Space alien plot to deny news to shoppers?

November 18, 2010

tabloid jennifer 490

National Enquirer publisher files for bankruptcy

Boy, I did not see this one coming.

enquirer cover 280Who would have guessed you could lose, selling  stories like “Angelina, Jennifer Catfight at Arby’s,” “The Chocolate Mousse Diet,”  and “Homeless Oprah Lives in Packard” to a captive audience in supermarket checkout lines?

Sure, there were signs the tabloids were heading in an odd direction when some of their scoops started having some truth in them. I’m talking about you, John Edwards and Tiger Woods.

Plus, the fortunes of news tabloids took a slide when groceries expanded express lines and self-checkout terminals, giving customers less time to become well-informed citizens.

But there’s more to it than that. For a glimpse of what powerful force could unite to bring down the tabloids, take a look at this purported alleged transcript from a super-secret meeting held a couple of months ago at a Holiday Inn near Dayton:

tabloid aliens 240 verticalOkay, I’m calling this meeting to order, and we all know why we’re here. All of us can feel those tabloids getting a LITTLE too close.

Is everybody present?

Oprah? Liz? Britney? Brad? Brad’s ex-wives and ex-girlfriends? Aliens from Jupiter, Neptune and Belgium? Great.

Now just to organize ourselves a bit, if you’re a celebrity with a boob job, move over to the left.

Cripes, that’s just about everybody. The room is shifting  from being top-heavy!

Okay, love children over by the window. Great. Everybody who traveled more than 800 million miles to get here, move to the back row.

Now, everybody who knows about a U.S. government cover-up, move to the front row. Wow, that IS everybody!

So let’s just get started… Huh? No, Elvis, we’re NOT serving food until AFTER the meeting, and you can tell Michael Jackson the same thing!

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Top: Presenter Jennifer Aniston poses backstage at Academy Awards in Hollywood, February 22, 2009. REUTERS/Mike Blake

Left: National Enquirer cover

Right: The U.S. Air Force released June 24 this photo of examples of Alderson Laboratories anthropomorphic dummies of the type dropped from balloons over New Mexico throughout the 1950s. The Air Force reported June 24 that “space aliens” who supposedly crashed in the New Mexico desert 50 years ago were only military dummies. REUTERS/HO

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17 comments

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Military dummies? I resemble that remark.

Is Jennifer nekkid? As usual, Lamar or Johnson screwed up getting the “real” photo.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

You mean there were NO aliens in the New Mexico desert 50 years ago???
Damn, all those X-Files episodes watched when I was young and impressionable!!!
I should sue somebody for millions of dollars, shouldnt I?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by robert basler, Oddly Enough. Oddly Enough said: Space alien plot to deny news to shoppers? http://dlvr.it/8ltc9 [...]

Ah come on, surely you’d buy it for the 40 ways to be richer by next year…
1. Stop spending money on crummy magazines.
2. Rob a bank.
3. ….

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

Imma let you finish, hey! That’s David Duchovny on the cover of that Enquirer!

Posted by KWest | Report as abusive

Jennifer just woke up from a nightmare where she was naked at the Oscars, only to find out it wasn’t a nightmare…

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

Is that a white yarmulke on McCain’s head? Who does he think he is, the Pope or something? No wonder Jennifer is shocked.

Ooops, my bad. It’s his hair. ;-)

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

WRONG! Belgium is not alien, just terminally dull.

Posted by ARJTurgot | Report as abusive

Puh-lease…I don’t need no stinkin Enquirer, I’ve got the OE blog! One stop shopping for all my news of the non-serious kind! Pass a doughnut pleeeeease…

Ok things are getting a little out of hand. First it’s white rectangles, then custom color rectangles, then swans, and now entire blog articles blocking the good parts of photos. I dread to see how much more creative Lamar is gonna get with his photo editing. Sheesh.

And no, I am not going all the back through the blogs to find the link to the swan pic, I am way to lazy for that.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

@Ifly, I don’t think Lamar is censoring – I think he’s teasing us so that we come back for more! The photo of Jennifer is almost taunting us to imagine what might be below the frame!
It’s funny how some people seem to dominate the Enquirer headlines from year to year. I haven’t seen a National Enquirer in a couple of years, but I’m pretty sure the only new person is Sarah Palin. But I am certain she will be a staple of the “real” news for years to come!

Posted by Jibberish | Report as abusive

Now Jennifer Anniston may not be a good actress, but she does excellent impersonations, like her one of Angela Merkel in the first photo.

As we all know, planet Belgium no longer exists, as it was made from chocolate and Oprah had it brought to her home where she ate it all.
At least that’s what the Enquirer said, anyway.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Why is there a gurney in front of the crash test dummies?

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

Really, Jib?
I thought David Duchovny was new… oh no… you are right… its all darn old!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

That would be the correct swan reference yes Mr. B. Thanks for enabling my laziness! :)

Whatever happened to the bat boy? Wasn’t he a hot topic on the Enquirer for a while?

@Jibberish, you don’t think Lamar just wants to keep all the good parts to himself?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Wow. Great stuff, Spin. I guess the Enquirer failed to change to an all-haiku format in time….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Interesting point, Spin. On the other hand, in spite of the title, when is the last time you saw Martians and Venusians compete for Miss Universe?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

You gotta be kidding me, BG… half of that crowd is from Venus…!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive