Space alien plot to deny news to shoppers?
Boy, I did not see this one coming.
Who would have guessed you could lose, selling stories like “Angelina, Jennifer Catfight at Arby’s,” “The Chocolate Mousse Diet,” and “Homeless Oprah Lives in Packard” to a captive audience in supermarket checkout lines?
Sure, there were signs the tabloids were heading in an odd direction when some of their scoops started having some truth in them. I’m talking about you, John Edwards and Tiger Woods.
Plus, the fortunes of news tabloids took a slide when groceries expanded express lines and self-checkout terminals, giving customers less time to become well-informed citizens.
But there’s more to it than that. For a glimpse of what powerful force could unite to bring down the tabloids, take a look at this purported alleged transcript from a super-secret meeting held a couple of months ago at a Holiday Inn near Dayton:
Okay, I’m calling this meeting to order, and we all know why we’re here. All of us can feel those tabloids getting a LITTLE too close.
Is everybody present?
Oprah? Liz? Britney? Brad? Brad’s ex-wives and ex-girlfriends? Aliens from Jupiter, Neptune and Belgium? Great.
Now just to organize ourselves a bit, if you’re a celebrity with a boob job, move over to the left.
Cripes, that’s just about everybody. The room is shifting from being top-heavy!
Okay, love children over by the window. Great. Everybody who traveled more than 800 million miles to get here, move to the back row.
Now, everybody who knows about a U.S. government cover-up, move to the front row. Wow, that IS everybody!
So let’s just get started… Huh? No, Elvis, we’re NOT serving food until AFTER the meeting, and you can tell Michael Jackson the same thing!
Top: Presenter Jennifer Aniston poses backstage at Academy Awards in Hollywood, February 22, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake
Left: National Enquirer cover
Right: The U.S. Air Force released June 24 this photo of examples of Alderson Laboratories anthropomorphic dummies of the type dropped from balloons over New Mexico throughout the 1950s. The Air Force reported June 24 that “space aliens” who supposedly crashed in the New Mexico desert 50 years ago were only military dummies. REUTERS/HO