Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?
Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.
This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.
Really? Good to know.
Look Honey, the Petersons are on heavy-duty Prozac! Think they’ll notice I replaced ‘em with aspirin?
No Dear, but judging from Judy’s diary, try not to mention herpes or the Dutch…
Our columnist must have had very bad experiences with locust-like house guests, advising: “Bring your own toiletries…”
Not even the best vacation visit is confined entirely to the bathroom, and eventually our columnist gets to the kitchen.
She advises: “Anytime you see a chance to help the host, do offer-but be specific. ‘I’ll peel the carrots…’”
Carrots? WHAT carrots? Where the HELL did these carrots come from, and why are they in my doughnut drawer?
The useful advice continues, but again she’s back in the bathroom: “…don’t leave the toilet seat up.”
During a visit, hosts and guests should “negotiate the schedule,” saying stuff like, “Saturday sounds perfect to go out on the boat.”
HUH? Suddenly we have a BOAT? Why are these total losers staying with us if we have a boat?
Finally, as is always the case in every etiquette column, somebody has to give somebody a gift.
“To choose the perfect gift for your host, think about what they like. Look around the house…”
Oh, I get it. We can’t snoop, but “looking around the house” is just fine. Wink.
“What’s their style? Are they in need of anything for the kitchen?” our column asks.
No, we’re good in the kitchen, thanks, but we’d like it if you could return our fricking bath towels and our toilet seat…
Top: A swimmer dressed as a toilet waits to enter the waters of English Bay during the 90th annual Polar Bear Swim in Vancouver, British Columbia, January 1, 2010. REUTERS/Andy Clark
Left: A Russian army soldier peels a carrot with his belt buckle in a 1993 file photo. REUTERS/Viktor Korotayev
Right: “Freight Train”, the unofficial mascot at the 2007 Summer Redneck Games, mugs for the crowd with a toilet seat used for the “redneck horse shoe toss” in East Dublin, Georgia, July 7, 2007. REUTERS/Tami Chappell
Bottom left: Max Baer, Jr., as Jethro Clampett