Stilettos making a comeback?

April 8, 2011

I just can’t make up stuff like this. I sure wish I could, but I can’t.

switchblade book 320Maine lawmakers have approved legalizing switchblades for people with one arm.

Our story says this will keep one-armed people from having to open folding knives with their teeth in emergencies. Really.

Do we need this law? There are scarcely over a million people living in Maine. How many of them could be one-armed?

Lord help me, I’m tempted to say only a handful.

No offense to one-armed Mainers at all, but if they need to use a knife at home they can open the drawer and take one out, just like people with numerous arms would do, right?

switchblade book vertical 300So now we’ve reduced the pool of impacted parties to one-armed Maine residents who are away from home and having some kind of knife emergency.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know what a knife emergency is. Are we talking about a sudden, overwhelming urge to whittle?

Frankly, I worry that this new law could lead to “West Side Story” sort of rumbles between woodsy one-armed hoodlums outside the L.L. Bean headquarters up there.

Oops, sorry, I’m going to have to interrupt this train of thought for a moment. It turns out, some Radio Shacks in Idaho and Montana are offering free guns to first-time subscribers of satellite TV services….

Like I said, I just can’t make up stuff like this. I sure wish I could, but I can’t….

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Photos: Covers of books about switchblade knives

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25 comments

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You have fooled me with a title for the last time!
I was so eager to see some beautiful stilletos!!!
Now, all I have to see is maimed Mainers mannering their would-be maimers…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Well, if dumbasses can get you money…

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

That’s why I love this blog, I can always count on it for cutting edge news and commentary.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

These lawmakers seem very behind the times. Now available are spring-assisted folding knives (these are not “switchblade knives”) with a knob on the blade. They are very easy to open with one hand. You use your thumb to push open the blade. A switch allows you to fold the knife closed. I carry one at the farm.

Now, to note how truly pathetic the U.S. Congress is, if one examines the Individuals with Disabilities Education Improvement Act (IDEIA) (ei-ei-o), one finds that a special-education student who brings a knife to school can be removed to an “interim alternative setting” (read “expulsion with the provision of services”) for 45 days, but only if the knife has a blade 2.5 inches long or longer. Sheesh.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Really? I have one word; lobsters. Do you know how many tens of people each year get owies in Maine from lobster accidents? Lobsters have big claws ya know! Without the quick action of a switchblade how would people with one arm defend themselves from rogue lobsters out for revenge against those who boiled their brothers? Didn’t think of that did ya?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Spin, okay, I’ll bite. Where are they going to buy their switchblades? Can not the store carry spring-assisted rather than switchblade knives?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Why legalize switchblades when a blowtorch could do just as well if not better in any kind of emergency?

Trapped in your car on railroad tracks with a train approaching? – Blowtorch the seatbelt and you’re free!

Approached by a gang of ne’er-do-wells in a dark alley while “going to the store for some milk”? – A blowtorch will deter them!!

Piece of steak stuck in your teeth after dinner? – A blowtorch will teach that piece of steak a lesson!

The only thing a knife can do that a blowtorch can’t is spread peanut butter…but I’m sure I could find a way to do it eventually.

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

Wait, Spin. Doesn’t the word “rethink” imply they thought about it once already?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

JustK, I need my knife to make fire with my flint fire striker. If I had a blowtorch instead of a knife, how could I possibly get a fire started?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I like your “rethink,” Blog Guy. My father-in-law was a knife maker – a very good one. He made his folding knives with a “thumb bob,” so no need for any spring assist. My (two-armed) husband has no trouble opening one of Fritzie’s knives one handed. Those one-armed Maine-liners must have additional handicaps. Oops, how non-PC of me…they must have other-than-physical challenges.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Now all the one-armed folks in Idaho and Montana are going to be demanding sawed-off shotguns…

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

Hey there – wait a second – not all of us in Idaho are card carrying NRA members. Watch the blanket statements, Jazz!

Posted by IdahoVandal | Report as abusive

JustK – Use the blowtorch to heat the peanut butter, when it gets liquid(y) you can pour it on the bread.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

Gambling already being legal in Maine, do they really need a profileration of more one-armed bandits?

What do you call soemone who comes from Maine anyway?
Mainliner?
Maintainer?
Maniac?
With the passing of this law, I’m going with ‘Sir’.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Okay inbegreen, now you’ve done it.

To protect myself legally, I must warn readers that this is not a recommended method of putting peanut butter on bread, and should only be attempted by professionals in an approved facility.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

How does a one-armed man count change?

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

RB – Approved “Facility”? Is that another way of saying Institution? Does it matter if it is voluntary or involuntary commitment? I want to make sure I’m covered.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

@Spin: I’m currently working on a “minitorch” version of my handy dandy blowtorch. It’s perfect for slipping into your pocket/purse/fanny pack for those emergency blowtorch situations on the go. I’ll let you be one of my guinea pigs…er….test dummies….er….valued first time customers?

@Doc: I’d wager that if you used the blowtorch to superheat the flint, you might eventually catch nearby grass and branches on fire…but I’m only speculating here.

@inebreen: Brilliant! The molten peanut butter might even toast the bread a little…an added bonus!

Disclaimer: Do not try any of the things I ever post about at home. These tricks/stunts/bad ideas are only to be attempted by hillbilly Texan housewives that live in the boonies and are only at risk of burning down their doublewide trailers…i.e. “JustK”. If you choose to do anything that you’ve read on this blog, I am not to be held responsible in any way for your stupidity. Yadda yadda yadda….don’t be an idiot and then try to sue me.

Thanks ya’ll!

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

@Shra: if you can get a stiletto (knife) built into your stiletto (shoes), you’d have a James Bond chic or Emma Peel thing going for you! Also very handy for picking up trash on the sidewalk…

@Spin: swithcblade + blowtorch = shishkabob!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Spin, you can get mini blowtorches. A friend of mine gave me one in case I ever needed “to make creme brulee in the field”.

Do people with one arm not have the option of having attachments fitted as prosthetics?

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

@CrowGirl – that would make them all look like Inspector Gadget, if you know what I mean!

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Go Go Gadget Switchblade!

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

How does a one-armed man count change? The joke teller shows, by cupping one hand and sticking a finger on the other hand through his fly and into his cupped hand.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

[...] 10. Stilettos making a comeback? [...]

[...] Utah and Arizona vote to create official state firearms. Meanwhile, lawmakers in Maine voted to legalize switchblade knives, but only for one-armed [...]

I am amazed at the stupidity of comments that I see here in relations to people with disabilities. Clearly, according to the author, individuals with one arm should just stay home and never plan on assisting anyone – EVER!

I cannot tell you the times I have used my knife in the assistance of another human being, not counting the half dozen seat belts I have cut to assist people out of their vehicle. (apparently the only emergency that disabled people can have is a sudden urge to whittle)

Knives are like guns, you never need one until you need one badly

Posted by shigles | Report as abusive