Bear number four, step up and growl…

October 26, 2011

Here’s something¬† you don’t find every day. My Washington Post tells me a guy drove his car off a road and into a canal here in the nation’s capital. The man, who was charged with driving under the influence, told police he had seen a bear.

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Johnson, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions. It’s just routine.

But Offisher, I’m cold and wet and I’ve had a few…

Now, Mr. Johnson, you say you saw a bear and then you drove into the canal. Can you describe it?

Um, it was big, and real scary.

I see. Was it all white? We get some polar bears in the woods around here this time of year.

I don’t think so.

Did you notice if it was wearing a drill instructor’s hat and standing on two legs? Sometimes Smokey the Bear comes to the U.S. Forest Service headquarters here and gets up to no good…

No, no hat. It was more like he was wearing a black and white tuxedo.

A TUX! So it was one of those pesky pandas from the National Zoo! The zookeepers let ’em out at night to do their business, and they cause trouble.

You come down to the station, Mr. Johnson. I’m putting you in a room with some grizzly bears, a Kodiak, a polar bear and those pandas, for a positive ID.

You’re putting me IN THE ROOM with live bears? But I’m hammered out of my mind! Do you unnershtand? I’m totally wasted!

Well, we don’t have fancy one-way glass line-ups in DC, so we’re gonna have to…

Wait. What?

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Top: Giant Panda Tai Shan eats bamboo at the National Zoo in Washington, February 3, 2010. REUTERS/Jose Luis Magana

Left: Smokey the Bear

Right: A grizzly bear stands up at the St-Felicien Wildlife Zoo in St-Felicien, Quebec September 24, 2008. REUTERS/Mathieu Belanger

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Washington? Shouldn’t the bear be on Wall Street?

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

That grizzly needs a manicure. Pronto!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

It could have been worse. Mr. Johnson could have run into a 6-foot rabbit. Look what happened to Jimmy Stewart.

Then again, as I recall from way back, sometimes folks in DC drive into canals and end up with strippers.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

I think that was she Tidal Basin, Frisco.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

By any chance, maybe the fellow mispronounced beer as bear? Maybe he was simply trying to avoid getting any more wasted…go figure.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Bart the bear was always my favorite. That lower lip of his cracked me up everytime. He was amazing in all of his screen apperances. RIP, Bart. ;(

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

BG: you’re right. Tidal Basin it was. Wilbur and Fanne, how soon we forget such a fun couple.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Yes, well, I do still recall the couplet, “she was only a stripper at the Silver Slipper, but she had her Ways and Means…”

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Mary had a little bear
Her mother didn’t mind
That everywhere that Mary went
You could see her bear behind

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

That grizzly has let herself go…

Posted by Billl | Report as abusive

Smokey the bear says “Only you can take this shovel and dig a shallow grave for this body I need to get rid of. Seriously, only you. I can’t do it. I gotta get outta here and develop and alibi!”

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

@Nosmo_King: cute poem but a little distressing for young impressionable minds!
Btw BG, more pandas = very happy Funkyk and her BF :)

Posted by Funkyk | Report as abusive

…young, impressionable minds have no business reading the OE Blog!

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

@Moonshine: Are you calling us all old and crusty? Sigh. I can’t bear it…

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Oh, no, no,, no…. Not old and grizzled, er I mean crusty, at all. Just mature, not easily swayed, inflexible, obstinate, insensitive, unresponsive – Drat, I knew this Thesaurus would get me in trouble one day….

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive