No booty here, and that’s the gospel!

March 8, 2011


Check it out. A new edition of the Bible, available tomorrow, is replacing words such as “booty” and “holocaust” to “better reflect modern understanding.”

MARKETS USA STOCKSI am not making this up.

“Holocaust” is being changed to “burnt offerings,” so that readers who are easily confused won’t think the Bible is talking about the 1940s Holocaust.

Among other changes, the word “booty,” which now has a sexual connotation, will become “spoils of war.”

Our FaithWorld Blog says this new edition is the outcome of a 17-year project by a committee. I like to think it took so long because the committee got really carried away making endless lists of other words for “booty.”

But what our story doesn’t reveal is that this is just the first wave of updates.

Even more dramatic substitutions are on their way, according to memos which my staff researchers got from the committee’s wastebasket.

We have learned that in future revisions of the Bible:

  • USA/“fatted calf” will be changed to “lunch meat”
  • “commandments” will become “action points”
  • “heaven” will be called “Fort Lauderdale”
  • “sin” will be changed to “shenanigans”
  • “eternal damnation” will become “forced to listen to Charlie Sheen”
  • And in perhaps the most dramatic change of all, “God” will become “Paul Bunyan”

If you want a copy of the new booty-free edition the release date is tomorrow, so get in line.

Personally, I plan to just stick with the traditional Booty Bible. That’s the truth, so help me Bunyan…

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Top: An altar boy takes the Bible out for the World Youth Day’s opening mass in Sydney July 15, 2008.  REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

Right: An unidentified woman poses with a wax figure of entertainer Jennifer Lopez at Madame Tussaud’s museum in New York, May 21, 2003. As part of ceremonies marking the unveiling of the Lopez model the museum hosted a “booty call” contest where entrants were supposed to compare their backsides with that of “J Lo”. REUTERS/Peter Morgan

Right: U.S. actor Charlie Sheen is pictured in this handout photo released by the Aspen Police Department on December 25, 2009. Sheen, 44, was arrested on Friday for second degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief. REUTERS/Aspen Police Department/Handout

Left: Cover of a Paul Bunyan book.

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I would say that that young woman has a better “booty” than JLos… here’s to all real women!!! Happy Women’s Day ladies!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Sorry to correct you, Shra, but you mean she has better “spoils of war.”

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I would stick to the traditional text here, BG, if you dont mind…
for once, being traditional rocks! 😀

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Shra, I second that wish! Happy Women’s Day!

Is it me, or is Charlie getting creepier looking?

I like Paul Bunyan, and his blue ox. Now, that Babe had some booty!

You know, unca has a hippo. Do you suppose he could become a folk hero here on the blog?

Doughnuts and beignets all around for Fat Tuesday! Repent and diet tomorrow! Can we still say “repent” BG?

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

No, when the new Bible comes out, “repent” becomes “make a deal with the prosecutor.”

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@Shra: I agree with that booty… I mean comment 😀 😀

@RB: How dare you commit an act of blasphemy, let’s burn you at the stake…or is there a new word for that too? 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

@fwd: I guess “burning at the stake” will become something like “scanning for and erasing viruses”…

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

“…better reflect modern understanding.”

Then it should read something like this:

So Tweeteth the Lord from on high to Noah.”
“Noah I AM the Lord and I commandeth you to build an arc! I SHALL download the dimensions to thine smartphone.”
So Tweeteth the Lord to Noah. “And you shall POST my command unto Facebook so as to gather thine friends to help.”
Noah heard the Lords command and posteth it unto his Facebook. Many did click “Like”.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Spin, could this be it?
Genesis, Chapter 42, 026: And they laded their asses with the corn, and departed thence…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I was the only boy in my 8th grade catechism class. The rest were 8 hot women. One Saturday, I had to stand up in front of the class and read the story of Abraham and Isaac. When I go tto the part where I had to read “So Abraham arose early and saddled his ass….” I got the worst case of the giggles I’ve ever had.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Aha! A booty call on Oddly Enough–great way to start the day! So what is “redemption” now–“getting $1 back on your fatty calf”?

Posted by slick9 | Report as abusive

Doc, that was brilliant!!!!! LOL!! Big case of giggles right here!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Spin, the modern version: “And they loaded their Honda Civics with Four Loko and departed.”

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

@Ifly – LOL!

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

I can haz salvayshun?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I’d be curious to see how they deal with Ezekiel 23:20. This is a Family Blog (TM) so I won’t repeat it here, or I may be forced to listen to Charlie Sheen.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Oh oh oh…and in the new version to better reflect modern understanding instead of Moses leading the Jews through the dessert for 40 years to the Promised Land he is leading them through the dessert for 40 years to the Promised Wi-Fi Hot Spot!

Cause Oh My Gawd reception in the dessert sucks!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

And so does my ability to use the correct spelling of desert.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I find it amusing that there is even a need to update and modernize the Bible to begin with, especially having to replace certain words so it has a more “modern understanding”. The Bible is supposed to be the word of God himself, who happens to be the creator of all, the Alpha and the Omega, as told to the righteous then subsequently the word of Jesus, the savior of man, and his disciples, those closest to him. People devote their faith and their lives to the word of God. Don’t you think keeping the language and the context would be important? Learn the language, learn the context if you want to follow. I mean really, are you gonna go up to God and be like “Um God? When you say “booty” do you mean like treasure or that thing I tell mah womens to ‘shake dat’?”

Yet here in American politics, something that every citizen should be involved with and be able to follow clearly because it effects how our country runs, we hold dear to such archaic words and phrases as “pork-barrell”, “windfall”, “earmark”, and “filibuster”. I never hear those words outside of politics. It would be so much more appropriate to update the language of politics to reflect a more modern understanding don’t ya think?

But nope…Word of God – yep, make sure it’s diluted. Politics – Hey if it was good enough for GW 200 years ago it’s good enough for us today!

Am I the only one who sees an issue with that? And hell I am not even religious!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

@Spin, I now you are not getting soap-boxy. :) I can absolutely understand translating for better understanding but to replace a word because in today’s “modern” society the meaning of a slang word (booty) could be misinterpreted despite the context? :p

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I used to have a friend with a dog whom he had named “Moreover”, after the Bible character…

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

is ‘junk in the trunk’ a biblical term?

and for Mr. Pilot:
>earmark – what’s on your memory foam pillow if you sleep on your side
>pork barrel – similar to bucket of kittens, but with pigs 10/10/30/sanity-you-just-know-it-when-yo u-see-it/
>windfall – if you live in the tornado belt, this needs no explanation. If you lived in a mobile home in the tornado belt…well…you understand why I chose PAST TENSE :(
>filibuster – yeah…that’s just way outdated. I think it’s what the man who wears the star use to do to your car. A LOOOOOOOONG time ago: and you’d say, “Thanks, Buster!” Back when gas prices were in the double digits. You know, like they are in Kuwait now 😉

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Ifly, I’m waiting for the Committee to turn its attention to Moby Dick.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Bible | Charlie Sheen | Christian | humor | language | religion

for some reason, that group of key words just cracks me up.

Almost as good as my all time favorite MPAA rating: “Rated R for graphic crude and sexual humor, violent images and strong language – all involving puppets”

name that movie anyone???

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

@GeorgioPeach – Team America?

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@ifly – hats off for your translation, great comment! LIKE! (Thumbs Up!)

What about this passage:
“And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, until thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.”

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

This aint fair… I cant participate in these witty retorts… I never read the Bible!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Dave – we have a winner!!!!

I wonder if Matt & Trey could give Gaddafi the same send up they gave Kim Jong Il? I’ve not been able to look at that man since without laughing hysterically! “I’m so ronery…so ronery…so ronery and sadry arone”

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

As long as they don’t get rid of the smiting. I love a good smiting.

Posted by knit_nurse | Report as abusive

Not to worry, Nurse. As long as there’s an Old Testament, there will always be smiting.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@Malteser, after much consideration it was decided that passage would be left as is but a response would be added from Peter that would read “Dude I have no idea what that’s all about but OMG you said c**k LOLZ!”

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

The cock passage quoted by Malteser plays an important role in a short story by Anton Pavolich Chekhov, usually translated as “The Student.” I read that story every Maundy Thursday.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Okay, I can’t come up with any puns today, and I am really messed by the Paul Bunyan thing. It’s the trinity: Paul and his son, no problemo I get that (though Mrs. Paul, that’s sort of fishy and I can’t come up with any explanation that sticks) but what now the Holy Ghost?

Also BG, if you got mail on buxom, you are going to be up to your booty on this one.

Posted by ARJTurgot2 | Report as abusive

No points for “Mrs. Paul”, “fish”, “sticks”?

Maybe the meaning changes across generations…

Posted by ARJTurgot2 | Report as abusive