The best TV crime show on the heir?

April 4, 2011

crime queen this 490

Okay, you know why we’re here. We owe the network one more high-concept police procedural to match our earlier hits, “Police Pope” and “Monkey See, Monkey Blue.”

crime queen 240So who’s got an idea for us to pitch? Lamar?

Well Boss, the public just can’t get enough of those crime scene  forensic science shows.

Right Lamar, but they’ve all been done. Every possible gimmick has been used already.

All but one, Boss. Picture it.There’s a grisly murder in foggy London, Scotland Yard is totally baffled, and who do they call in? The Queen of England!

So the actual queen is a detective, Lamar?

Stay with me, Boss. We call it “Crime Scene Queen!” She’s regal, and she’s legal…

crime queen crop 240

See, she carries all her detection stuff in that big pocketbook, and she has those corgi dogs to sniff out clues.

I love it, Lamar! What kind of gun does she carry?

Oh, the queen doesn’t need a gun, Boss. She knows judo.

Wow! Could she use nunchucks, too?

Nunchucks? That’s a bit hard to believe, Boss. Let’s keep it real.


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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is shown students examining a mock murder scene in a classroom, during a visit to City and Islington College, in north London March 30, 2011. REUTERS/John Stillwell/Pool

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This is when we find out that the Queen and Jane Marple were roomies in public school.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

“She’s regal, and she’s legal..” does not sound like the tag line to a murder/mystery show.

But anyway…Dave you read Encylopedia Brown also? Dude how awesome were those books? The real question though is who do you think would win a nunchuck fight between HRH and EB? 😀

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Oh, I thought that was her and Agatha Christie in high school, Doc…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Hmm… potential show titles could include:
UKPD Royal Blue
Murder she ruled
Law and Order and Tiaras
Corgi and Lacey
CSI: Buckingham Palace

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

They really should have cleaned that place before her visit. What a mess of a room is that? How can you invite HRH when you haven’t cleaned up the Bloody Mary stains from off the carpet??

Students these days…

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Exactly, Nosmo! Tell me this wouldn’t be a mega-hit!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Murder She Ruled gets my vote…
…but then again, how about “DragQueen,” which could have some really interesting guest stars.

“Lords and ladies, the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changes to protect the royual heirarchy.”

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

The Encyclopedia Brown series was in the Bookmobile that stopped near our farm. So was “The Three Investigators” series.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

My vote goes to CSI: Buckingham Palace.
I would watch it in place of CSI: Miami…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Is this wedding making Queen miss her school days? 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Gosh, you’re all sharp for a Monday morning (our time)! Is anybody old enough to remember Nancy Drew? Not the bleached tv version. I refer to the raw visceral prose of Carolyn Keene. “Ghost of Blackwood Hall” was my fave. Somebody humour me and name Nancy’s two gal-pals.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

In my opinion, the only crime in that scene is that Mad Hatter look the queen’s got going on. In fact, it’s messing so much with my sensibilities that I had to end a sentence with a preposition.

@Lady -Ooh, ooh! Pick me! George and Bess! Is there a prize?

@Doc and Ifly – Encyclopedia Brown is the best. I failed so many time to figure out they never could have seen the thief because the popped hood was blocking the view through the windshield.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Are we sure that this is a mock murder scene? I think the dude in the blue tie is handcuffed, and has the same blank, shocked look on his face as other perps I’ve seen.

In other news, someone needs to tell #7 there to stop drinking her lunch.
Why do they have to number their workers, anyway? Wouldn’t nametags be more convenient?

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

YES, the clever girl in the second row! Sarabelle, Nancy’s pals were indeed George and Bess. (In hindsight, do you think George had a crush on Nancy?)

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

Moonshine – Love DragQueen. Also, I’m glad I’m not the only one old enough to get that one.

Ladylala – Sorry, I was in to the Hardy Boys, not Nancy Drew. (Of I got a bit older, Nancy did become more interesting…)

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

I’m afraid I’m with inebgreen, ladylala. as a male guy, I had to opt for the hardy boys, and I read all of them, even after they started under-age drinking, frequenting hookers and shaking down fruit stand owners for cash…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Two questions:

1. Which song from The Who will open this show?

2. What role would Kate Middleton play?

Posted by skeres | Report as abusive

Carolyn Keene is a pseudonym. Most, if not all, of the ND Mysteries were ghostwritten. Years ago, I met the woman who wrote some of them. I seem to recall that she wrote the first one. I can’t remember her name, where we met, or when we met. I do remember that she was a very nice lady, very proper.

As for a name: “The Queen’s Own Files”?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Or maybe Ellery Queen, unless somebody has already used that name…

Yes, Carolyn Keene probably was a pseudonym. In those days, publishers often created an author’s name for series such as these, so if one writer got uppity he/she could easily be replaced by another one.

Do you remember the Hardy Boys’ father was Fenton Hardy. Talk about a name that never caught on. Maybe I’ll replace Lamar with a character named Fenton for a while….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

How nice. Someone picked a nice clean college classroom to commit a murder, rather than your more realistic meth-lab backyard crime scene amongst the rotted hulks of washing machines and torn down automobiles.

But maybe I’m just being cynical.

@Nosmo – don’t forget Royal Bones (or Royal Boneheads) and Her Majesty, PI.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

I vote for Corgi and Lacey, and I loved The Three Investigators. :)

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

And, if you remember Tom Swift (same era), we could work in some Tome Swifties, like “Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess,” the Queen began grimly.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

@skeres – Maybe The Kids Are Alright? Or possibly Pictures Of Lilly? Probably not See Me Feel Me.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

The Queen needs a sidekick: The Hardy Boys had each other. Sherlock Holmes had Watson, Poirot had Captain Hastings, Poe’s Dupin had . . . someone. (“Murders in the Rue Morgue,” “The Puroined Letter,” “The Mystery of Marie Roget.”)

Perhaps Prince Charles could be the Queen’s sidekick. His view on the facts could be helpful. He could serve as the narrator. He could even have a spin-off, named “Charlie’s Angles.”

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Doc, did you intentionally use Angles instead of Angels? I almost edited it for you, but you’re a crafty one…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@Spin, my apologies. Dunno why I thought of Dave. I believe I was only two sips into my coffee when I made the comment so my brain wasn’t fully awake yet. Although one could wonder why I was thinking of Dave…hmmm…

I kid. Dave, you are swell and all but Imma stick with the VS models. :p

So Spin I present the question to you then, who would win a nunchuck fight, HRH or EB?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

See, this is the kind of exciting philosophical discussion you can’t find in those other analysis and opinion columns, the ones just aimed at smart people…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I used to have a crush on one of the Hardy Boys, but I can’t remember which one, or what either of them were called. Or maybe it was one of the Three Investigators. Who was the one with the green chalk?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Lady – Agreed. You’d think Nancy would’ve figured out that mystery along the way.

I read all the Hardy Boys books too, mostly to decide which one I wanted to date.

BG – I’m sure we all appreciate the “just” qualifier.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

Even better, who would win in a nun/chuck fight.
Consider: vs.

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

I figured you would, sarabelle…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Hmm, I guess I set myself up for that.

Posted by sarabelle | Report as abusive

I like Corgi and Lacey.

One time, security staged a scenario where I worked to see how well the employees would respond, how quickly they would exit, meet in the proper area and all that. Guess who (not part of the theme song question, although would “A Legal Matter” work?)was in the damaged area and was the dead person? Figured as long as I was dead, I’d sit on the floor under my desk. Should have had my lunch there…

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Kate Middleton as the quirky yet lovable technician!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Tonight’s program sponsored by: “Heir Apparent” – hair replacement so real, no one will have a clue.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

@ Doc and Mr B: Yes, of course, Carolyn Keene was a pseudonym. Did you two really think I was too delusional to tell fact from fiction? I’ll have you know my relationship with Lamar, if nothing else, has heightened my mental translucence. In fact, my Lamar often compliments me on my sheer this or transparent that.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

Crowgirl – If memory serves, it was Frank and Joe Hardy.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

Very good. And their friends were Chet and Biff, and their aunt was Gertrude. And their father was Lamar or Fenton or whatever….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!
I LOVED Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, when I was growing up.. think I started reading those books when I was 8-9… oh, and I loved Enid Blyton’s Mallory Towers and wanted to come to stay in boarding school in England…
and then I wanted to be a sleuth with Famous Five…

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

As a spin-off, we could see Katie as a Nancy Drew like chararcter, with her soon-to-be husband as one of three crime fighting royal brothers, maybe with Prince Philip as the grumpy head of the household.

You could call it All In The Family.

Or is that just a little too close to the truth?

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Wow, I’m having a hard time letting go of this post because it’s bringing back great memories. Shra, I too read Enid Blyton’s books: the “Aventure of…” series. Remember these kids and their attractive widowed mom and then Ned, this kinda creepy man who hung around ogling the mom and “smiling mischievously”?

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

You’re thinking of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” ladylala…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Boy is my face red! I thought that was “Tequila Mockingbird”! No wonder the librarians laughed.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Wrong, Mr B, I wasn’t thinking of “To Kill a Mockingbird”. But I’m not a harper so I’ll give you some lee-way.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

Lol! Doc, you are too clever for that…
Lady, I actually think I am gonna raid my library for all the Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys I can get…that is after I finish reading the fantasy series I got myself into…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive