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Congratulations, you may now wake the bride
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Help me, Blog Guy, I think my marriage may be in trouble.
I’m not sure my wife still loves me. She doesn’t pay attention, she tunes me out, she frequently falls asleep when I’m talking….
Now, now, young man, there are adjustments to be made in every relationship. How long have you two been married?
Twenty minutes.
Oh. Well, a wedding day is stressful, especially for the bride. It’s quite common for a woman to be exhausted after the ceremony, and maybe catch a quick nap.
She fell asleep in the middle of the vows, Blog Guy.
DURING the ceremony? What did you do?
I tried whispering in her ear to wake her up, but she didn’t hear me over the loud music in her earphones.
Uh-oh. She listened to music while you were supposed to be getting married? Perhaps you could have reached down and lovingly squeezed her hand, then.
Sure, but I was afraid she’d lose her place in the magazine she was reading.
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A bride takes a nap as newlyweds attend a mass wedding ceremony of the Unification Church at Sun Moon University in Asan, south of Seoul, October 10, 2010. REUTERS/Lee Jae-Won
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Right after our wedding ceremony, during the reception, I slipped my wife some monohydrogen dioxide!
Err doc, wouldn’t that be dihydrogen monoxide?
HO2 is some kind of freaky radical.
Or maybe that’s what you meant.
Oh, Nosmo, you’re right. But, Shra, nobody heard that from me!
I think someone has been using my best chat up line.
Which one is that, CrowGirl?
The couple behind her is sharing their iPod. The rocking tunes of ABBA are keeping them awake!
Musta been one heckuva Bachelorette Party!
Why, thank you for asking Mr B, it’s
“Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?”
That’s brilliant, Crow! Do you, uh, own that line, or is it in the public domain?
Have at it, with my blessing. I take no responsibility for any ensuing court cases.
Well Crow, I tried your line but I screwed it up, so I guess it’s not for me:
“This rag smells like something, but I can’t remember what. Let me try it again to jog my memory.”
Kim had learned to live with the ups and downs of narcolepsy over the past 22 years of her life…however, her friends had recently begun to make a joke of her condition. Perhaps their annoyance with her falling asleep in mid-conversation made them a bit insensitive. She never knew where she would wake up, or what she would be in the middle of….
Come on CrowGirl, tell the truth. The whole thing goes:
1. Lure victim to the trunk of the car, asking them to help you ‘try-out’ the duct tape, by letting you bind their hands and feet with it, to test it’s strength.
2. Then hit them with the ‘do you think this rag smells of cholorform?’ line.
3. Drive. Drive like the wind.
I thought weddings and wakes were two different things. Though some weddings should have wakes along with them. And I will now sit on the bench, thank you very much.
Awee that’s actually cute !!
Thats the beauty of getting married. It feels like a dream but you soon wake up to the reality that you are in the trunk of a car, which is driven by Crow Girl, with your hands and feet duct taped.
Someone got a Scissor…
Thanks for the interesting comment, Insane. I’m going to have to start serving stronger doughnuts here.
If I should ever have such an encounter, I just hope that my abductor is refined enough to know the difference between real duct tape (fabric-reinforced aluminum) and the pseudo junk most Americans call “duct tape.” If she doesn’t, the deal’s off!
From Tim Carter (“askthebuilder”):
“The seam between metal pipe and fittings should be taped with the foil faced duct tape. This is REAL duct tape, not the imitation stuff you think is duct tape!
You buy foil faced duct tape at HVAC wholesale distributors or places where metal ductwork is sold. It really sticks to metal pipe and the tape is often reinforced. It is the most wonderful tape I have ever used for securing metal pipe. It makes off-the-shelf imitation duct tape look sick.”
Yes, I’ll probably get tased, but educating the public about real duct tape is worth it. THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF!
I guess it is important, Doc, although I grew up in Indiana thinking it was DUCK tape until just a couple of years ago.
Well, that explains why all the ducks are migrating to Ohio from Indiana.
Nosmo, I’m outraged. It’s actually cable ties.
Insane, hey, I know people with worse marriages.
I think the quote is usually “all of life’s problems can be solved by one of two things….” I respectfully disagree with that quote. What about beer (for some people) and peanut butter (for others)?
Yes Doc, and that mint-flavored apple jelly…
@CrowGirl – Oooooooo! Cable ties – the mark of the true professional.
@Mr B + Doc – Ok, so now (makes list) all I need is:
Cholorfom
Cable ties
WD-40
Duck Tape (cause Unca says it’s a brand)
Beer
Peanut Butter
Mint-flavored apple jelly
… and probably a REALLY good lawyer
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and binds everything together.
All this talk is making me hungry for Chinese carry-out. I’m getting some Peking Duct. Who’s in?
At a local store hereabouts, I could go in and buy:
duct tape
a machette
ammunition
a pry bar
a flashlight
rope
black clothes
electrical cable ties
a glass cutting tool
gloves
electrical bypass wires with alligator clips
bug spray (with chloroform)
hostess twinkies
I wonder what would happen if someone went in and bought this stuff?
Okay, does anybody remember what duct tape has to do with this sleeping bride posting? Sometimes my boss wants to know stuff like that, and I wouldn’t be able to tell him without going back and reading the comments.
It may or may not have to do with duct taping her lids open during the ceremony. If your boss does ask just tell him that it does.
I’m worried now Doc. I don’t own any hostess twinkies. Should I get some for my kit? What are they?
http://www.hostesscakes.com/twinkies.asp
Crowy, whether you’re an abductor or an exorcist, these need to be in your kit!
No! Don’t you see, Spin? This allows me to say to him, “Well sir, that’s a long story. It involves somebody in Wales and somebody in Newfoundland, and it all started when….
He’ll be long gone by then.
Doc, they look horrible! I’ll try and hunt some down in the vaguely local American sweet shop, but if they’re for threatening purposes I prefer a knobkerry, and if they’re for sugar ingestion I’ve got Kendal Mint Cake.
I sparked Nosmo’s imagination?! Um…
@CrowGirl, you are also going to need Twinkies when the zombie apocolypse happens.
Mr. B. with that kind of in depth knowledge of the managerial mindset how are you yourself not the boss?
@Spin – I take exception to that remark! That is not how I pick up women, it’s how we pick up suspects for questioning. I used lame, tired pick-up lines at a bar in the early hours of the morning to try and get women, the same as everyone else.
@CrowGirl – I may regret this, but what’s a knobkerry?
Anybody here ever play matchmaker besides me? My friend Pretorius and I did once. Nevermore.
@Doc, nah usually I play matchstriker followed by firestarter.
Why do we need hostess twinkies for the zombie apocalypse? Won’t Edinburgh rock do? Mr Pilot.
There is a brand of cloth backed tape here that is sold under the brand name of duck tape, maybe that’s what you were thinking of Mr B, or you misheard, who knows?
I’m thinking that a convertible SUV isn’t the best vehicle for kidnapping/body dumping, CG.
@knit_nurse, because in Zombieland there might be a shortage so you have to stock up beforehand!
KN, look at the shelf life of Twinkies. Just pop ‘em into your zombie ‘pocolypse bag along with your knobkerry and forget ‘em until the zombies come drooling at your door. You’re good to go! Just toss a Twinkie at the zombies and run.
“Everyone loves a Twinkie!”
Nosmo – it’s a beating stick that your friendly neighbourhood barman keeps to hand under the bar for when your chat up lines reach the pesty side of lame (not that I’m implying they do). They crop up in film noir stuff sometimes. Can’t remember the etymology, I’ll have to check and get back to you.
Doc – not since a girl I thought would be great for my friend ripped his heart out with both hands…
Knitty – you say that, but how am I going to get to those mine shafts without 4WD? When was it we were going for a picnic to the Bridge of Death?
What a coincidence, CG. Dr. Pretorius and I put a heart into our Bride!
(Sorry to hear about your friend.)
Mr Pilot/Doc, I’ve survived the first 30 years of my life without them so I think I can survive the apocalypse without twinkies.
CG, I just don’t think soft tops are trappy enough for kidnapping.
I’ve been warned against going anywhere called the Bridge of Death with you, as well you know.
Babe, it’s not like they’re going to be CONSCIOUS!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lon don-11610999
It seems the real professionals have gaffer tape AND cable ties…