Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

How I spent my macho vacation…

September 13, 2011

Blog Guy, I need some of your famous travel advice. I’m a fairly dimwitted guy who never really grew up. Life hasn’t gone my way, and I need an experience to make me feel like I’m somebody.

So you’re looking for something you can brag about on Facebook, no matter how shallow it is, to keep your pathetic imitation of life going for another year?

You bet! All I have left now are shabby, contrived experiences!

This is your lucky day. We’ve just published a list of “extreme holiday adventures.” And by “extreme” I think we just mean very, very sad.

Bring ‘em on!

Okay, how about a “mountain safari,” in a helicopter whizzing right past lofty peaks that other people have actually climbed. Our story says it seats only two guests, and is “a downright romantic trip, allowing you to score major points with your girlfriend while conveniently involving superslick machinery.”

Blog Guy, if I could actually get a girlfriend would I be looking at vacations like this?

No, I guess not. Then how about driving a tank? The story says, “every guy’s secret desire is to crush vehicles with even bigger vehicles.” Building on that offensive Neanderthal clichĂ©, this adventure lets you “obliterate anything lying in the path…”

Woot! How macho would THAT be?

Well, probably a little more macho if it wasn’t in Minnesota, which it is. You know, some folks actually drive tanks in places where there is a war going on. I’m just sayin’.

Right. What else do you have?

How about a “Stuntcation.” You spend five days in Las Vegas, where you and your buddies “will harness in to try high-falling, stunt-fighting and stunt-driving, and may even be (briefly) set aflame.”

That could be VERY cool! Would you try that one with me, Blog Guy?

Not on your life. It involves something I’ve never done before and will never, ever do, as long as I live. No way, no how…

Really? Which thing? High-falling? Stunt-fighting? Being set on fire?

No. Going to Las Vegas.

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Top: A tank burns by the roadside after heavy fighting in Ivory Coast’s main city Abidjan, April 5, 2011. REUTERS/Emmanuel Braun

Left: A senior Indian army officer aboard a helicopter points towards the mountainous area where the army fought a week-long gun battle with separatist militants in Chhamar Sar, October 3, 2008. REUTERS/Fayaz Kabli

Right: A reporter leans over the edge of the catwalk during the media preview for the “EdgeWalk” on the CN Tower in Toronto, July 27, 2011. REUTERS/Mark Blinch

Bottom right: Tourists are photographed by a friend as they ride the X-Scream thrill ride, 866 feet above the Las Vegas Strip, at the Stratosphere Tower in Las Vegas, Nevada March 20, 2009. REUTERS/Steve Marcus

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Comments

Does Katy Perry sing the theme song for that last vacation option?
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now
That’s what you get for waking up in Vegas

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive
 

Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got one for him! How about snow-skiing in Bamiyan? Not bad, as long as you avoid the landmines.

Or, my favorite, vacant building exploration in the heart of Kabul. Made even more interesting with Afghan Army helicopters simulating attack runs on knuckleheads in the upper floors. Oops, those aren’t simulated, Lamar.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive
 

The only way these could get better would be to have a personal endorsement from Valdimir Putin.
Actually, maybe Vlad could start his own theme park, like Steve Irwin did.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive
 

Boys and their silly silly toys…

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive
 

Hmm…BG, is your reader partial to sticking his head inside a croc’s head? ‘Cause I guess this could interest him…

http://blogs.reuters.com/oddly-enough/20 11/08/19/see-ya-later-crocodile/

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive
 

Don’t you just love “Reality Stuntcations?” How about a ride-along with the provincial police in Kabul? It includes an exciting ambulance ride with special escort assistance from US Forces – including our boy, Wes (in photo): http://arabnews.com/world/article483574. ece

…on second thought, Vegas is sounding better all of the time.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive
 

In two days, I (George the Crab) am taking off to go to Niagara Falls, for my very own Surfari vacation! Dad has not gotten me my wet suit as of yet, but he has sewed up a nice lead belt, so that I can also dive in the swimming hole up there!

Is that macho enough for ya, Mr B?

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive
 

Say Moonshine, looks like Wes and I have chewed some of the same dust. Qalat and Kandahar are no joy ride. Yeah, if some of these adrenaline seekers had any idea….

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive
 

Best ‘Reality Stuntcation’ I’ve ever been on is hopping in a cab at Fleet Landing in Naples, Italy then telling the driver there’s an extra 10,000 lira (about $10) in it for him if he gets you to the AFEES Exchange before it closes in 15 minutes. Definitely an E-Ticket ride!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive
 

Then there’s driving in Bahston….

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive
 

“Briefly” set aflame?

Bunch of wuss’s.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive
 

Boys want Stuntcations; Girls just wanna have fun!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive
 

Not exactly the 1967 Robert Wagner classic but it will do. It will do.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive
 

Mr. Spam Filter doesn’t want me driving a tank? Oh come on now Mr. Spam Filter, I should have collected enough points on my Macho Card to be able to give one a go!

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Not sure what this is about. Mr Spam Filter says he hasn’t rejected anything from you recently.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive
 

No? Oh then perhaps a misunderstanding. I had asked where I signed up for the car crushing tank thing but the comment didn’t show up. My apologies Mr. Spam Filter, we still cool then?

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive
 

Is it just me, or is this one of the only blogs in which Mr. Spam Filter is a recurring character to be feared and respected? Kind of like the University of Wisconsin Alumni Association.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive
 

I think you’re right, Spin. I see Mr. Spam Filter as sort of a character from Kafka, with his own internal logic the rest of us can only pretend to understand….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive
 

Kafkaesque? I can’t wait to read the first doctoral dissertation that someone writes about Mr. Span Filter.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive
 

I already wrote mine, Spin, on that great poem “I see England….” ;) So you shan’t get it from me.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive
 

@Doc: The only poem I know that resembles what you’re talking about starts out
I see London
I see France…

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive
 

Well, Spin, as I discuss in the first chapter of my dissertation, “Underpants and the Critics,” the poem has gone through a number of permutations over the years….

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive
 

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