Are those Tic Tacs, or you got a rattlesnake in your pants?

September 1, 2011

Blog Guy, I’m looking for some of your sage career advice. I enjoy travel, working with animals, and maybe a little danger. Any ideas?

Have you considered the glamorous world of snake smuggling?

No, I haven’t. What does that involve?

The usual. Ladies’ hosiery, probably some duct tape, and, you know, snakes.

Cool! Are there openings?

There should be at least one. Some guy was arrested in Miami, trying to board a flight for Brazil with seven exotic snakes stuffed into his trousers.

Wow! That’s brilliant! That should have been foolproof! The imaging technology they use can’t even see stuff like that, right?

Actually, it picked ’em right up. All seven. I like to think he was doing an involuntary hoochie-coochie dance coming through the metal detector, too, but maybe that’s just me.

That’s kind of scary. Can you give me the guy’s name or any more information about the arrest?

No, the Transportation Security Administration wouldn’t say.

Oh. Well, can you tell me what kinds of snakes they were?

No, the TSA wouldn’t say that, either. So, are you interested in snake smuggling?

Not really, but I sure would like a gig as a TSA information person. That sounds pretty close to my desired level of productivity.

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Top: Heart of Texas Snake Handlers Terry Tippit (L) and Britt Stevens (R) watch as fellow Heart of Texas Snake Handler Jack Bibby (C) dangles rattlesnakes from his mouth during a performance at the Taylor Rattlesnake Sacking Championships in Taylor, Texas March 31, 2007.  REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

Left: A worker holds a Cobra before killing it for its meat at a Chinese restaurant in the ancient city of Yogyakarta April 1, 2011. REUTERS/Dwi Oblo

Miss Snake Charmer 2006 Sara Warren (C) has her crown adjusted by fellow contestants at the conclusion of the Miss Snake Charmer Pageant in Sweetwater, Texas, March 9, 2006. REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

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After falling asleep on his Basler Air flight out of Sweetwater, Billy Joe-Bob awoke to find his mouth was full of snakes.
His first thought was ‘Oh Great! Again!’. Clearly he would have to speak to his doctor, Lamar, about changing his meds.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

I quite admire the perseverity of people to organise beauty pageants in all sorts of places and for all sorts of ..well.. events..
Next we know, we would have Mr and Miss Wacky Town!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Miss Snake Charmer??? I’m sure Freud would have a field day with that!

a long wait in the screening line with pants full of squirming vermin must be very unpleasant. Actually, a short wait wouldn’t be too nice either.

Feeling rattled? Join the OE Blog Network!

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Yes, back in the day when we said that a lady was a “snake charmer” we had a different skill set in mind…

Posted by hoopsnake | Report as abusive

I bet Medusa was the first Miss Snake Charmer. Her opposition was petrified when she started to walk down the catwalk…

…they still are.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Oh and Shra – Mr. and Miss Wacky Town sounds like a brilliant idea! BG, you should look up some candidate pictures for this and launch this event.

With candidates like those in these photos, I’m sure it would be a good competition. Oh, and needless to say, I’d expect plenty of salmon throughout the blog. 10/11/22/can-i-have-a-beer-first-doctor/ 11/06/21/bride-pride-taking-to-the-brida l-path/ 10/11/30/the-very-best-of-a-goofy-month/ 10/11/05/not-another-polish-joke/

Oh…and there are some Fab Abs too for the likes of Shra and company: 10/11/03/so-you-guys-work-out-or-what/

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

It tastes like chicken.
And more chewy than gristle.
Chili con rattler.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Clearly Miss Snake Charmer should work with the TSA to charm the pants off that snake smuggler.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

A man tried to smuggle snakes
Holding as many as his legs could take
They slithered in his pants
Causing him to dance
And that was his fatal mistake

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I humbly offer a haiku:

Rattlers in Texas
Leg-warmers in Miami
Dinner in China

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Rattlesnake Sacking? I didn’t even know they HAD a football team. I do like their sponsors, though. Next year’s event should definitely include a Beer Race – AFTER all the snake-handling events are completed, of course…although it might be more lively hold the Beer-athalon first.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

@Moonshine: Ah, thanks for explaining that it was football. I could not figure out for the life of me how rattlesnakes could participate in a potato sack race.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Lively comments today. Lively as a guy with snakes in his pants.

Wonder if Mr. Spam Filter is earning his pay today?

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

I think we all know quite a few Texans who have rattlers coming out of their mouths …

Posted by slick9 | Report as abusive

Quit your ditherin’
Don’t join Slytherin,
Join the OE Blog instead!
It’s good for your head

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

I’ve met a couple of guys I could think of as snakes, and I’ve no desire to charm them.

Do the pageant contestants wear snake skin shoes?

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Snakes coming out of his mouth? Perhaps, he is having a “hissssss”y-fit. Ok, strike that comment.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Involuntary hoochie-coochie dance. That should be enough to render quite a few arguments invalid.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Old McDonald had some pants, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
And in his pants he had some snakes, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
And a hiss hiss there and a hiss hiss here,
Hiss hiss hiss hiss everywhere!

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Malt, you are woooooooonderfuuuuuuuullllllll!!!
Stopped short of thumping the desk, laughing.. :)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Malt, LOL 😀

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Second verse?
Old McDonald had some snakes, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
And on his snakes, he had some rattles, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
With a rattle, rattle here and a rattle, rattle there,
Here a rattle, there a rattle, everywhere a….
Hey…Where did everyone go…?

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Third verse:

Old McDonald had some pants, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
And in his pants he had some reticulated pythons, ee-ya ee-ya oh!
With a squeeze squeeze here and a squeeze squeeze there
Here a squeeze there a squeeze
Ouch, his legs have lost circulation

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

You sure it’s the snake you’re squeezing, Spin?

Oh, and that’s not really a rattle too. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Here, have some nuts. Or do you prefer legumes?

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

My nick is snake…

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

@Malt: If you are what you eat, then I’d like some nuts, please.

Did you mean this conversation?
Person A: “That’s not my snake.”
Person B: “That’s not my leg.”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

When they nabbed this guy, they said, “Pardon me, are those snakes and tortoises in your trousers?”

The man replied, “What do I look like, an ornithologist?”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

This reminds me of the time my fifth-grade teacher would have asked me if I had ants in my pants, and I would have truthfully responded “No Mam, I’ve got a riled up snake and hot steel balls.” But you all don’t want to hear about my childhood.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive