You stuck him with the wrong knife, fool!
I’m a huge fan of our etiquette columns, which offer useful advice for folks who were raised by Neanderthals, frozen in a glacier for 50,000 years and then wake up to find themselves working in a Manhattan law firm. There must be more of those than you think.
One etiquette column went over basic table manners for business meals, clearing up such fine points as whether to gesture with your cutlery, clank your utensils loudly against your teeth or slurp your spaghetti. I’m serious.
Amazingly, there’s even more to learn, and it is all spelled out for you in our latest business dining etiquette piece.
For example, it turns out you shouldn’t pile stuff like hats and gloves on the dining table.
“If items must be in reach, tuck them in a pocket or neatly beneath or behind your chair,” we suggest.
I don’t know why hats and gloves might ever need to be within reach during a meal, unless you’re such an obvious loser that they seat you beside the alley door and you get a whoosh of arctic air every time they take out more garbage.
And here’s something I sure didn’t know. “How you butter your bread is one of the biggest indicators of good vs. bad table manners.” We tell readers to butter one bite-sized piece of bread or roll at a time.
That’s right, one bite at a time. Really? Because if I saw somebody do that, I would think he was too lazy or stupid to butter a roll all at once and be done with it.
What works for me is, I spot the best rolls in the basket and quickly butter them and take a bite of each, to mark them as mine. But I guess that’s just me.
Something else new: “Always sit up straight and bring food to your mouth rather than your mouth to the food.”
So to be clear, your lips should never actually touch your plate, especially if it’s come right from the broiler with your sizzling t-bone on it. Our piece doesn’t specifically address eating soup, but I gather if your nose and mouth are BOTH submerged in chowder, you’ve gone too far down.
Our newest column even covers which knife to use for what, like stabbing some jerk if he touches your bread plate, and where to wipe the blood.
Hint: Don’t wipe it on your hat, which shouldn’t be on the table anyway!
Top: Greece’s Prime Minister George Papandreou (R) and his Turkish counterpart Recep Tayyip Erdogan meet over breakfast in the eastern Turkish city of Erzurum January 7, 2011. REUTERS/Umit Bektas
Left: Wingbowl participant Rich “The Locust” Lefevre eats wings during the 14th annual Wingbowl event in Philadelphia, February 3, 2006. REUTERS/Tim Shaffer
Right: Reigning Wing Bowl champion Joey Chestnut eats chicken wings during the 16th annual Wing Bowl event in Philadelphia, February 1, 2008. REUTERS/Tim Shaffer