerised by teh music?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Yes, the accordion guys were playing Beer Barrel Polka and the bagpipers were playing Amazing Grace. In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been hard to track them, but police forensics were more rustic back then.

I couldn’t go after them because they left two ukulele players to guard me.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I see… But I still dont understand why they targetted you and your sister? Maybe your sister had special powers that would bring prosperity to these two groups? Have you thought along those lines?
And those ukulele players musta been pretty talented if they succedded in guarding you…. and then escaping without facing the police…
I could write a story, you know…. “The Bagpipes, the Accordion and Basler’s sister”…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

The accordian is a device of evil, and those who torture the rest of us by playing them are in league with the forces of darkness.

Posted by zeitgeist | Report as abusive

I’m on vacation this week. Tonight for supper is Szechuan spicy pork, Szechuan spicy shrimp, stirred fried pork with a classic stir-fry sauce, and sweet and sour shrimp. All the veggies are from the garden (red, yellow, purple, and orange carrots, pea pods, broccoli, baby ears of corn, red pepper).

I have my Father’s Day present, the powerwasher I told you all about before, all gassed up and ready to go. Felix and Oscar want to help. They seem pretty excited. I think it will be lots of fun. I am soooo lucky to have such wonderful dogs.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Wait, I hear the World Cup Orchestra warming up for ‘Concerto for Vuvuzela and Kazoo in A#’

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

FREE TO GOOD (OR OTHERWISE) HOME: 2 adult male German Shepherds. Respond to both English and German commands. Do not respond to profanity, even very creative profanity. Very intelligent. Very playful. Will help you with your exercise regimen. Like to play on the computer. Very enthusiastic about water sports. Love showers and baths. Will educate you about the abilities of German Shepherds. Can be sarcastic, sadistic bastards, but that is part of their charm.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Not at the World Cup, it doesn’t.

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

Yeah I know, I had a lot of questions about “Lost” also, but I think I figured it all out. You see, when they crashed on the island…

Bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BBbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz

…and then Locke had to fight the Smoke Monster…

bbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

…but Jin wasn’t really dead…

bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

…when the flashes started happening and Charlotte got the nosebleed….

bbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz

…and that should pretty much sum everything up. See, wasn’t such a mystery at all was it? My, it is a nice day to be watching the World Cup!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

How’re the purple carrots Doc ? I’m growing some, but they won’t be ready for ages yet. Are they as pretty as the picture on the seed packet that suckered me into buying them ?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

The dogs got you with the power washer, didn’t they, doc?

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

The purple ones are “Cosmic Purple.” They are pretty, very pretty. But, to be honest, I like the orange ones, Danvers, the best. Different colored carrots are quite fashionable right now. Like you, CG, I succumbed to fashion. Boy, is my face red! Just like my Valery Carrots.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

“Cosmic Purple” certainly doesn’t sound like a variety of carrot! :-)

Posted by Jibberish | Report as abusive

I like my carrots orange…. hmmm…. Doc, maybe I could try Chinese Stir Fry noodles…hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Seriously? Different colored carrots? Surely you jest!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Mr.Pilot, I must say, you are talking in very proper English. I commend you on that, sir!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

We are going to the farm today and then to the Lake! ROWROWROWROOOOOOOFFFF, er, YAY! We love running through the fields and woods. We love riding in the boat with the wind in our fur. Quit yer screwin’ around, Dok and Missus Dok, and let’s goooooooo!

PS Don’t forget our doggie treats, Dok, like last time.

PPS Dok, you want to murder the squirrels. Yes, you do. A good dog owner murders the squirrels. Yes, he does. We must exterminate the squirrels. Yes, we must. Repeat, Dok.

Felix and Oscar

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Felix and Oscars typing and spelling skills have vastly improved!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Doc, mine are “Purple Haze”, purple on the outside and orange in the middle. But I have spuds that are purple all the way through, which makes me very happy. As a spud enthusiast.

Was the squirrel killing at the lake as fun as it sounds ?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Wow Doc, you do not jest. Hmm..and to think all this time I have been restricting myself to plain ol’ orange carrots! Oh what a deprived life I lead!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Fortuantely, we have cable at the Lake. No squirrel killing at the farm or here. While we see squirrels all the time at home, where you can’t shoot them, in the country, you won’t see one unless you sit very still and move only your eyes. Felix and Oscar are not that patient.

Well, they’re not patient at all. In fact, they want to go back out on the boat, or is that me? It’s not our boat. We don’t own one, but we have friends who do. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. True for Paris Hilton. True for boats.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

CG, I grow my own spuds, too. Red Pontiacs and Yukon Golds. Pontiacs for new potatoes, Yukon Golds for keepers. I have grown blue fingerlings, but they did not impress my family. As just about any European will proclaim, American potatoes are crap (a euphemism). Growing carrots and potatoes in raised beds gives one a much earlier crop, since the soil dries and warms much more quickly.

