Fashion models, name your poison…

September 20, 2011

Here we go again, Lamar. We’ve got a major fashion show coming up, and the cost of paying good models would bankrupt us. Have you found a source for bargain-priced chicks, like you usually do?

I sure have, boss. I think you’ll be very happy.

So what’s wrong with this batch, Lamar? Are they zombies, genetic mutations, snake handlers, extremely moody….

Nope, they’re actual professional models and they’re willing to do our show for half price, with just one little, bitty demand. They want to be anonymous.

Why do they insist on that, Lamar?

Oh, I can’t remember their exact quotes, but it’s something about our fashion designs being grotesque, repugnant, appalling, infantile, an affront to womanhood, a putrid puke fest, an assault on the senses…

Yes, I get the idea, Lamar. So how do they want to hide their identities?

Some of the women are wrapping gauze around their face, others have wigs and thick metal eye shades. One of them made kind of a “Phantom of the Opera” mask out of metal. She holds it up and it’s pretty effective.

You know, I hate to be overly sensitive, but are they really THAT afraid of being recognized wearing our label? I mean, what would they do if somebody accidentally identified one of them?

Oh, about that, Boss. Here, sign this order for two dozen attractive necklaces with dangling cyanide vials. One for each model should do it.

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Top: A model performs outside the Lincoln Center, the venue for New York Fashion Week September 14, 2011. REUTERS/Kena Betancur

Right: A model presents a creation from designer Maya Hansen Spring/Summer 2012 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week September 18, 2011. REUTERS/Susana Vera

Bottom right: A model shields her face from hairspray backstage at the J. Mendel Spring/Summer 2012 collection during New York Fashion Week September 14, 2011. REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi

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“A model performs” in the first photo. Oooh, performance art!

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

The gauze gives me pause,
Dare I ask the mask.
What will the shield yield?
Ah there’s the task.
It would seem that the model dream
Of Fashion Week is for publicity meek.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

It’s the 2011 facial safetyware collection, consisting of Mosquito netting, anti Bumble-bee glasses, and the smirk guard.
Everyone needs a smirk guard.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Can I order all of that from Williams-Sonoma, Nosmo? And does it come with an extra Smirk Guard for free?

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

It’s a haiku for furtive models:

Do not show your face
That is part of the contract
Masks are de rigueur

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Wow! That last one is the biggest nose guard I’ve ever seen! I can only do that with tablespoons!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

Model #2 might be wearing nothing more than those thick metal eye shades.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Hey Goldie mask…where are horns?

Zombies don’t have horns, silly.. :D

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Buy now and receive a second Smirk Guard for free – pay only postage and handling.
Operators are standing-by to take your call.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Model number two is wearing a “creation”?! Because it looks to me decidedly like a leftover chunk of that punched metal stuff you get for hiding radiators in your house…

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

@Nosmo: I love it! Who cares that it looks like a shovel? If it’s making me smirk, it’s probably bs anyway and the Smirk Guard/Shovel combo will come in handy.

Please, please, take my call!

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

I have this little quirk
That I often sport a smirk
@Nosmo’s such a card
He told me about this guard
Now I can use it and not feel like a jerk

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Well, call me odd, but if that Meshy eye-shade is Lamar’s creation, I quite like it..
This is not good, I know… I am gonna try medi-cheese scones today… extra butter..

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive