Think you could kill her for a little less?

December 15, 2010

This is just pathetic. You may have seen the story about a former TV chef who pleaded no contest to trying to have his wife killed, and was sentenced to nine years in prison.

calorie commando 260Thankfully his wife wasn’t harmed, but here’s the disgusting thing. Did this guy try to find an experienced, professional hitman like a decent husband would do?

No, he did not. Instead, he offered some homeless men $1,000 to kill her.

Let’s all think about that. I can’t decide whether this guy is cheap, or just plain stupid.

I mean, if these poor guys were good at performing complicated tasks and following directions and so on, chances are they might not be homeless in the first place.

If my wife ever decides to get rid of me, and who would blame her, I hope she would care enough to spend a few bucks and  have it done right.

I don’t want folks saying, “There’s the Blog Guy’s wife, that one who paid an old three-legged schnauzer $4 to bite her husband on the ankle until he bled to death.”

gun silencer 240When my time comes, I want to see nice cufflinks, a well-maintained handgun, a manicured trigger finger and the confident face of a guy who takes some pride in his work.  I hope you’re paying attention, Honey.

Excuse me, Sir, allow me to compliment a real pro when I see one.

That’s a fine silencer you have there. The neighbors will never phhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt!

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Top right:  Book jacket, “The Juan-Carlos Cruz Calorie Countdown Cookbook”

Bottom right: A pistol with a silencer used by gunmen in an attack on goldsmith shops in Baghdad, May 25, 2010.  REUTERS/Mohammed Ameen

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14 comments

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If only he’d apple-pied himself, he could have cooked up a much better scheme.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Was Hulga involved? That tart!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

I am not buying his book… Who knows what he would hide in the tortilla!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

First off, BG, he was cheap AND stupid!

Second, if he could take off the weight so well with his recipes, why didn’t he just make her too thin to live, then go on Oprah to cry about how he didn’t see the signs of malnutrition, or bulemia, or whatever other “natural cause” was her demise? He’d of made even more money off that.

Finally, I don’t want to see a well-manicured guy. If my wife wanted to get rid of me, I hope it’s with the provision of me not seeing it coming.

Posted by skeres | Report as abusive

Ever hear of a ronin Mr. B.? Just sayin those homeless guys..ya never know…

“That’s a fine silencer you have there. The neighbors will never phhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttt!” Oh yes, your final act before death by professional assasin is to rip a squeaker. Classy to the end! :D

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Looks like the guy isn’t much of a DIY-er at all. The guy’s a chef for cryin’ out loud! A little chloral hydrate in the ‘new’ recipe, a nice soothing bubble bath later…

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

Oscar the homeless bandit
Had a very shiney gun
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows.

All of the other bandits
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Oscar
Play their little bandit games.

Then one frosty Christmas Eve
Juan-Carlos came to say
“Oscar with your gun so bright,
Won’t you shoot my wife tonight?”

Then, all the bandits loved him.
As they shouted out with glee,
The Sheriff said to Juan-Carlos
“You’ll rot in sol-i-tar-y!”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Pilot, see, you misunderstood. That was supposed to be the sound of… Oh heck, I like yours better.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

“Recipe for Murder: A Memoir”
By Juan-Carlos Cruz (No. 645429)

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I like Mr Skeres’ optimism. :)

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Brilllllliant Doc!!!! :D

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Talk about half-baked ideas!

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Yes, Spin, but I think he confused “stir in” with “in stir.” I wonder, did the judge end the sentencing hearing with “serve cold, with crackers”?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Carlos Flambé! I like it! Or is that Carlos stir-fry?Personally, I think he’s stewing in his own juices, Spin. I wonder if the judge quoted Shakespeare’s Mark Anthony at sentencing, who said: “I come to beurre Carlos, not to braise him.”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

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