I never really left the farm, did I? Never underestimate the fun you can have playing in the dirt. No, not you Felix, nor you Thunder. You two do not play in the dirt!

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I lke orange carrots and have been living a depraved life… Hmmm. A healthy basil plant indoors my bit of garden contributing leaves to my meals. The names of the purple carrots sound like sprinkle additives to me. I’ll stick with a glass of wine and a carrot stick.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Ok Doc, where do you stay? I am coming to meet ya…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

OK, i will try purple carrots, but Brussels sprouts are just aborted cabbages……EWWWWWWWW

Posted by ooddballz | Report as abusive

Ummm….. aborted cabbages, Odd? Really? You had to say that???

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Aborted cabbages…ha ha ha! :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

The Lake is in Northeastern Indiana, farm in Defiance County, Ohio, where I was born and raised.

We didn’t go back out on the boat last night. Really bad storms here. Really bad. Tornados in Southern Michigan. Damaging winds! Tree branches fell like rain. Oh, the carnage! Lightning strikes. Hail! It was TERRIBLE! JUST TERRIBLE!

So, how was your night?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Darn doc… you are on the other side of the pond too… :(:(

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

That’s a bit harsh of the Europeans Doc, Yukon Gold are okay. But I’m a big fan of a high dry matter content in my potatoes. Which I’m growing in a stack of car tyres this year – it isn’t the classiest look in the world, but it’s pretty damn productive.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

CG, yes, I like drier potatoes, too. My favorite is the Russet Burbank. But my son prefers his fried potatoes and French fries (AKA chips) made from Yukon Golds, which are expensive hereabouts.

Europeans aren’t harsh about American potatoes, which are indeed quite mediocre. Potatoes are often sunburnt and stored until the proverbial eagle screams. There simply is very little effort in the US to get early new potatoes, as in England where new potatoes are a big money crop.

I know my spuds. when I was growing up, we often gerw potatoes on my Dad’s farm (now my farm), which is on a sandy ridge of what was 10,000 years ago the shore of a predessor to Lake Erie and was once also the extreme edge of The Great Black Swamp. It is perfect potato ground.

We grew Superiors, a potato bred by the University of Wisconsin, I believe. (Bob?) It’s not grown for taste or texture, but for its long shelf life and how well it can be grown in mass in fields.

On the other hand, my mother’s farm lies in Henry County, which was once in the very heart of the Great Black Swamp. Not good potato ground. We now grow corn, soybeans, and wheat on both farms. No potatoes, because as any potato farmer in this country will tell you, people in this country don’t want to pay much for potatoes.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Black _Swamp

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I want to be on a farm right now… who’s inviting?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Hmmm. Dude ranches used to be popular. Dude farm? Come on over, Shra! Don’t forget your clodhopper shoes and your baseball “feedcap.”

And, today, we’ll discuss strawberries. Who wants to open? But, please no raspberries, anyone. Bob doesn’t want us to have a rhubarb.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

But you live on the other side of the pond, dont ya, Doc? :(

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

On the other side of the Lake, yea, Shra. We’ll just bring the boat over to pick you up! (I live in my own small world here.)

I went out picking wild strawberries and wild (black) raspberries this morning. None made it to the cottage. We have those at home, too, but for some reason they taste better here.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Doc, a) jealous on the potato growing soil.
b) tell me of the proverb with the screaming eagle ?
c) first lot of them just ripening at the moment – Oxford Favourite. Small and not massively productive, but the flavour is worth going to war over.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

I’ve never tried Oxford. That kind of seed potato is not available hereabouts.

“Hold it until the eagle screams” comes from the US Army 101st Airborne Division, which wears the “Screaming Eagle” patch. The saying comes from airborne and air assault soldiers holding their ground in combat and not falling back. Not all US air assault soldiers wear the screaming eagle. The 82nd Airborne Division does not wear the eagle, nor did the First Aviation Brigade, which had air assault units known at various times as “Airborne Cavalry/Air Assault/Air Mobile.”

http://company-c–2nd-bn–506th-inf.com/Im ages/244px-US_101st_Airborne_Division_pa tch_svg.png

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I was remiss in failing to note that the First Aviation Brigade is known as “The Golden Hawks.”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

What on EARTH does that have to do with accordions?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Maybe accordion music did the good doc in….

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Nothing to do with accordions, Bob; lots to do with hell.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Do you think hell is custom tailored to each indivdual damned soul to maximize the hellish experience? I mean think about it, someone who was really bad is made to wake up every single morning and check in with the OE blog each and every hour. On the hour. For eternity.

Without medidoughnuts.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

You forgot commenting on each and every single blog… and actually donning the fashion showed…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Positively frightening Shra.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive