Then when I was six, we went to a zoo…

August 10, 2010


Blog Guy, I’m starting to get scared about this Apocalypse thing you keep writing about. A few days ago it was people trying to auction off embalming tools used on Elvis Presley. What next? Can the signs get any worse than that?

USA/Indeed they can, and they have.

Oh my God! There’s another sign? What have you seen now? Don’t sugar-coat it!

I just saw this: “Teen heartthrob Justin Bieber to write memoir.”

It IS odd that a 16-year-old kid is publishing a memoir, but how is that a sign of the Apocalypse?

The book comes out in October.


It’s already August. A really well-written, accurate, introspective memoir takes at least four months, not two months like this one.

Trust me, if anyone pays for a “memoir” of a 16-year-old boy’s life, it will be the end of civilization as we know it.

I guess you’re right. Speaking of the Apocalypse, I’ve noticed your readers sometimes cite the writings of Nostradamus, the 16th century prophet who predicted the future with amazing accuracy, but you never quote him yourself. Why don’t you invoke his prophecies here more often?

nostradamus 220I can’t. I have my reasons. Let’s leave it at that.

No! As a longtime reader, I demand to know what’s going on!

You’ll be very sorry.

Do you want me to go to your boss, Blog Guy?

No, don’t do that. Okay, my blog is….

Uh-oh! No, wait! Don’t say it! Please!

…a non-prophet organization….

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Top: Canadian singer Justin Bieber performs on NBC’s ‘Today’ show in New York, June 4, 2010.

Left: Bieber performs on ‘Today’ show.

Right: Portrait of Nostradamus

REUTERS photos by Brendan McDermid

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Loved the line, BG:)

Not to worry, the memoir of a 16 year old boy will be bought by 13 year old girls (or their moms for them). Whatever happened to the summer reading lists for kids that had classics and new award winning books????

The rest of us will be too busy reading the blog to bother with it!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Bench!! I havent seen you in a long time, my bummy bum bum’s dear dear friend!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Dear Blog Guy, have you heard about Justin Bieber’s latest hit? I heard he was decked by a thrown water bottle. (True.)

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Awww if Justin Bieber waits a few more years he can add a chapter on how be makes it through the awkward phase of life and blossems into a lovely young woman!


I mean ::cough cough:: that’s some fine blogging you have there. Carry on then. Right-o.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Does anyone else think this kid looks suspiciously female? I think instead of a memoir, he ought to host a reality show entitled, “Puberty & Me: A Story of Hair in Funny Places, and How My Changing Voice Will Lose Me My Contracts, Leaving Me Broke Forever.”
He should save the memoir for later…when he needs to support his future drug habit.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Sarabelle, I believe the thinking is that he needs to sell the memoir now, before he’s a forgotten nobody next year. Every dog has its day, they say. I’m glad I didn’t have mine at age 8 going on 16.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Just wait for his next hit single: “My Voice Cracked, Now I Smoke Crack”.
On sale right next to the poster-sized prints of Li-Lo’s jail pics.

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

I agree Doc! But has anyone else heard the latest rumor that there is a Bieber Movie being written? My Goddaughter will Flip and I will wear my earplugs thin for sure.

Still loving the Blog RB!

Posted by PetPunkRock | Report as abusive

He’s legal? Shame he’s not hotter. Looks about 12.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Thanks, PetPunk. Keep coming back.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

First Bieber ruins one of my favourite shows by guest starring in it, now s/he shows up on my favourite blog. This has gotta stop!

Baz…I bet you know what I’m thinking.



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

If I knew what you were thinking, E., it would be the first time….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Baz, I’m disappointed. I thought for sure you’d know that I’m thinking you’ll have to make this up to me with some eye candy…like…helicopters…or good looking fellas smiling while wearing…nearly nothing.

But helicopters would be my first choice. (And no, tanks don’t quite measure up).



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

How can a “16″ year old be “introspective?” Just think of the poor ghost writer who had to interview this boy to write the “memoir.”

GW: So, tell me about some of your thoughts. What do you think about?

JB: I think I have great hair.

GW: There is a lot of talk that young teenagers are attracted to you because of your hair. How do you feel about that?

JB: I feel my hair looks great when I shake it out of my eyes. Like this. See how white my teeth are?

GH: So, what other things do you think about?

JB: Well, I just mentioned my teeth. See how white they are?

GW: How do you feel about Obama? What are your thoughts about him?

JB: I’m not familiar with his music.

GW: Okay. [chugs half a bottle of Malox]

JB’s Agent: Excusse me. I think what JB means is that he is thrilled with America’s choice of a young president who is a champion of minorities and the disenfranchised. JB is proud to be a member of the generation who has spoken and elected President Obama.

GW: Okay. Let’s take a short brake.


GW: Okey dokey. A fewer mere queshtuns. Uh,

JB’s Agent: Excuse me, are you feeling okay?

GW: [Deep exhale] Fine. Just took 5 Valium with haf a boddle of Scootch. Fine. Jus fine.

JB’s Agent: I would have thought that would kill a person!

GW: So’d I.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Lol! Like that one, Doc!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Spin, you’re assuming that Bieber has ever been played or heard or seen in my house even accidentally. But no, luckily I’ve never inflicted that torture on my poor cat. Even though my cat is deaf, I’m sure the very sight of Bieber would tip him over the edge and into the maelstrom of insanity.



Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

Look E., we’re not being fair. Somebody has to listen to the kid, in case he’s fantastic. I nominate CrowGirl, if Shra hasn’t zapped her yet.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

“One Less Lonely Girl”… a song written by Justin Bieber, about Justin Bieber.

@Doc.. funny funny funny! :)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Phew, dodged a bullet there! Poor CrowGirl though…

Posted by PetPunkRock | Report as abusive

CG is off the hook.

On a break this afternoon, I spent a week listening to a couple of Justin Bieber songs. Some of the lyrics from “Baby” — the most vapid word in the English language — are emblematic of the lyrics and vocals: “My first love broke my heart for the first time/And I was like/Baby, baby, baby, ooooh/I thought you’d always be mine.”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Why me?! Huh. I’ll keep an ear out, and if they play him on the radio I’ll take notes. The things I do for you lot.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

@PetPunkRock, don’t get too relaxed. You might have dodged the bullet this time but Mr. B. will get ya when you least expect it. Why do you think we are all sedated with medi-doughnuts? It’s to help ease the pain.

@Spin, which is worse, to know the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song or a Justin Bieber song? Being that Doc seems to know Justin Bieber I am hoping that let’s me off the hook for knowing Taylor Swift!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Good job, Doc… we all appreciate your sacrifice..
A minute of silence, everyone, please…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I have googled the lyrcis to Master Bieber’s hit song “One Time”. Leaving aside the appalling grammatical errors and the excessive use of my least favourite contraction (“I’ma” for “I am going to”), I must admit to a level of admiration for the sheer arrogance of “Many have called but the chosen is you”.

I’m a bit confused though, by
“She makes me happy
I know where I’ll be
Right by your side
‘Cause she is the one”
Who what now ?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Don’t judge him too harshly, Crow. I believe he’s Canadian. He might have actually become something had it not been for a steady diet of poutine and bumbleberry….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I tried counting the number of tiems he says “baby” in “Baby.” I lost count at 55. I kid you not. And the metaphors are fresh, not trite at all: his heart “skips a beat.” I mean, like, wow, like that’s so, totally, like, Baby, wow. Image that sung to an upbeat rythm and blues (like, totally, like Disco) beat.

Try to remember me the way I used to be.

Now, I only have one thought: The tragedy of life is not that one dies or grows old or even grows mean and withered with age. The tragedy of life is having a Justin Bieber song running through your head like an earworm. I will not let that happen to me. Farewell, cruel world!

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Doc what in the world had you decide to even listen to Justin Bieber in the first place, no less count the number of times he said “Baby”??

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Ifly, you ever drive by a traffic accident and couldn’t help but look at it….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

‘Nuff said there Doc!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I hereby nominate Justin Bieber’s “Baby” as the worst song ever. No 2 is Paul Anka’s “You’re Having My Baby,” which at least has the redeeming quality of being used to belt out “You’re having my maggot!” during the move “The Fly.”

One caveat: I haven’t listened to all of Justin Bieber’s songs, so there could be a worse one.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

You know, Unca, now that you mention it, Justine does remind me a guy who showed up for boot camp. His name was Leo. Leo could not do ONE pushup, not one. Obviously, he was a no-go.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I bet you wish george bush was still president now

Mrs. A-V: In my humble opinion, having to choose between George W. Bush and Obama, and having to choose between a Republican and a Democrat, is like having to choose between a urinary infection and a sexually transmitted disease.

They both hurt when you pee. (I’m told.)

Now, why don’t you go pee in your hands and play with it?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive