It’s only art, what’s the worst that can happen?

August 4, 2011

Here’s an actual true news item. Unionized art handlers have been picketing outside Sotheby’s after the auction house locked them out following a drawn-out contract dispute.

With the big fall auction season just a month away, the art handlers have been replaced by temps. Not surprisingly, the union says the temporary workers have had inferior training.

* * * * * *

Hey pal, you must be the new poorly trained temporary handler of priceless art, right?

Yeah, you can call me Lamar. Put ‘er there… Oops, well that vase was probably chipped anyway, right?

Yeah, nothing a little Crazy Glue won’t fix, Lamar. So, there’s no real training here, we just kind of fix stuff up so they can get more for it at the auctions.

Okie dokie. I’m guessing all this art is used, right?

Yeah, it’s like a big yard sale.

They got any paint around here? I can make that chick’s you-know-what look a lot better, you know what I’m saying? I guess that Picasso guy didn’t get out much with the ladies…

Go for it, Lamar, but first see if you can do something about this Rembrandt painting. It’s way too dark.

Sure. A little Easy-Off Oven Cleaner, that’ll be as bright as new! Oh crap! Was this statue already missing an arm?

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Top: The painting “La Lecture” by artist Pablo Picasso is displayed at Sotheby’s auction house in Paris, January 19, 2011. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Right: Painting by the artist Rembrandt van Rijn, “Portrait of a Bearded Man in a Red Coat,” was auctioned by Sotheby’s in New York in 1998 for $9.1 million. REUTERS/Handout

Bottom right: A bronze statue of Greek god Zeus in in Rome, November 19, 2010. The bronze statue of Zeus, stolen from a Roman museum in 1988, was traced after appearing in a Sotheby’s auction catalogue in 2006, police said. REUTERS/Remo Casilli

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I wonder what kinda dougnuts ol’ Pablo was eating when he painted that?

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

Now, to be honest, I like landscapes, .. Sometimes, I like to think that they have deep mystical meaning to them…
And that is when I know I am late for my dose of medidoughnuts…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Modern Art escapes me.. I simply dont understand why people would spill out millions for a painting which could have been made by a child or lacking that, someone like me, who hardly knows how to draw…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Shra: Oh, no you don’t; you’re not going to get me to explain the nuances of Modern Art, its history, and its meaning. I’m staying away from that zapper!

Posted by skeres | Report as abusive

Yeah, it scares me to think about all that can go wrong with this idea.

Lamar, hurry! The auction is underway! You’ve gotta take this huge auction hammer to the auctioneer, pronto!

Cut through the antique porcelain room, past the limoges gallery and left at the priceless faberge eggs! Run!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Picasso actually did make the rounds quite a lot. That painting was actually produced with one hand while he was otherwise occupied, so that may explain the style.

But gee, I just don’t really like art. It just looks… so… old? I thought if I popped the arm off it would fit better into the trunk. Why are they yelling at me?

Posted by flamenquito | Report as abusive

How come nobody is paying $9.1M for polaroid photos? They look much more realistic, but still have a kind of antique look to them.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@BG: I like the “lomg drawn-out contract.” Did they draw it with crayons and then do the fine print with a teeny point technical pen?

Yeah, I like art! Wanna make somethin’ of it?

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Art was always more fun than spelling…

As long as they let me draw my own lines to stay inside of:)

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

@Onedoor, yeah I wanna make something of it! I wanna make millions! You do the art thing, I will be your agent. Deal?

Hey Mr. B. can you classify the next VS model blog as “art” so that way there doesn’t have to be any rectangles? Otherwise someone had better get going with the MS Paint on that Picasso up there!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

ifly, you read my mind. I was going to comment on the fact that there are no salmon bars on the first painting…

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

@ifly: I said I like art – not that I was good creating any. If you can make millions on my art, I am definitely in!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive