Five great tips for keeping in shape

July 13, 2011

Blog Guy, you seem to have lost some weight, judging from your blog profile photo, and it looks like you’re working out, as well. Please share some health and fitness tips with your readers.

Okay. The first thing is to figure out what you should weigh. There are plenty of free online tools for calculating your Body Mass Index, which is a simple function of your height and weight.

Now, this is important to know. By BMI standards, nearly everyone on earth shows up as morbidly obese.

Ouch. Is there any way around that?

Yes. I told the calculator I was 7’11” tall, and suddenly it said I weighed too LITTLE! I got fried chicken and cheesecake for dinner, baby!

Wow, that’s very useful  to know. My doctor says I also need to lose five inches from around my waist. That’s going to be tough.

Not to worry. Many novelty shops sell elastic tape measures. Just take one with you on your next check-up.

This is great stuff! I’m supposed to be using my treadmill at home. What speed should I set it on?

Set the speed pretty low. If you go faster than two miles an hour, your ashtray may fall off.

I need to build my upper body muscles with Nautilus equipment. Any tips for that?

Of course. You know that little metal peg you put in the hole on each machine, to regulate the weight? I find my workout goes a lot faster if I don’t use that thing at all.

Cool. One more thing, please. A personal trainer said I should shout out encouraging slogans to push myself, like, “You have the power, unleash it!” Does that help?

It can, but don’t overdo the gusto or your potato chips could fly out of your mouth.

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Top: A man lifts weights made of rusty car parts at an improvised gym in Caracas June 16, 2011. REUTERS/Carlos Garcia Rawlins

Right: A man works out in a local government-run club in Sanaa June 26, 2011. REUTERS/Suhaib Salem

Left: U.S. first lady Michelle Obama does push-ups with Archbishop Desmond Tutu as they participate in youth activities raising awareness for HIV prevention, at Cape Town Stadium in Cape Town, South Africa, June 23, 2011. REUTERS/Charles Dharapak/Pool

Bottom left: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth watches students study fitness tests in action, as people ride static bikes in a classroom, during a visit to City and Islington College, in north London March 30, 2011. REUTERS/John Stillwell/Pool

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BG, this blog post is incomplete. For the ladies who are undertall, we need some photos of SHOOOOOOOESS 😀

now that I have your workout tips, I’m sure my exercise routine will really give me some results. (But I’m NOT saying that I learned anything)

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

I just love the phrase: “I’m in shape – round is shape.” It kind of motivates my efforts at fitness.

Though to be honest I’m not round as such, I just have a small muffin area that needs to disappear. I’ll probably get HRH to watch me while I’m on the treadmill… that would probably help, at least I’d turn the damn thing on!

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

I would do the exact opposite, Malt.
If anyone was staring down at me while I am exercising, I would either quitely turn the machine off and bolt. Or give them The Look, which would, of course, make them bolt.

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Would you use the zapper in tandem with “The Look”?

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Our dear friend Dave has an excellent workout plan. It involves stumping around a hot sandy place, wearing a kevlar vest while carry a 30-pound patrol pack. For the aerobics section, they do the same thing, but run through a minefield, very, very fast.
As a warm-down, well those goats don’t herd themselves, you know.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Lo, that was funny Spin..
I keep getting emails from my gym to get a personal trainer and I always delete them..
I so dont want someone fitter than me pushing me about, and with my permission at that!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Hey BG,

I don’t smoke. What am I going to do with that ashtray on my treadmill?

Posted by skeres | Report as abusive

@Skeres – I suggest you use it as a candy dish.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

@Skeres – Maybe you could use it as a coaster for your beer.

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

“Ashtray may fall off…” – NICE!! The orthodox methods of training, which I actually know as a trainer, are just so inconvenient for many.

Why not use other methods?
– The declaring super-height method is genius!
– Smoking is a proven weight-loss method.
– Along with Nosmo’s great technique, I recommend being loose in a cage with alligators – it gets the heart rate up, and alleviates boredom effectively.
– Just hang around larger people.

Posted by flamenquito | Report as abusive

As a “rotund” individual, I am offended by these images of people getting in shape. I will now form a coalition of fatties to outlaw all forms of exercise and ban all exercise equipment. Fear me.


Now, back to my cookies…..

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

Pfft. I’m from East Texas…where dewberry cobbler and ice cream are a staple (as long as the deer don’t eat the berries before your kids can get around to picking them) and everybody’s favorite part of a steak is the fat. 😉

I’ll tell you what’s my current favorite fatty food though…something my husband and I picked up from New Mexico….and that’s green chili covered breakfast burritos. Man ALIVE!! You wanna talk about something that is absolutely yummified! As a matter of fact…I think we’ll have to have some for supper tonight. Yee doggies! *insert knee slap here*

Posted by justK | Report as abusive

green chilli mmmmm the best on a cheese burger as for that pesky ash tray all the better to hold and condiments for that burger and a side of tots.(once it is properly scrubbed up who needs any of that nasty tar and nicotine ruining a burger delux and tasty side.

Posted by Wheelz2 | Report as abusive

I don’t smoke, so I’ve removed that nasty ashtray and replaced it with a second cup holder.

Depending on the time of day, it has various uses: morning is for crullers (gotta fuel the machine so I can keep running!); for later in the day, either churros (once again, for energy) or maybe a margarita (to replenish the electrolytes).

I really enjoy running…I don’t understand why those stubborn pounds keep sticking with me 😉

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

@justK, I gained three pounds just from reading that.

@Wheelz2, mmmmmmmm….tots. Call them “hash browns” and they become breakfast food! 😀

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Man, oh man! And now my two slices of toasted brown bread with Flora Light dont seem like a breakfast at all!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

That Queen one always makes me laugh….like she’s *really* going to get a turn. 😀

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

[…] Guy, so we’ve established that you lost some weight recently. I found your health tips helpful, but could you be more specific about what you […]

Posted by Eating healthy for peanuts? | Oddly Enough Blog | Report as abusive