Are you smarter than your turkey?
It’s that time again, when no matter how well you’ve hidden your stupidity during the year, it’s going to come out when you try to cook your Thanksgiving turkey.
It turns out, this is the ultimate IQ test. Just ask the folks who answer the phones at that Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, where any moron can call in and get expert advice simply by saying the words, “God help me, I am way too stupid to live…”
Here are some actual questions the Butterball experts have fielded during past Thanksgivings. Remember, these are from regular people, who can vote and own firearms and sing at karaoke bars, just like you and me:
Is it okay to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids?
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?
Can I use my oven’s self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?
If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw will the oil affect the taste?
Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster?
If you look at online cooking sites, you’ll find that some of their “expert” advice is pretty bizarre, too.
One Website, noting that the turkey usually cooks somewhat unevenly, seriously advises serving your dinner in a low light level so your guests can’t get a good look at the finished bird. I’m not making this up.
“Okay, everybody down to the cellar, it’s time to eat! Ma, turn out the lights, I’m bringin’ in the turkey!
Of course, this tactic gives you the chance to use a razor-sharp carving knife at close quarters in near-total darkness. What could possibly go wrong?
Isn’t it much smarter to keep the lights on but blindfold everybody? That’s what we do at our house.
So best of luck on Thanksgiving. And remember this anecdote from one story about the Talk-Line. A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It turned out she had cooked it upside-down.
Can you believe that somebody actually… Oh, wait a minute. I did the exact same thing a few years ago. Seriously.
God help me, I am way too stupid to live…
U.S. President Barack Obama pardons the national Thanksgiving turkey, “Courage” during the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony on the North Portico of the White House, November 25, 2009. REUTERS/Larry Downing
A Tennessee Titans fan wears a turkey hat as he watches the warm-up before the start of the Thanksgiving Day NFL football game, November 27, 2008. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook
Actress Calista Flockhart serves food during a Thanksgiving meal outside the Los Angeles Mission in the Skid Row section of Los Angeles, November 21, 2007. REUTERS/Danny Moloshok