Eugene, please have a seat…

August 27, 2011

Say, Blog Guy, I’ve been wondering about that guy who’s sort of a living legend in your blog. You know who I mean.

Of course. You’re talking about none other than Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson.

Is it true that there is only the one photo of him, and after that he just vanished?

Yes. I’ve used that single photo eight times in my blog, an all-time record. I have detectives out scouring the world for Eugene. That’s a lot of money down the drain.

Scouring? Down the drain? Really? Why don’t you just say eventually you’ll flush him out?

Because I do have some humor standards. There have been reported sightings. One in Romania this month, and one in Honduras last year.

So what would a brand new, documented, certified, verified photo of Toilethead bring on the open market? Would it be priceless?

That depends. Is that the same as worthless?

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Top: A worker carries a toilet bowl inside Romania’s new National Stadium, the Lia Manoliu Arena, which is under construction in Bucharest August 5, 2011. REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel

Left: A man carries a toilet after the heavy rains on Sunday at El Chile neighbourhood in Tegucigalpa, May 31, 2010. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Right: A swimmer dressed as a toilet waits to enter the waters of English Bay during the 90th annual Polar Bear Swim in Vancouver, British Columbia, January 1, 2010. REUTERS/Andy Clark

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Toilet heads unite!

“Don’t be a %^$#head, join the OE Blog Network.”

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Quite an oval on that toilet bowl in Romania; makes for a plunging neckline.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

As he wanders about so much, does that make him a port-john(son)?

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Oh I suppose it’s time to put a lid on it and go do some cleaning…

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Have toilet will travel reads the card of a man
His plight: no paper in this savage land

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

It’s his potty and he’ll cry if he wants to.
You would cry too if it happened to you….

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

That’s a good one, Georgia, but lots of people won’t get the cultural reference,and good luck trying to teach them what it means…. The same may be true of yours, Frisco…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I notice that the man in the second photo is carrying his toilet around after heavy rains.
Is this what we should all do after Irene passes through?

Posted by slick9 | Report as abusive

The first photo is so derivative of Edvard Munch….

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

@ Bill re Edvard Munch: No kidding. It leaps out at you. I could just scream.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

I also meant to share that I live within walking distance of the beach where the legendary Eugene “T H” first captured global attention. That I missed his spectacular debut remains a profound regret. Besides my beloved Lamar, few men have tapped my romantic appreciation of artistic genius the way Eugene has. (Fortunately my Lamar is secure enough in his stellar manhood to hear this. I remain one lucky girl.)

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

You are indeed, ladylala. And I should have mentioned that we’re keeping the GFMDS open tonight for all the tourists who won’t have anywhere else to go. We should do a great business. Of course, it underscores that perhaps the museum’s open air design wasn’t the best idea….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Extra sprinkles, Mr B, big time. That’s all I can suggest.

Posted by ladylala | Report as abusive

I have recently come to see a trend here. Eugene TH johnson may of been an advance scout for the the white conspirancy, since the hat being white and at the sea would of been a dead give away. The white seat and the old 1 if by land and the #2 if by sea seems to really fit here… how ever it seems the choice of white head wear seems to have gone into a more durable headpeace. Does this mean the white hats are ramping up?

Posted by Wheelz2 | Report as abusive

Wow, that’s quite perceptive, Wheelz. And they say I’M nuts….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@BG and Georgia: Good guys wear black. Chess anyone? Perhaps a knight?

Open air museum design? I hope you keep the doughnuts dry!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

One, BG, Georgia: I’m naming my next male German Shepherd “Paladin.” GSDs, especially when pups, are wired.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I received a timely letter in the mail this morning from an aquaintance of mine, oddly this was torn out from a book and included. I repeat it verbatim:

Ode to “Toilethead”

Methinks I saw this famous man today
His countenance most confused
And his stench was quite abused. He stroll’d,
Not in haste, but mumbling by, still crowned
With that throne majestical, so oft seen
In blog, in stone, and parchment keen.
Those famous comments of him I knew
Yet sadly I was not there when Eugene
First rose from beach once pristine, yet not now
So fresh, and made his presence seen. I look’d
Upon him and could not believe mine eyes!
Dogs bark’d and horses neigh’d as he went by
Though none by else me alone observed
His gait lonely.

At his head, a penumbra of flies
Yet he ignored them, for his burden was great
Upon his mighty shoulders, his throne now whole!
No longer now mere lidded stole ’round his neck.
His olfactory pride in alabaster sheen,
Commodious, but by no means pristine.

Those other imitators seen in blog lately
Paunchy villeins, seek not for renown!
For none can take Eugene’s odorous crown!
Strolling with clean porcelain, and faceless–
O cowards, compare not with Eugene’s greatness!

I rose from my place to speak to him,
But my approach, I thought better of
For his, shall I say, presence, was most o’erwhelming.
I thought to take his picture, as proof
Yet had nought but pen and ink, alas!
The Blog Guy’s bounty I could not claim,
I let him pass, not knowing if for well or ill.

Pondering still, I returned to my own business
Until I noticed I had no stomach
For those viands I had acquired before
The tempting round O’s of sweet pastry,
Sprinkled with many colors, dots, and swirls
I pitched my doughnuts, sadly,
And turned, with mounting haste
Running to my abode at breakneck pace;
And what I did there shall not be known.
Suffice to say, my top was blown.
Since then, I regretted not his passing
And pray still that it be lasting.

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

… Plungerhead, Plungerhead, Where do you roam?
Plungerhead, Plungerhead; Far, far from home.

Posted by Mighty_Malakai | Report as abusive

And not a roll of toilet paper amongst them. Don’t shake their hands anyone!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Don’t worry, ifly. Eugene is already on my list of people I don’t want to shake hands with: 10/02/10/five-people-i-dont-want-to-meet  /

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Loving the Munch reference for the first picture. The ‘face’ in the toilet seat is eerily funny.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

perhaps the photo was the inspiration for the musical group porcelain smile? Hk

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

brilliant as usual, jclimacus. I’m not sure you can say penumbra in this blog. would you mind explaining it?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@jclimacus … Don’t do it! It’s a trap!

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

Blog Guy, I’ll fill in for @jclimacus here. Penumbra is what you use instead of pelettra.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Okay, but they are both in the pasta family, right?

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Do you think that, growing up, Eugene was told again and again to wash out his mouth with soap because he had such a toilet mouth… to which he’d retort, “I do not! I have a toilet *head*, and there’s no way I’m figuring out how to wash that out with soap.”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

You say penumbra, I say pelettra, let’s call the whole thing off

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

I like a Gershwin tune
How about you?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I love a fireside when a storm is due,
I like potato chips, moonlight motor trips…

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

Oh dear me…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

I love a toilethead when he wears fake poo
I like sightings of him, when he goes for a swim
How about you?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I like a sprinkled twist, what bliss
I like a punnish wit, what a hit!
How about you?

@Shra: Come on, sing along!

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

Yeah, I think punish is the right word for it, jclimacus…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@jclimacus: It sounds like the Blog Guy doesn’t like that song. Maybe we should try another?

This could be Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson’s theme song:

I got toilets
I got fake poo
I got attention
Who could ask for anything more?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

That’s good, spin, assuming it IS fake…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Blog Guy, I thought you ran into Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson when you were working with fake barf at Camp Juvenile. He was working with fake poo (or eating a Baby Ruth candy bar): 11/05/10/want-a-margarita-in-a-dribble-g lass-sir/

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive