Repeat after me, “Fill the bag with money!”

September 2, 2011

Blog Guy, you know that odd city in Siberia that you call Wackytown? I’d like to visit it on one of your organized tours, but I’m wondering how many people there speak English?

You’re talking about Krasnoyarsk. I do know they do have English Language classes at a high security prison camp.

Really? What sort of English are they teaching to prison inmates?

Well, here on the right is a chart used in the class. You can see useful words such as disarrange, unhappy, misinform… You know, as in, “If you misinform me I will be unhappy, and I shall have to disarrange your face!”

Yikes! Is that a good idea? Are they teaching them whole phrases, too?

Let’s blow up a section of the chart, and see. Class, repeat after me, “Must I go to the BANK? We haven’t got any MONEY.”

No way!  They’re not teaching hardened felons to say that!

They are. Um, looking ahead at the next poster I see, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” and “Who set off that alarm?”

OMG! And what about the poster after that?

Uh-oh. “Somebody mop up that blood, I have a planeload of tourists to meet!”

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Prison inmate attends an English language class during the first day of lessons in a school at a high security prison camp outside Russia’s Siberian city of Krasnoyarsk, September 1, 2011. REUTERS/Ilya Naymushin

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You are misleading your audience with the misconceptions, inconsistencies and unpleasantries you present in your dishonest blog, Blog Guy! These fellows learn English the proper way.

I has been there for a little lessons and I was thought the language to hi standards.

Wacky Town, er, I mean Krasnoyarsk should be depicted better! I’m still waiting for your Miss Wacky Town contest! :)

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

This reuters photographer, Ilya Naymushin, is he/she from WackyTown?
Do you think Reuters could employ all of us as photographers?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Не стреляйте. Я канадец.

Comes in handy.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Frisco, that better not be some Russky code you’re using to communicate with the enemy…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

…and even worse, Frisco, it had better not be edumacationable. (Shra?)

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Oh my… SHOOT the… Oh no, Frisco…
…not the CANADIAN!

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

The poster has “disjoin,” “disagree,” “disappear,” “unsure,” “uninteresting,” and “unclean.”

“Sergei, can you use these in a sentence?”
“Yes, instructor Lamar, I can. If you disagree with me, I will disjoin your knees from the rest of your body and disappear. If you are unsure, you can look at the unclean pool of blood that this act leaves behind. Or do you find this talk uninteresting?”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

…quick note to all my OE Blog buddies….
We are off vacationing (and for the first time in TOO MANY YEARS, it’s just me and my husband)…back on the 12th.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

What? Without filling out the OE vacation form and sending it in to Lamar for approval? Have a great time anyway!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Nyet, Moonshine. You’ve got it reversed.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

@Moonshine: There’s a Mr. Moonshine, too? Ah, have a wonderful time.

I have heard that Lamar sometimes forgets to give the vacation forms to the Blog Guy. He uses the backs of them as scracth paper when coming up with great ideas for saving money on fashion shows.

When Lamar turns the paper over to keep his ideas a secret, the Blog Guy walks by Lamar’s desk and sees the vacation request form.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Have a lovely time, Moonshine!
Say BG, is this a good time to apply for my vacation?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

No, Lamar says you’ve used up all your vacation through 2015…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

The wonders of correctional facilities, I wish I imagine and I wonder. :)

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

@fwd: Ah, the irony that this is a correctional facility with incorrect English language lessons.

I mean, where would we be if the song said

Yes, we haven’t got any bananas
We haven’t got any bananas today

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Teaching English to
inmates. Just the latest from
good ol’ Wackytown!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

You think the vacation paperwork is bad? Try asking the Blog Guy for a raise. Lamar gave me the starter kit, it goes like this:

We thank you for your misinformed request for an increase in pay from the OE Blog. To disabuse you of certain misnomers, impossible assumptions, or unclear mistakes, we invite you discover the following material and complete it in triplicate. We regret any unhappy or uninteresting misunderstangings that may arise from your inquiry into your compensation from the blog. Please refer yourself to Article 439 of section 14, subparagraph 7 for our disjoined and somewhat unclear arbitration policy. Any deviation from the involved proceedure will result in your request to disapear, and may result in an unpleasant visit from Ms. Fekrat and Mr. “Toilet Head” Johnson in our Disgruntled Commentor and Complaint Department.
Signed, Lamar
Deputy Director of Inhuman Resources

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

@jclimacus: I had no idea that Lamar was outsourcing the creation of letters and forms to Krasnoyarsk. This might be a big scoop item for Reuters news. OK, maybe news, but not the serious kind.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

@Spin. No wonder BG didn’t get the form I (wink, wink) filled out – Lamar routed it through WackyTown and I’ll be back at the keyboard before BG even sees it. Too bad I let the news out too soon. Later!

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

They should be learnin’ txt spk, so dey can haz talk wid da yung peeps.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

How about a haiku:
Want to learn English?
Knock over Wackytown bank
Free lessons with chart.

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

This would make a good reality show … I’m mean the OE blog. I want Harrison Ford to play me.

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

@justCAM: …and your sister?

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

I see. You all believe Russians are nogoodniks, right? What I have heard is more on the following lines:

“Hello, Mr or Mrs or Ms or Mz Miss Capitalist swine, you will kindly unload your pockets, billfolds, purses, and/or money belts into my rather proletarian paper sack. You must be quick, because I am no longer a slave to socialism! Now! Empty your filthy lucre into this bag, because I must feed my sickly mother! Ah, thank you so much! Dosvedanya, my American tovarisch!”

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive

@Moonshine, enjoy the vacation! Take lots of pics! Oh wait, no don’t take pics. Well take pics just of ya know, outside stuff. I mean take any pics you want but only show us the pics of the outside stuff not…..ya know what? Just have a good time ok? :)

Any day now Krasnoyarsk is gonna make it into the tag cloud. When it does can we throw a party or something? Or at least be able to act wacky at work without being sent to the bosses office? Or in Nosmos case, hell?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Have a great trip Moonshine (and Mr. Moonshine.) – BG – I shall not be taking a vacation this year, although I am moving to a different state (of confusion?) I shall endeavor to read every post and comment whilst in transit. Have a great weekend, Y’all

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

So, I hopes you are having the happy vacation, Moonshine. Maybe, someday, you may vist my country (Ohio).

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

@Spin: Indeed…

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Blog guy, but its my annual vacation!!! Oh please please please!!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Okay, Shra, I’ll leave a note for Lamar. He’s very efficient…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

You are doing no such thing… next thing I know Lamar would show up at my door and I would be taken to some deep dark dungeon, blindfolded that too, where all I would be able to hear is the clicking of keyboard keys and feel something furry rub against my legs….

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Sounds fun Shra. Just don’t forget your taser gun.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

@Shra: Sounds like my last family reunion.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive