Guess where this toe tag’s been, Baby?
Hey Blog Guy, you used to write about signs of the coming Apocalypse. You haven’t mentioned any lately, so I guess we’re safe now?
No way. The signs have just gotten harder to spot, so you need my help more than ever.
For instance, recently a grisly collection of tools used to prepare Elvis Presley’s dead body was supposed to go up for auction in Chicago, expected to fetch $14,000.
What is your point, Blog Guy?
The only reason to spend $14,000 for junk that touched Dead Elvis is to make it easier to pick up chicks.
That tells me for sure that Elvis Death Bars are thriving, where a guy can get lucky by conspicuously waving an item dangling from his neck and saying, “Hey, Baby, this was on The King’s toe!”
But wait! You said that stuff was “supposed” to be sold. If it didn’t sell, surely that means people were outraged and disgusted, and mankind may still have a chance!
Nope, it means the retired embalmer who was selling them gave them back to the funeral home, and that it reportedly wasn’t possible to verify their authenticity for certain.
Oh. Well, at least the Elvis Death Bar subculture values authenticity. That’s something, huh?
Please. Stop looking for happy news, Ace. Just go home and write APOCALYPSE SOON on your calendar.
Top: Elvis Presley giant PEZ candy dispensers are displayed at the official Viva ELVIS store at the Aria hotel-casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, December 15, 2009. REUTERS/Las Vegas Sun/Steve Marcus
Right: Some of the tools in question, courtesy of Leslie Hindman Auctioneers.