No booty here, and that’s the gospel!
Check it out. A new edition of the Bible, available tomorrow, is replacing words such as “booty” and “holocaust” to “better reflect modern understanding.”
I am not making this up.
“Holocaust” is being changed to “burnt offerings,” so that readers who are easily confused won’t think the Bible is talking about the 1940s Holocaust.
Among other changes, the word “booty,” which now has a sexual connotation, will become “spoils of war.”
Our FaithWorld Blog says this new edition is the outcome of a 17-year project by a committee. I like to think it took so long because the committee got really carried away making endless lists of other words for “booty.”
But what our story doesn’t reveal is that this is just the first wave of updates.
Even more dramatic substitutions are on their way, according to memos which my staff researchers got from the committee’s wastebasket.
We have learned that in future revisions of the Bible:
- “fatted calf” will be changed to “lunch meat”
- “commandments” will become “action points”
- “heaven” will be called “Fort Lauderdale”
- “sin” will be changed to “shenanigans”
- “eternal damnation” will become “forced to listen to Charlie Sheen”
- And in perhaps the most dramatic change of all, “God” will become “Paul Bunyan”
If you want a copy of the new booty-free edition the release date is tomorrow, so get in line.
Personally, I plan to just stick with the traditional Booty Bible. That’s the truth, so help me Bunyan…
Top: An altar boy takes the Bible out for the World Youth Day’s opening mass in Sydney July 15, 2008. REUTERS/Daniel Munoz
Right: An unidentified woman poses with a wax figure of entertainer Jennifer Lopez at Madame Tussaud’s museum in New York, May 21, 2003. As part of ceremonies marking the unveiling of the Lopez model the museum hosted a “booty call” contest where entrants were supposed to compare their backsides with that of “J Lo”. REUTERS/Peter Morgan
Right: U.S. actor Charlie Sheen is pictured in this handout photo released by the Aspen Police Department on December 25, 2009. Sheen, 44, was arrested on Friday for second degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief. REUTERS/Aspen Police Department/Handout
Left: Cover of a Paul Bunyan book.