Oddly Enough Blog
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Are you smarter than your turkey?
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It’s that time again, when no matter how well you’ve hidden your stupidity during the year, it’s going to come out when you try to cook your Thanksgiving turkey.
It turns out, this is the ultimate IQ test. Just ask the folks who answer the phones at that Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, where any moron can call in and get expert advice simply by saying the words, “God help me, I am way too stupid to live…”
Here are some actual questions the Butterball experts have fielded during past Thanksgivings. Remember, these are from regular people, who can vote and own firearms and sing at karaoke bars, just like you and me:
Is it okay to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids?
Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?
Can I use my oven’s self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?
If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw will the oil affect the taste?
Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster?
If you look at online cooking sites, you’ll find that some of their “expert” advice is pretty bizarre, too.
One Website, noting that the turkey usually cooks somewhat unevenly, seriously advises serving your dinner in a low light level so your guests can’t get a good look at the finished bird. I’m not making this up.
“Okay, everybody down to the cellar, it’s time to eat! Ma, turn out the lights, I’m bringin’ in the turkey!
Of course, this tactic gives you the chance to use a razor-sharp carving knife at close quarters in near-total darkness. What could possibly go wrong?
Isn’t it much smarter to keep the lights on but blindfold everybody? That’s what we do at our house.
So best of luck on Thanksgiving. And remember this anecdote from one story about the Talk-Line. A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It turned out she had cooked it upside-down.
Can you believe that somebody actually… Oh, wait a minute. I did the exact same thing a few years ago. Seriously.
God help me, I am way too stupid to live…
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U.S. President Barack Obama pardons the national Thanksgiving turkey, “Courage” during the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony on the North Portico of the White House, November 25, 2009. REUTERS/Larry Downing
A Tennessee Titans fan wears a turkey hat as he watches the warm-up before the start of the Thanksgiving Day NFL football game, November 27, 2008. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook
Actress Calista Flockhart serves food during a Thanksgiving meal outside the Los Angeles Mission in the Skid Row section of Los Angeles, November 21, 2007. REUTERS/Danny Moloshok
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Happy Thanksgiving to all who follow the .. umm.. day?
I prefer chicken to turkey… is that allowed??
I’m not sure if I’d be able to eat something I saw alive. Props to Obama for being a hardballing turkey taunter.
That Calista should be on the other side of the serving line. Seriously, somebody make that girl a sammich!
I daresay BG, it looks more like the Prez is blessing that turkey than pardoning it. Or maybe it’s an exorcism. Is that turkey actually the ghost of thanksgiving past?
Donuts anyone?
Barrack O’Bama, aka The Turkey Whisperer
The turkey is looking into the camera with an “Is this guy for real?” expression.
The one website that noted “the” turkey cooked unevenly, did they bother to cook another to verify the results or did they just cook one badly and give up?
“Gee Lamar, this turkey cooked unevenly, what are we going to do?”
“Well Eugene we have to go home to watch the Justin Bieber holiday concert marathon so we can’t cook another. Just tell people to turn off the lights when they serve it, they will never know.”
Spin, if I may offer a haiku;
Turkey goes gobble
Gobble gobble gobble gob
le gobble gobble.
Thank you. I will be here all week.
Good, ifly. So that means you won’t be coming here then…
You have a lot to learn about hustling, Spin. You don’t write killer haiku every day for two weeks straight and THEN challenge others to a face-off….
“The Turkey as King of the Ghosts”
Powerful turkey:
“Man with the axe is a bug.”
Wishbone, breast, drumstick….
Forget the turkey, doughnuts for me.
Don’t consider yourself that lucky Mr. B. I will be here, right here. All week. You might as well throw on a pot of coffee and bake up some doughnuts cause you and I are gonna be buds.
Have the Butterball experts or any of the websites delved into the world of deep-frying turkeys? I am sure there is a plethora of comedy to be found there.
Don’t consider yourself that lucky Mr. B. I will be here, right here. All week. You might as well throw on a pot of coffee and bake up some doughnuts cause you and I are gonna be buds.
Have the Butterball experts or any of the websites delved into the world of deep-frying turkeys? I am sure there is a plethora of comedy to be found there.
A follow up to my haiku,
Gobble gobble gob..
………………..
It’s time for dinner!
With reflection, I would change the last line to “breast, drumstick, wishbone” to emphasize being picked clean and the violence of breakage.
Dr. Doll, that thoughtful revision to your haiku makes all the difference.
Haiku – my Kryptonite! Anyways:
Presidential Turkey
Is that really you
Joseph Biden
Why does Mr Obama want to pardon a turkey? What did the turkey do?
“A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. It turned out she had cooked it upside-down.”
Actually, I do that on purpose. Puting it upside down in an oven baking bag has the majority of the white meat in the brine. Cooking it upside down leaves the meat tender and moist, falling off the bone when finished cooking. There is a method to my madness.
And while my wife is working, my son and I will carve the “Traditional Thanksgiving Taco”.
Hey, a tradition is what you make it…
Spin:
Women on the Verge
Movie made me laugh
Memories long past
Hadn’t thought of that movie in a long time, and it made me grin at your mention of it.
BG: Are you sure that isn’t a bobble head turkey? It looks like the pres. is about to press on its head to see what happens.
More and more haiku coming up on the blog!!!
Shra, there was *cough* an educational comment made on this blog by alittleobscure.
@Unca – I have found a Tofurkey gravy recipe for you:
1. Take one bottle of single malt scotch whiskey (preferrably Glenmorangie or Glenlivet)
2. Before cooking Tofurkey, sample whiskey for quality
3. Begin cooking Tofurkey as recommended
4. While Tofurkey is cooking resample whiskey for quality
5. Start working on your Mel Gibson Braveheart quotes
6. Repeat steps 4-5 until Tofurkey is cooked
7. Carefully seperate Tofurkey from any residue liquids
8. Place both Tofurkey and liquids in the trash
9. Finish the whiskey and regale your guests with your now-perfected ‘you can take my life but you canna take my freedom’ speech
10. Eat dessert
11. Fall asleep watching sports
No there is no pardoning Tofurkey. Tofurkey needs to be sent away for a long long time and have a good think about what it’s done.
Awww poor tofurkey…. there goes your Thanksgiving supper, Unca..or is it dinner?
That’s one of my assistant’s favorite sayings, Unca: When I send her a project and haven’t yet discussed it with her, she sends me such e-mails as “You got some ‘splainin’ to do, Lucy!”