It’s just like in the disaster movies!

September 6, 2011

Boss, can you hear me? It’s me, Johnson! Oh, it’s still night-time in LA? Sorry to wake you up, but I’ve got great news!

You remember you sent me to scout around for the next big “King Kong” sort of movie?

Well, I’m here in the Philippines, of all places…. They’ve “captured” this huge honking 21-foot-long crocodile which has already attacked several people.

Get some film crews out here right away, Boss, I have a feeling this one is gonna pop soon. I’m watching ’em right now, moving the “captured” croc.

The team leader couldn’t be bothered to stop smoking long enough for the historic photo, but then in fairness, lung cancer is going to be the least of his problems. He’s about to drop ashes on the croc’s hood.

The “guard” with a rifle is zoned out, trying to remember the third verse to “MacArthur Park…” The Croc Mover they’re using is made of logs, and was state-of-the-art in the 12th century. Its axle is about to break, and the croc is tied down with flimsy knots that look like some Boy Scouts lost interest and went off to make s’mores.

Meanwhile, there are about a hundred local gawkers in flip-flops who may as well have “Crock Supper” tattooed on their foreheads…

Look, Boss, I can’t contain this much longer. Sign Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson or some other expendable actor and send ’em over here with the crews.

Working title? Call it “Mondo Croc!” Script? Are you kidding me, Boss? This puppy is gonna write itself!

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Top: Residents use their hands to measure a 21-foot saltwater crocodile, which is suspected of having attacked several people, after it was caught in Nueva Era in Bunawan town, Agusan del Sur, southern Philippines September 4, 2011. REUTERS/Stringer

Right: Residents look at the crocodile. REUTERS/Stringer

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Croc on location.
Sweet green icing melts in rain.
Save for Peter Pan.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

That AR-16 wouldn’t stop that croc. Now, an M-1 Durand….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

Sorry, M-1 Garand. Freudian slip. I knew someone in the military who called his M-16 “the Durand.” I have no idea why.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I have seen sillier people…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

Why does the song ‘There was an old lady who swallowed a fly’ keep popping into my mind?

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Hang on, Johnson. I have a great idea. Instead of sending over Charlie Sheen or Mel Gibson, let’s make this into a reality show. Put the crocodile into a house for a summer with some of the 2012 Presidential Candidates. Let’s see how they all get along.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Tastes like chicken.

Posted by lceel | Report as abusive

My guess is this croc is waiting to get on to some croc reality show. I wonder what they used as bait?

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

@jsutCAM: I think they use Pakistani babies: 10/06/17/happy-fathers-day-to-dads-every where/

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

@justCAM: Sorry for misspelling your name. Usually, I know “us” from “su.”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

That’s the biggest *COP* ever captured. He was caught collecting protection money from local jeep drivers. I hope they put him away on racketeering and extortion charges.

Posted by PHXAZ | Report as abusive

Why isn’t the law enforcement dude with the gun arresting the guy who is defying the no-smoking-in-public law?
I mean, smoking in public? That’s just plain dangerous, that is. If Jabba the Croc goes on to contract cancer from second-hand smoke, his lawyers will be all over smoky-guy and gun-dude.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Spin, I LOVE that idea. That might even be worth acquiring a TV for.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

I humbly offer a haiku:

Hands measuring feet
Twenty-one on this big beast
And many large teeth

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I recognize that croc as Betty White’s co-star in Lake Palcid. Or maybe the offspring, cause that one was MUCH larger.

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

@Doc, Durand Durand?

When you need four people to tell the story of how you caught a croc “thiiiiiiiis big!” in your back yard it might be time to call your real estate agent and think about moving to Kansas or something.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Reality shows are a croc…

I think the guard is unwinding a python from his neck. That silly lack of oxygen thing might make him zone out

@Nosmo: mighty big flies and spiders that croc’s been snackin’ on! Or a whole heap of little ones.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

It was just crocodrooling..

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

a humble haiku

prehistoric dile
personnel dazed & confused
what a croc of sh**

Posted by antb | Report as abusive