You’re lacking in your hacking!

August 17, 2011

Lamar, get in my office!

What’s up, Boss?

Look, you’ve had enough time! I told you if you want to make it in journalism, you need to hack into some voice messages, and I want to see what you’ve got. We’re on deadline!

I think you’ll be pretty happy, Boss. Look at this one. “It’s me. Pick up tuna fish and vodka on the way home.”

That’s not very much to go with, Lamar.

Oh, I’ve got more, Boss. “This is Mom, why don’t you ever call?”

I guess that’s a little better. What else?

“I know you’re there, I just saw your schnauzer take a dump in my driveway!”

Don’t you have something better than that, Lamar?

I sure do. “This is the doctor’s office. It looks like your gonorrhea is spreading after all.”

Ewww! Lamar, whose voice mail did you hack, anyway?

My own, Boss! I had to find my PIN and everything!

Lamar! You’re fired! Leave! Oh, and don’t use the men’s room on your way out….

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News Corp Chief Executive and Chairman Rupert Murdoch arrives to attend a parliamentary committee hearing at Portcullis House in London July 19, 2011. Murdoch and his son James are to face questions from parliament on Tuesday in a phone-hacking scandal that has rocked Britain’s establishment right up to Prime Minister David Cameron. REUTERS/Andrew Winning

The last edition of News of the World newspaper goes on sale alongside other British Sunday newspapers in London July 9, 2011. The final edition of the newspaper engulfed in a phone-hacking scandal was published on Sunday as Rupert Murdoch headed to London to try to save the bigger prize of his takeover of the British broadcaster BSkyB. REUTERS/Paul Hackett

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Yeah, that’s right! Leave the illegal wire-tapping to the professionals.
You know, all those gummint agencies with three letter names, like the ACF, the GPO, and the HHS.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

There just aren’t enough cream pies out there…

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

Mr B, were I not a lady I would call you a slanderous viper. How dare you imply my Lamar has an STD. If you look at his left hand you will see the purity ring his mother gave him. Or at least the tan line. I demand a retraction, sir.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

If someone would like to hack my messages and let me know what they say, I’d be grateful. Feel free to disregard the ones from the people I’m trying to avoid…

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

A face only a mother could like, even with a cream pie. Sorry Mom! Or some one very in need of a PITA product.

Posted by ming45 | Report as abusive

Darn, a perfectly good opportunity to educate people on the difference between slander and libel and I’m afraid to get tazed. Darn. Aw, the heck with it. Technically, ladylala, your dearest Lamar was libeled, as the slurs were in writing. Slander is spoken and libel is literature is the mnemonic I learned. Granted, this blog really isn’t literature, but I believe you see my point.

Now, to find a cozy corner in which to hide from Shra.

Posted by BethyB | Report as abusive

Granted, this blog really isn’t literature….

Jeez, Betty. Thanks for slumming here….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Thanks, BettyB. And “libel” means I can sue, like for big bucks, right? And a “mnemonic” is a small harmonica or what?

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

Having just started a blog, I appreciate more than ever the quality of a blog like this. I just wanted to start writing and I kept putting it off until one day I decided to just write. Now, taking a look at real blogs, I realize what an incredible job you do putting this together. Congrats.
I think it is literature. Mine’s not, yet.

Posted by rocknut9 | Report as abusive

@ladylala, what of his right hand though? Have you checked that?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Lady, you can’t sue. You lack standing.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

rocknut, our BG is one in a million.. thats why we come back for more… or maybe its the sprinkled medi-doughnuts and he’s just.. here.. you get my point?
Now, where is that cream pie, everyone keeps mentioning?
Oh and Bethy, zapppppp! You cant hide from the Taser, mwahahahaha!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

What the hack, Lamar was only practising, poor fellow. Given time, he could have tapped into his full potential and produce better results. It bugs me that you were so rash this time.

I second ladylala here.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

@Shra: it’s more of a metaphorical cream pie, or perhaps it’s out there for real, sailing through the air, looking for its intended target(in this case RM). This would be the theory of the “alternate universe” cream pie, a happy place where justice is actually done, where Lamar has a degree in nuclear physics, and Michelle Bachman actually speaks in somewhat coherent phrases.

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

I like your alternate universe theory, JC.. I kind of spend 3/4th of my time in one.. thanks to BG, his wonderful blog and of course, my medi-doughnuts…
the remaining 1/4th of my time is spent contemplating why i am not in that alternate universe…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

The English poet and scathing Latin scholar A.E. Housman had a (very politically icorrect) line which, I’m sure he would apply to BTO: “the intellect of an idiot child.”

She always reminds me of Proverbs 26:11 “As a dog returneth to his vomit, a fool returneth to his folly.” I can’t wait to see what she regurgitates next.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive