Is he really worth whacking, Boss?
Okay, fellow Star Whackers, the reason for this emergency secret meeting is, we have a problem. A big one. Some guy seems to have found out about us, and he’s making statements to the media. Lamar, have you dug up anything on him?
Yeah Boss, he’s an actor named Randy Quaid. He and his wife have requested asylum in Canada to protect themselves from us. They say other stars have been murdered, and now we’re after them.
They even issued a statement: “We are requesting asylum from Hollywood ‘Star Whackers.'”
And this guy is Randy WHO?
Oh, right. Good-looking guy, used to be married to Meg Ryan?
No Boss, That’s Dennis Quaid. This is his goofy-looking brother. Should I just go ahead and whack him, Boss?
Lamar, that’s JUST what he wants. These Hollywood has-beens would KILL to be killed by us!
So what do we do, Boss? We can’t just let him shoot off his mouth forever.
We won’t, Lamar. Let’s send the clean-up team in, to make sure every picture people see of this guy, he looks really stupid. It’ll be the final blow to his career.
Oh my God, Boss! No! You mean just what we did to Floyd P. Sturgeon?
Exactly. And who even remembers Floyd P. Sturgeon? You know, Lamar, I tried Googling him the other day and couldn’t even find a reference anymore. Heh heh heh….
Top: Randy Quaid, who portrays Mr. Briggs, “The Unemployed Father” in the motion picture comedy “Not Another Teen Movie,” poses at the premiere of the film in 2001, in Los Angeles. REUTERS/Jim Ruymen
Combo left: Quaid arrives for the major motion picture premiere of “Monster-in-Law” in Los Angeles in 2005. REUTERS/Mike Blake
Combo right: Quaid, wearing a faux fur coat, arrives as a guest for a premiere at the 2008 Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, in 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser
Lower left: Brian Tsuji, lawyer for actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi, holds up a note the couple wrote and read to media outside a Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board hearing in Vancouver, British Columbia October 22, 2010. REUTERS/Andy Clark