Guess where this toe tag’s been, Baby?

July 27, 2010

USA/VIVA ELVIS

Hey Blog Guy, you used to write about signs of the coming Apocalypse. You haven’t mentioned any lately, so I guess we’re safe now?

No way. The signs have just gotten harder to spot, so you need my help more than ever.

For instance, recently a grisly collection of tools used to prepare Elvis Presley’s dead body was supposed to go up for auction in Chicago, expected to fetch $14,000.

What is your point, Blog Guy?

elvis tools this 300The only reason to spend $14,000 for junk that touched Dead Elvis is to make it easier to pick up chicks.

That tells me for sure that Elvis Death Bars are thriving, where a guy can get lucky by conspicuously waving an item dangling from his neck and saying, “Hey, Baby, this was on The King’s toe!”

But wait! You said that stuff was “supposed” to be sold. If it didn’t sell, surely that means people were outraged and disgusted, and mankind may still have a chance!

Nope, it means the retired embalmer who was selling them gave them back to the funeral home, and that it reportedly wasn’t possible to verify their authenticity for certain.

Oh. Well, at least the Elvis Death Bar subculture values authenticity. That’s something, huh?

Please. Stop looking for happy news, Ace. Just go home and write APOCALYPSE SOON on your calendar.

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Top: Elvis Presley giant PEZ candy dispensers are displayed at the official Viva ELVIS store at the Aria hotel-casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, December 15, 2009. REUTERS/Las Vegas Sun/Steve Marcus

Right: Some of the tools in question, courtesy of Leslie Hindman Auctioneers.

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40 comments

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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by robert basler and Oddly Enough, eBusiness BPO Inc.. eBusiness BPO Inc. said: Guess where this toe tag’s been, Baby? http://bit.ly/cVvTDo [...]

This is why I’ve told my wife that I am not to be embalmed. She is to take me to a taxidermist and then put me at home in my favorite recliner, with eyes that look at people no matter whre they are in the room.

I just hope she dusts me off from time to time.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Death relics for Elvis. This is further proof that Elvis and Jesus Christ are the Kings of Kings. See here:

http://home.tiac.net/~cri/1997/elvis.htm l

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Nice one Doc. I wonder if signs of the apocalypse include not having chicken for dinner? At least it wasn’t goat, but the beef was mighty chewy.

And for dessert? Tim Horton donut, of course, but no meds.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

At least there is no worry then of you turning into a zombie Doc. Would be a shame to have to unload a clip of .50 cals at ya.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Quick question there, Doc. Is your wife supposed to wait until you die to do this?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Yes, Bob. But I’m concerned, ever since she signed up to take a “Basic Home Kitchen Taxidermy” course and bought a goalie face mask.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Doc, is she stockpiling sawdust ? Is there a research document on your sideboard entitled “Bleaching and Preserving Skulls” ? Which I must move out of Knit_Nurse’s room whilst she’s away…

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Nice, Doc, nice. Can we have your doughnuts?

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

CG, I found this list on the wash stand. Should I be concerned?

•Bleach
•Water
•Large pot
•Power hose
•Wire brush
•30 to 40 percent volume powdered peroxide
•Stir sticks
•Black plastic trash bag
•1-inch stiff paintbrush
•Old newspaper
•Old towel
•Saw dust
•Hostess Twinkie

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Only with the Twinkie cause those things are so bad for you!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Doc, good news. Except for the missing turkey, this has been Christmas dinner at my mother-in-law’s for years. She’s still hanging on and we’re still making do.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

The Elvis Death Bar: chocolate covered peanut butter and banana…

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

I wonder how much would Doc’s things on the wash stand fetch in the auction. If it crosses $14,000, Apocalypse would already be here.

Posted by Insane | Report as abusive

I would have thought peroxide is harmful…. but then, you will be dead anyways… I hope…
Try “medium training” Doc… the art to communicate from the “other side”…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Ummm….. Could somebody explain the point of a candy dispenser??

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, as I am still trying to communicate my thoughts from this side, should I be taking “low training?”

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Cannibal candy, Shra. Little shrunken heads on a stick.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Talk about being a “die” hard fan… :-|

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Shra are you not familiar with Pez??

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Other signs of the impending apocolypse may include:
Kraft Dinner
Paris Hilton’s acting in House Of Wax
Sarah Palin even thinking about running for President
Barrack Obama having access to an ‘Internet Kill’ switch
The Tata Nano
Steve Jobs admitting he was wrong about the problems with the iPhone 4

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

I am afraid not, Mr.Pilot.. :(
Nosmo…. why is the Tata Nano a sign of the apocalypse?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, google “Pez” immediately! It’s only the best candy ever!

Nosmo, come on you have to give Paris Hilton some credit. She portrayed a dead person rather well, what with not talking and moving and all that. And since she is used to spending a lot of time on her back lying there just came naturally to her!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

[...] Guess where this toe tag's been, Baby? | Analysis & Opinion | [...]

I believe that Mr Presley’s autopsy report includes the phrase “approximately 20 pounds of an impacted clay-like substance”…

Doc, nah, that’s fine, it sounds like she’s planning to colour her hair. Although I don’t know exactly what a wash stand is, so I deny all responsibility if I’m wrong.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

We stopped using toe tags because they had a habit of falling off.

Bleaching and Preserving Skulls is fascinating bedtime reading.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

Worry as you will Unca, I still must insiste Pez is the best candy ever. Just something about that artificially flavored chalk taste that excites my taste buds.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Chalk taste, you said? I have tasted chalk… didnt like it… (very worried look)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

You tasted actual chalk Shra? ….. why?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Man, I can’t believe I get paid to moderate conversations like this. I guess I have just about the bestest job in the whole world!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

The toes not the toe tags, Spin.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

Knit, all due respect, weren’t you a nurse for the LIVING? Wouldn’t something have to have gone horribly gone during your workday for you to be dealing with cadavers?

Have you thought of switching to forestry? And I mean that in a nice way.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Ah, come on, surely we’ve all tasted chalk? PEZ is very popular in France, for some reason. We don’t get them much over here. They make me think of miniature building blocks. But less tasty.

Knit_Nurse – surely you had them post identification? Would permanent marker not have been more effective?!

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Spin, there’s a possibility that it might have been a case of mortician’s humour, but that’s the reason they gave us for alternative methods of identification. Some elderly people have really manky toes.

BG, I get in far less bother for killing trees.

CG, effective but not popular with the relatives.

Unca, no ours came in a box labelled Rose Cottage.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

I tasted chalk when I was a kid… another classmate was caught eating chalk and the teacher reprimanded him and took him to the school dispensary… I, being a very good student and Miss Prim n’ Propah (I was soooo not!), was left in charge of the class… and when no one was looking… went up to the board and sneaked a piece into my skirt pocket… and tasted it during break time… it was sooo yuck that I actually asked my sick classmate how he could eat it… he kept looking at me as if I was an alien….
Least to say, I didnt keep in touch….

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Spin – I used the word “furtling” to a man from Hong Kong today. He asked me what it meant, and I said “It’s like bodging, but more faffy”. Then we looked at each other in puzzled silence for a while…

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Crow, Crow, Crow… I know you speak English as a second language, but….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

That was just blimey, Crow! Say, did you tell him about the other thingamahjigs as well?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

CrowGirl, you never cease to amaze me. Three great new words, and yet I don’t feel the usual pain that comes with learning something. Shra, don’t touch her.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Nah, I wont… coz I am too darn curious to know what “faffy” means!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Ok… I looked all those words up in Urban Dictionary…. and I wondered WHY did you talk about “furtling” to a guy from HongKong…..

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra – for urban dictionary look up furtle, faff and bodge – the first definition of each is fine. The derivatives are deeply wrong.

Mr B – Really?! Aw, thanks. :)

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

[...] this Apocalypse thing you keep writing about. A few days ago it was people trying to auction off embalming tools used on Elvis Presley. What next? Can the signs get any worse than [...]