Why is there garlic on our ceiling, Honey?

June 21, 2011

Hey Blog Guy, I know you love to cook and sometimes share culinary secrets.

Do you have a good recipe for homemade pesto? It’s the BEST sauce with fresh linguine!

I spoke to an Italian chef, and I think I can help you out. You’ll need a butt-load of fresh basil, some parmesan, pine nuts, garlic and olive oil. I’m going to make a trial batch in my own kitchen while I write this.

I really appreciate it, Blog Guy. Okay, then what?

Now, the chef said the key to pulverizing the basil properly is, you need a mortar and pistol.

Excuse me? I need a piece of army field artillery and a handgun?

It surprised me, too. I was able to find my mortar at a rebel gun show in Libya. I thought it was strange that even Williams-Sonoma doesn’t sell a mortar and pistol combo. Seems like they’re missing a good opportunity.

Anyway, I’m loading all the basil and other ingredients into the mortar on my kitchen counter top right now.

So now I’m dropping in the mortar round…

STOP, Blog Guy! I’m pretty sure the chef said MORTAR and PESTLE! You know, the big stone grinding kitchen tool you use for making guacamole!

Oh. Well. Don’t I feel stupid! Do you know anybody who can replace an entire ceiling before my wife gets home from work?

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Top left: Mortar and pestle and pesto

Left: A rebel fighter holds an 81mm illumination mortar shell, that he claims belonged to Gaddafi’s forces, on the frontline along the western entrance of Ajdabiyah April 14, 2011. REUTERS/Amr Abdallah Dalsh

Right: Hollywood actress Milla Jovovich poses for photographers at a news conference in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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21 comments

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Hmmmm, That’s REAL interesting that he would be holding an American (or British) mortar round. Everyone knows (well, at least my horticulturist’s therapist knows) the best thing for crushing garlic and spice and everything nice is the tread of an M1-Tank, and here you can see the South Koreans putting that into practice: http://blogs.reuters.com/oddly-enough/20 11/06/15/shooting-blanks-from-some-hidde n-tanks

Anyway, I’m digging Milla. Thanks BG!

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@Dave_not_dave: You’re digging Milla or her gun, Dave? I’d say both! :P

Mortar pic: the mortar says 81 mm ILLUM, which, in Maltese can mean that there was 81 mm (of rain?) today. ILLUM is today in Maltese! For a minute, I thought I was seeing Maltese writing on that mortar…

Oh, what’s that electric sound I hear in the distance…Shra, is that you?

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

If you mishandle an ordinary mortar and pestle, the result may be explosive diarrhea.
With the ‘blog guy special’ version, the entire restuarnt is in trouble.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

It is indeed, Malt…
You guys just make my day!!!
Zapppp!!!

Spin, hows this for an amateur haiku

Malt makes a mistake again
and goes on to teach Maltese now!
Time to zap, I say!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

You pasted it this time, RB. :D

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

@Amlt – digging Milla. The gun doesn’t look real. Watch out for Shra, she’s zap-happy. :-D

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Wait, on the mortar …

Is that a Star of David holding an open parachute?

I sense a conspiracy here!

Posted by skeres | Report as abusive

And for absolutely perfect linguine you can cook it in a small nuclear reactor and have two big, matching holes in your ceiling.

Posted by slick10 | Report as abusive

Dave, whatever happened to “Ahhhh, classic. Hold the pistol right-handed, aim with left eye. I’ve met maybe two people who could actually shoot that way – everyone else who tries it can’t understand why they can’t hit the side of a barn from 25 m. Aaaaaany way….” You were too busy digging Milla this time to notice, I’m sure.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Milla winks at gun
The Element is Fifth one
Doesn’t need the gun.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

It’s Milla with the new Popeil Pesto Pistol! As Seen On TV, a shot of real basil flavor in every round. Though it is kind of hard on the dinner plates…

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

is the guy holding the mortar pointing with that finger or making a statement?

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Hey Blog Guy, I bet there’s no vampires within 100 yards of your house.

Posted by SkimpyDog | Report as abusive

Yes, Peach,
To me, that be a statement. :)

I’m here with my mortal and pizzle, cooking away. I have my basil along with the pizzle, but gee, I don’t know exactly how much a buttload is, or whether I should choose mortar round or ground round. BG?

Posted by flamenquito | Report as abusive

@Moon – you got it. She can shoot any way she darn well pleases. However, I get the feeling that you are trying to set me up to be zapped again, by implying you learned something….

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@Dave – yes indeed. Milla can pesto-whip me anytime she wants.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Now THIS is my kinda post! Mmmm pesto! Mmmmm food! Mmmm eating!!

:P

E.

Posted by egeria | Report as abusive

@Dave, she is not cross-aiming. She is winking at you. And in that split second of the wink is your chance to disarm and….subdue her. ;)

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

There is a lot of underlying drooling going on here…
Milla, the garlic isnt working..

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Onedoor…and with every Pesto Pistol purchased, get the new and improved Popeil Pocket Fisherman. Ah, I thought everyone had forgotten those days!

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Hats off for @Spin for the zap-dodging above… back at you zapper! :P

Nice ‘haiku’ @Shra… hehehe

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive