Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Are you smarter than your turkey?

November 22, 2010

OBAMA/

It’s that time again, when no matter how well you’ve hidden your stupidity during the year, it’s going to come out when you try to cook your Thanksgiving turkey.

NFL/It turns out, this is the ultimate IQ test. Just ask the folks who answer the phones at that Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, where any moron can call in and get expert advice simply by saying the words, “God help me, I am way too stupid to live…”

Here are some actual questions the Butterball experts have fielded during past Thanksgivings. Remember, these are from regular people, who can vote and own firearms and sing at karaoke bars, just like you and me:

Is it okay to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids?

Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?

Can I use my oven’s self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?

If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw will the oil affect the taste?

Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster?

USA/If you look at online cooking sites, you’ll find that some of their “expert” advice is pretty bizarre, too.

One Website, noting that the turkey usually cooks somewhat unevenly, seriously advises serving your dinner in a low light level so your guests can’t get a good look at the finished bird. I’m not making this up.

“Okay, everybody down to the cellar, it’s time to eat! Ma, turn out the lights, I’m bringin’ in the turkey!

Of course, this tactic gives you the chance to use a razor-sharp carving knife at close quarters in near-total darkness. What could possibly go wrong?

Isn’t it much smarter to keep the lights on but blindfold everybody? That’s what we do at our house.

So best of luck on Thanksgiving. And remember this anecdote from one story about the Talk-Line. A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It turned out she had cooked it upside-down.

Can you believe that somebody actually… Oh, wait a minute. I did the exact same thing a few years ago. Seriously.

God help me, I am way too stupid to live…

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U.S. President Barack Obama pardons the national Thanksgiving turkey, “Courage” during the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony on the North Portico of the White House, November 25, 2009. REUTERS/Larry Downing

A Tennessee Titans fan wears a turkey hat as he watches the warm-up before the start of the Thanksgiving Day NFL football game, November 27, 2008. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook

Actress Calista Flockhart serves food during a Thanksgiving meal outside the Los Angeles Mission in the Skid Row section of Los Angeles, November 21, 2007. REUTERS/Danny Moloshok

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Comments

Happy Thanksgiving to all who follow the .. umm.. day?
I prefer chicken to turkey… is that allowed??

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive
 

I’m not sure if I’d be able to eat something I saw alive. Props to Obama for being a hardballing turkey taunter.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive
 

That Calista should be on the other side of the serving line. Seriously, somebody make that girl a sammich!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive
 

I daresay BG, it looks more like the Prez is blessing that turkey than pardoning it. Or maybe it’s an exorcism. Is that turkey actually the ghost of thanksgiving past?

Donuts anyone?

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive
 

Barrack O’Bama, aka The Turkey Whisperer

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive
 

The turkey is looking into the camera with an “Is this guy for real?” expression.

The one website that noted “the” turkey cooked unevenly, did they bother to cook another to verify the results or did they just cook one badly and give up?

“Gee Lamar, this turkey cooked unevenly, what are we going to do?”
“Well Eugene we have to go home to watch the Justin Bieber holiday concert marathon so we can’t cook another. Just tell people to turn off the lights when they serve it, they will never know.”

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Spin, if I may offer a haiku;

Turkey goes gobble
Gobble gobble gobble gob
le gobble gobble.

Thank you. I will be here all week.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Good, ifly. So that means you won’t be coming here then…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive
 

You have a lot to learn about hustling, Spin. You don’t write killer haiku every day for two weeks straight and THEN challenge others to a face-off….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive
 

“The Turkey as King of the Ghosts”

Powerful turkey:
“Man with the axe is a bug.”
Wishbone, breast, drumstick….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive
 

Forget the turkey, doughnuts for me. ;-)

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive
 

Don’t consider yourself that lucky Mr. B. I will be here, right here. All week. You might as well throw on a pot of coffee and bake up some doughnuts cause you and I are gonna be buds.

Have the Butterball experts or any of the websites delved into the world of deep-frying turkeys? I am sure there is a plethora of comedy to be found there.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Don’t consider yourself that lucky Mr. B. I will be here, right here. All week. You might as well throw on a pot of coffee and bake up some doughnuts cause you and I are gonna be buds.

Have the Butterball experts or any of the websites delved into the world of deep-frying turkeys? I am sure there is a plethora of comedy to be found there.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

A follow up to my haiku,

Gobble gobble gob..
………………..
It’s time for dinner!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

With reflection, I would change the last line to “breast, drumstick, wishbone” to emphasize being picked clean and the violence of breakage.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive
 

Dr. Doll, that thoughtful revision to your haiku makes all the difference.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive
 

Haiku – my Kryptonite! Anyways:

Presidential Turkey
Is that really you
Joseph Biden

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive
 

Why does Mr Obama want to pardon a turkey? What did the turkey do?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive
 

“A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It turned out she had cooked it upside-down.”

Actually, I do that on purpose. Puting it upside down in an oven baking bag has the majority of the white meat in the brine. Cooking it upside down leaves the meat tender and moist, falling off the bone when finished cooking. There is a method to my madness. ;-)

Posted by alittleobscure | Report as abusive
 

And while my wife is working, my son and I will carve the “Traditional Thanksgiving Taco”.

Hey, a tradition is what you make it…

Posted by bobw111 | Report as abusive
 

Spin:
Women on the Verge
Movie made me laugh
Memories long past

Hadn’t thought of that movie in a long time, and it made me grin at your mention of it.

BG: Are you sure that isn’t a bobble head turkey? It looks like the pres. is about to press on its head to see what happens.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive
 

More and more haiku coming up on the blog!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive
 

Shra, there was *cough* an educational comment made on this blog by alittleobscure.

@Unca – I have found a Tofurkey gravy recipe for you:
1. Take one bottle of single malt scotch whiskey (preferrably Glenmorangie or Glenlivet)
2. Before cooking Tofurkey, sample whiskey for quality
3. Begin cooking Tofurkey as recommended
4. While Tofurkey is cooking resample whiskey for quality
5. Start working on your Mel Gibson Braveheart quotes
6. Repeat steps 4-5 until Tofurkey is cooked
7. Carefully seperate Tofurkey from any residue liquids
8. Place both Tofurkey and liquids in the trash
9. Finish the whiskey and regale your guests with your now-perfected ‘you can take my life but you canna take my freedom’ speech
10. Eat dessert
11. Fall asleep watching sports

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive
 

No there is no pardoning Tofurkey. Tofurkey needs to be sent away for a long long time and have a good think about what it’s done.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Awww poor tofurkey…. there goes your Thanksgiving supper, Unca..or is it dinner?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive
 

That’s one of my assistant’s favorite sayings, Unca: When I send her a project and haven’t yet discussed it with her, she sends me such e-mails as “You got some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy!”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive
 

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